So here’s a little chronicle of my vacation in Palm Desert. How quickly things change… How quickly we lose track of time…
Day 1 –
10:17 am – Woke up about a half an hour ago, took a shower, and thought about things. The things I’ve done, the things I’ve said, the things I wish I hadn’t done. It’s all bugging me significantly whilst I am out of town. I have a whole slew of problems I have to sort out in the real world, and it’s going to take a while to fix them, or at least put a band-aid on the situations. Anger from my Father, Regret and Remorse for what happened with Jen and TNTML, The fall from grace… These are all things going through my head right now. Things I need to think about, but things that I can put aside to allow myself to have a good time. I put so much damn pressure on myself to be the best I can that sometimes, I allow it to hinder me. My twitter account has been my source of expression and release from all of my issues, but I feel that it is a temporary thing. I love doing it, and I love using it, but sometimes, I have to remind myself to step away from the keyboard in order to handle issues instead of telling the whole world my issues. That’s probably why I had a falling out with TNTML, and that’s probably why some people hate me. I like to tell it like it is. I was lied to for 7 years by my Father. I made a promise to myself in 2004 that I would never try to lie to anyone unless someone was in danger. I have for the most part kept my promise. But I have lied to myself. That’s the worst crime I’ve committed, not giving myself a fighting chance. Hopefully seeing my oldest friend today will change my mood, in fact, I’m sure it will. Right now, I leave it up to fate and coincidence to guide me on my journey.
The view from the first night.
Day 3 –
12:06 pm – Wow. The last few days have been a blur. As soon as I got to my friend’s house, I started having a good time. He and I are very parallel in our situations as well as him taking the initiative to do what he’s doing. I can’t say exactly what he’s up to, but I will say that he is doing just fine compared to what his folks have been saying. Things are slow for him right now; it’s just a matter of time until he gets things fixed. Things look different on the outside than they do on the inside once you really get into the nitty-gritty of his lifestyle.
The beauty of this place is astounding. I remember how the desert used to look when I was younger, but now, having the chance to actually explore and take in the quiet atmosphere, I find it quite intoxicating from the hustle and bustle of my hectic city lifestyle. This vacation was an excellent idea. I don’t want to see my family right now for a lot of reasons, many of which have to do with how I feel about my Dad, and where they stand, but I feel that friends are the right people to reach out to in times of need. I think it’s always been like that for me, as most of my friends are closer to me than some of my family, immediate or extended.
I’ve woken up after noon the last 2 days, and I feel great. So much, and so little activity. Watching 4 or 5 straight episodes of Lie to Me* on someone’s couch will do that to you. I’m having a good time overall so far. No need to rush things. The universe tends to unfold as it should most of the time.
My horoscope told me I have the key to fixing my problem. If I motivate myself towards a dream that I had put away a long time ago, I can achieve it. We’ll see what that means down the line.
Day 4 –
3:05 pm – I finally finished Slaughterhouse-Five last night. That was one fucked up and awesome book. Vonnegut managed to make the book funny, but also make it depressing and dark, which is amazing. I’m a big fan of both political and philosophical books, and this definitely was both of those while still remaining a piece of modern fiction. As someone who considers himself both a writer and a self-taught individual, it was very influential to me. It might have given me what I was looking for all this time; a reason to write. I haven’t had any luck with my spy novel/comic-book thing, so why not just try and write something and see how it evolves over time. I’m the kind of person that goes with the flow as well as writes with the flow. If I like something, I keep going with it. If it’s not working, I stop and try to find a remedy. Right now, I think starting from scratch with a new idea would be an excellent idea. I’m not really doing that much anyway… Well, other than being on vacation. I’m leaving in a half an hour to head to my family friend’s house for Thanksgiving. It should be very nice and low key. I didn’t get to see my friend yesterday, so it will be good to hang out again. I plan on getting intoxicated, but I still need to drive. I guess I’ll start drinking when I get there, and stop an hour before I leave. Hell, I might not even get back until late this evening. We’ll see how it goes as always.
Everyone always wants to know what they’re thankful for. Honestly? I’m thankful that my life is finally about to get back on track, that I’m not being controlled anymore, that for the first time in years, I have a say. After all this time, I feel as though I have finally caught up with the present, and I’m ready to start on my future. I’m not expecting people to understand, but I do want the respect for the decisions I’ve made. I’m an adult now, and I have to start owning up to the things I do and say. That’s definitely something to be thankful for.
