So yesterday on twitter, I was talking about how weed helps ease my pain, but in doing so, I wasn’t thinking about the problem of my pain as a whole. You see, as much as weed helps me through the days, it does not motivate me. It keeps me in the same place, and it stops me in my tracks. It’s something that’s fun to do, but becomes an obsession and addiction if left unchecked, which is what happened to me. A close friend of mine went to rehab for weed, and as funny as it may seem, it’s actually pretty harmful.
By harmful, I mean in the mental sense. It warps your mind, and in some ways, you become it’s slave. That’s not to say I don’t love it, but it’s not helping me with my problems, It’s only masking them. I need to get over this next hump, and crawl out of the abyss, and weed will only hinder my progress right now.
So for the next few weeks, I’m going cold turkey. I need a detox, both mentally, and physically. I bet my blood smells like weed from all the THC in it :P
I love weed. I LOVE IT. But I have to give it up for a little while. Sobriety is a challenge I have faced before, and it will be something I continue to face my entire life. My Dad had back and neck surgeries and was addicted to Vicodin for years. I’ve looked into the face of addiction, but I have the willpower to stop unlike a lot of people. I have the power to change.
So goodbye for now old friend. We’ll see each other again soon enough.
What am I tired of? Everything. Why? Because everything is kind of Meh at the end of the year. I thought I would do this; a stream of thoughts, feelings, comments, but more specifically, a look inside my mind:
Listening to music all day.
I want someone to come here and fuck me.
Bleed for me, Show me your true colors.
What am I if I’m not who I already seem to be?
I want to make you scream with pleasure.
I’ve got the vibe, not the rater.
Loss of sight.
Trapped in a Capsule for 4 years.
Watch it grow to something new.
Algorithm, Techno Prophecy.
Terror of Death.
Awkward silence drowning over a sea of the conscious masses.
So I was noticing something today; I am INCREDIBLY behind the times. After all that’s happened, I feel like I’ve been transported 5 years into the future. I was stuck in a capsule of negativity and being kept from the outside world. I have to rebuild my world, and in doing that, I have to look back to make sure I don’t do things I’ve already done in the past.
I notice this because I don’t really listen to Pop music. Like EVER. I fucking hate shit like Ke$ha, Rihanna, Justin Bieber… All that crap. Why? It doesn’t sound as good to me, and it’s stupid. I’m much much smarter than most when it comes to music having taken a college course on The History of Rock and Roll (I got an A), and having friends who are as musically inclined to introduce me to new artists all the time.
For example, I started listening to Deadmau5 about a month or two ago, and I love his stuff. I had never heard of him before, but he was gaining popularity, and I am a big techno/house/trance fan. Now, I listen to his 3 albums on a regular basis.
I’ve also been getting a lot more into the Electronic scene lately. I don’t know why, but it’s capturing my attention more than it ever did before. With Daft Punk’s INCREDIBLE Tron: Legacy soundtrack, Deadmau5, and LCD Soundsystem, it seems that Electronica is evolving in lots of different ways, and always turning into something completely new. I would love to be a part of this. I just really don’t know where to start if I really wanted it.
My point is I haven’t really been paying attention to the changes around me because, well, nothing’s changed in a major way in my immediate environment. Things have just kind of fallen apart, and I’ve been stuck in this apartment most of the time in the last year. I’m very introverted, but I need social contact, and sometimes, It’s hard to be alone so much. I’m alone about 90% of the time, and that’s not by choice.
Because of the gravity of the situation I’m in, and the negative base that has formed, I tend to make things more overbearing on myself, receding back into my shell, just like a crab or a turtle when it’s scared. I live in a shell. It’s my comfort zone, but it doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.
I want to go on an adventure in 2011. I want to see where my path leads me, and I want to get out in the world. I want to BE somebody, not a ghost on the internet, always talking about the things I could be doing instead of SHOULD be doing with life.
I never really got any validation for all the good things I’ve done for people, and though I never asked for a thank you, I still feel that the universe owes me, and I’ve come to collect.
Come at me world, show me what you’ve got! I’m ready to discover what I’ve missed all this time!
So my twitter account is becoming a very part of me, and it’s time to go to war… but not with someone else. No, it’s time to go to war with myself.
For the last year and a half, all I’ve done is wallow in pity of myself, trying to make sense of all the pain I’ve been through. I used to think I could handle it, but now that things are changing, I just want to let it all go.
But It’s so fucking hard.
I didn’t cause any of the damage dealt to me. I was forced into this situation by a man I call my father. It sucks more than a $20 hooker.
I act much older than I am. I don’t know why, but I don’t consider myself a kid by any means. People really don’t take me seriously. I really don’t think they should either. I’m crass, bold, think I know everything, but what am I worth? I haven’t proven anything to anyone other than myself.
I used to work as a game tester. I was 1 of 1500 that applied and 10 that got hired. I worked my ass off on that job, and my name is in the credits of TWO videogames. That’s nothing to be honest. Before that? I was an intern on a show called Kitchen Confidential. I was the youngest intern ever at 17. I felt good, but I made a fool of myself. I met a lot of cool people, and I got my first real taste of the industry. I know that my fortune lies in Entertainment, I just don’t know where yet.
I can act, sing, dance, write, but I still need to figure out which talent I should focus on. That’s the hard part. I want to do it all and more. I’m ambitious. I want to be a Creative Businessman.