Here’s to a fun and fruitful Thanksgiving!
Day 5 –
10:53 am – Thanksgiving was terrific last night. I had a great time talking with family friends and the food was awesome. In fact, I don’t even consider them friends anymore. I’ve known these people most of my life, and they are more family than my family has been to me. The old saying friends are the family you choose is a good way of the describing the relationship I have with them. After the dinner was over, I stayed behind to talk with them, and it was nice to just sit down and relax. It reminded me of the fun times we had long ago when none of these present events had even begun. It was great.
This is Max. He is awesome and ultra-neurotic.
Velvet Pool Tables are FUCKING COOL.
When I got back to the room, I decided to just relax and enjoy the night, so I grabbed a little something-something out of my backpack and went out on the deck. The night air, both frigid and cooling, felt nice after eating for a few hours. The smog in the LA air has done nothing but screw up my allergies and such, and being out of the city for the first time in a while is a great change of pace. In some ways, I wish I could stay longer, but I realize that all good things must come to an end. In Buddhism, you are taught to remember and cherish the happy moments you have, and this is the case right now.
My thoughts returned to my father and to unfinished business back home right before I went to sleep. I tossed and turned, and the problems swirled around my head, but I feel as though solutions and band-aids are coming. A temporary fix right now would be just fine, as I cannot afford to wait any longer in trying to accomplish my goals. When I get back in two days, I have a lot of thinking to do, and most of it is outside of the box.
Day 6 –
12:51 pm – Today is my last full day in Palm Desert. It’s really amazing how quickly this week has gone by. I feel like I haven’t done anything, but at the same time, I think I needed it. LA is an atmosphere that sometimes is better likened to a giant melting pot like New York as opposed to this lovely place, where the weather is nice, and everything is slower. I’m going to miss it out here, but I still feel that LA is the right place for me. I was having thoughts about staying here, I won’t deny it, but I lived here 20 years ago, and there is nothing for me I haven’t already done before. Life goes on. Things change, people change. The only constant is the present.
Yesterday, I watched a Law & Order: SVU marathon, then went over to my friend’s house and watched Lie to Me* and Pushing Daisies, the latter of which I have never seen, and rather enjoyed despite it’s incredibly quirky nature. After that, I got Five Guys Burgers and Fries (which is delicious if you haven’t tried it), which was the last meal I had with my Dad before he left. I didn’t think about that at all until now, but it’s not like I really give a damn. So I drank a few brews with the beer, and basically just chilled out at the room. Friday nights are never busy for me. I wish I had places to go and people to see, but it’s all relative. I’m easy like a piece of pie or a Sunday morning. I only hope things will change with my newfound realizations and confidence under my belt. Relaxation for me is mental as I always have at least 100 different things going on at once. My Asperger’s, despite the awesome abilities it gives me, sometimes causes drawbacks both of expected and unexpected nature. That’s why I’m always bouncing from place to place, subject to subject, and I talk incessantly. I know in my heart that I am good, and most that have met me and know me could say the same, but I put too much pressure on myself to do what I want and it stalls me. I’ll worry about this stuff more when I get home, so until tomorrow morning comes, I’m going to try and have as much fun as I can.
The morning view the day before I left.
Back in LA…
12:31 pm – Well I’m home again. The drive was easy and I listened to the entirety of Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, which is indeed an excellent album. After getting extremely intoxicated last night, I drove back to the room for the last time. The streets were quiet, and it was beautiful. Being from LA, home of stop and go traffic, Palm Desert’s atmosphere was a great change of pace. I was happy out there, and I had a great week. Getting back, and being in my apartment, it almost feels like I’m in the dream, and the good feeling has stayed with me the whole way. I finally feel that I can make my next move and get back to what I need to do; acting and writing classes. I’ve avoided the inevitable for too long, and I crawled into my shell hoping to find the answer. Finally having the break, albeit a small one, was exactly what I needed, and I’m back with a clear conscience, rested and pleased. I have to remind myself that good things only happen in moments, and it’s those memories that keep us going during our darkest times. It’s worth it, and it’s great to be alive.
Back to the lab again.