So what’s next for me heading into the end of the year? Well, I have a few resolutions:
To live in the moment as much as possible. To let go of my fears, to find my path, to love, to lose, to win, to have moments of joy, and moments of pain. To handle myself with grace and understanding that is necessary. To not put so much pressure on myself. To accept who I am with all my might. To make new friends, or gain potential new enemies. To hold, to lust, to eat, to drink…
I starting writing this when I was fucked up after talking to @JenSquard on twitter for a while. I was upset, bored, lonely, and just decided to write about my feelings. This is what follows:
I’m starting this admitting that I am pretty stoned out of my mind. Some things I say may sound insane, crazy, or otherwise out of line. That’s a normal thing for me these days.
I thought I could be somebody. I thought I WAS somebody. But I was controlled. I had my freedom taken away from me by my own father. I was his puppet. I was sold down the river. I was treated like I didn’t know anything. Like I couldn’t take a shit without asking to go.
I’m not saying this was a North Korean prison by any means, but the humiliation… The anger… The repression of my own thoughts… Psychological damage does not heal so easy. It’s like I’m viewing the world in a new light because I haven’t been able to be myself for so long. Who am I? I don’t know.
Hey audience that I may or may not have depending on the time of day!
Recently, as some of you are aware, my tweets have been a little more sentimental, and maybe a little strange. Why? Well, I think it’s because I’m trying to repress emotions I want to keep hidden. I don’t want to sacrifice what little privacy I have left outside of the internet just so I can appease my fellow persons.
I have given more of myself than I can bare, not just to you all, but to people who I thought were family. I never try to expect anything in return, but damn it, I want my chance. Everything I’ve ever done has come at extreme cost to me, and it’s time I focused on what I want. I’m not talking about entitlement, I’m talking about being a worthy individual with a Black Heart of Gold.
What is a Black Heart of Gold? It means that you’re a sarcastic, pessimistic, cynical, loving, compassionate, and empathetic individual. It’s the ultimate duality, the Yin & Yang. It means I still like to be funny and mean while at the same time showing respect and love towards others. I will make fun of someone or something, but would die for it at a moment’s notice without a second thought. It’s caring enough to give a damn, but not enough to warrant a “meh”.
This is not something I developed easily, or without incentive to do so. I have lived a hard existence, going from everything to nothing, and even lower, but sometimes, you have to just stop and laugh at it all. “It could be worse” is a motto of mine because, shit, I could be dead, then I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The suffering has made me tough on the inside and the outside, but because I got lucky with certain things, I didn’t take this so negatively. I decided that instead of using the negative energy to be bad, I used it for good. The first time I used this, I had the highest grades I ever had EVER, and I was working part-time getting paid. I realized that without the balance of good and bad, your equilibrium will start to falter. That’s not to say I haven’t had my share of breakdowns, including a trip to the UCLA mental hospital in 2005, but that’s another story for another time.
Balance is always important with anything. Without it, we start to lose our grip on reality. I recently changed my avatar on my twitter account to the spinning top from Inception:
If you remember in the film, this little thing is called a “Totem”, and the only way of knowing if Cobb (Leo DiCaprio) is in the real world is if it topples over. If he’s in a dream, it keeps spinning. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. There’s a clear balance as to what is a dream, and what is reality. In life, there is a clear balance to most things in our daily life, though there are certain gray areas we find ourselves in at times. Even the smallest decisions can effect the entirety of a situation.
So, in finality, my point is that I have been through more than most could bare, and I’ve come out stronger than ever, even if I have my moments of doubt and pain. I might not talk too much about the real issues, but they stay with me every day. Some things are just better left unsaid.
Been a while since I decided to write a little bloggity bloggity blu, so I figured I would talk a little bit about my current situation heading into the beginning of 2011;
The last 12 months of my life have been hellish to say the least. My Dad went to jail, I’ve been on a downward spiral since my Film School ambitions fell through, and I’m ultimately pessimistic about the state of 2010 in general. I’m here to tell you that it was worth it.
Why was it worth it? Struggle is a constant in all facets of life, whether it happens for a day, a week, a month, a year… There will always be bad things that happen, and things that we want, we won’t always get, even if we want them with all of our being. The key to overcoming problems is first ACCEPTING the issue. This is why 95% of people are depressed and upset to begin with, THEY DON’T ACCEPT THE PROBLEM!
Solutions to problems present themselves to those looking for them instead of worrying about it all the time. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how tough it is to NOT worry about everything, but worrying about the little things will get you nowhere. The big picture is the most important thing. We tend to get so wrapped up in all of the details that we don’t take a breath and look at the state of things as a whole. Are you still alive? Are you in decent health? Do you have friends and loved ones? We forget that these things should be priority #1 above anything else.
I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, unable to find a job, and unable to really figure out where I’m going, or where I’m headed. I’m lonely, I’m upset, and I have a lot on my mind, but I accept all of this, and know that if I keep pushing forward, these problems will gradually solve themselves, or slip away entirely.
My twitter is a good example of how I have kept myself stable. By sharing myself, and my opinions with the world, without bias towards others, with mutual respect and kindness, I feel that I have opened doors for myself that would not have if I had remained in my ignorance. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I hadn’t reached out. Remember, no matter how insignificant something may seem at the time, it could change someone’s life. As Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are both true and kind, they can change our world.” This is a mantra I never forget.
I cannot thank my friends and family enough for their love and support, and to my new friends, I want to let you know that even if you think you haven’t made an impact, you have. We are all connected, even when we’re not, and if we don’t think so.
So what have I learned this year? That life gives you things and takes other things away, that karma and consequence are always in play, that destiny and manifest destiny are one in the same, that time is constantly moving forward, and ultimately that things change with or without us.
As a neutral being, I will keep doing what I do best, and that’s moving forward. It’s all I can, and will ever do, no matter how much things change directly, or indirectly for me.
Live your life. Love your life. Respect your life.