Folks, the last 2 days have been filled with arguments ranging from the foolish to the down right wrong, but I have maintained myself and my position on these subjects.
I don’t lie about how I feel.
Most cannot handle the brutal honesty I bring to the table, and they leave after they’ve used me for whatever purpose I’ve served. But they don’t know the full story.
In 2004, I was living in a room not much bigger than a closet, in a mold covered house, poverty stricken, with no friends, and enemies all around me. My father, the moron that he was, had done some terrible things, and lied to not only the law, but to his own family. This continued on for a long, long time. But during that time in that space, I made a promise to myself.
I promised I would always tell the truth, and I would face the consequences, no matter what they were.
When someone you want to trust lies to you all the time, it instills a sense of righteousness within you. You want to redeem others by redeeming yourself, proving that you are not the liar the other person is.
I am far away from what my Dad is, and was. I tell the truth with brutal efficiency, and it usually gets me into trouble. But so be it. I am not afraid of speaking my mind, and if it means I lose friends, make enemies, and generally disgust others, then that is how it must be.
I will not compromise my personal beliefs for the sake of my personal well being. Sure, I will lie to protect others, but that is different. And when it comes to creativity, new ideas, and thoughts, I am always open.
Sometimes, the unpopular opinion or decision is the right one. I am the personification of this ideal. One day, I’m sure, you’ll understand what I mean, but for now, I shall continue as I have been; being Henry.
It has been shot, it will get cut, and it will go online in the coming weeks. I am now officially a director, if even in the smallest of capacities. I am humbled by the experience. I enjoyed it, and I shook all of the hands of my collaborators, and my friends.
It was not easy given that we had an hour to shoot it, but I gave it my best shot. The teacher told me I have the potential to be a great filmmaker one day. I am calm and cool, but also know what I want. I had to make changes, condense, and ultimately move it along, but in the end, the finished product will tell the tale.
I don’t know if it’s any good, nor do I expect it to be, but that fact remains: I directed and wrote a short film.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been very busy with finals and such. The stress has been piling on, and my eating habits have increased, not to the point of excessive weight gain, but 5 or 10 pounds. I got sick on Thursday morning, and I missed my first class of the semester. I’m not upset about it, but I do feel bad for my acting partner. We’ll get it sorted out.
Anyway, because I’ve been so stressed, what have I done? I threw myself into film. A slingshot, if you will. As most of you know, on my twitter account, I do short little reviews of movies. The briefness is because I try to boil them down to the essence. What did I take away? What did I see? How did I feel? Most people don’t want this out of their film, but I have a very intimate relationship with it. It’s like touching God to a Christian.
I will admit though, my loneliness has increased to the point that I cry at times. Sure, it’s not easy, but it helps to get the tears out of the way. Self doubt is a shitty thing, especially when you have nothing to doubt. My therapist says I should try and find a girlfriend, but that’s what I’ve been trying to do all along. The sad fact is that I lock myself in my apartment and watch movies in my spare time. I don’t go out to clubs, I don’t call my friends, and I just don’t do much. I “kick it”.
Sure, it’s all well and fine, and I like my solitude, but not having at least some contact outside of school or work with others… It gets difficult. Of course, my best friends understand, and they don’t take it personally. They shouldn’t, I honestly don’t like calling people unless I want to or absolutely have to. I like people calling me.
Back when I was a jaded teenager, my phone rang off the hook. Everyone wanted to hang out with me. I was the life of the party, though I never really got any action. People thought I was cool, but in the end, they were using me. Maybe that’s why I don’t call people. Betrayal cuts a deep wound.
Now? Times are very different. Of course I still have friends, but at the same time, I feel like I need to make more of an effort to call people, to hang out with people. Hermitism is not something that I would like to be known for. I want to enjoy my life, find pleasure out of the things I do, but I really wish I had a consistency in that respect. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Before I drone on too much longer, I did have one final question to pose to everyone: What am I doing wrong? What advice could anyone give? I’d like all the help I could get.
I said I wasn’t going to post anything on here on twitter, not only because I’m drunk, but I’m tired from all the other shit I have going on in my life right now.
I am lonely as hell, let’s get that out of the way.
This week will be the busiest I have had the whole semester, working on projects, and ultimately trying to finish my work in my classes and not falling to pieces. This summer, I’m only going to do 3 classes. Why? I want to make sure I have ample time for myself. I went full force coming in, but 3 classes is still a full load of work. I also transferred in some credits, so technically I started as a second quarter freshman anyway. Not only that, summer is my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in 4 weeks and 12 days.
7/16. My number, my persona, my lifeblood.
I am going to be 23. Though I could say I’m old, I’m not. I just feel old because of all the life experience I have already had. As I have said, I am a 40 year old in a 22 year old body. Most don’t get it, but if you’d have seen what I’ve seen, what I have lived through, having to grow up when I was but a child…
Everyone always tells me to write a screenplay, but honestly, I don’t know if that would do the story justice. There is so much pain and anguish, too many details that build to the whole. My story sounds like it was a film. Maybe it relates back to why I want to be a filmmaker. I have thought upon this, but I still have no true answer.
At times, I seem foolish, I do things normally people wouldn’t even dream of doing. But this is my life, and I am allowed to dream. I am working hard for that dream. The drive, the intensity, the gut feeling, it’s all there. I know what I want, and if I don’t get it for a long time, so be it, but I will spend the rest of my existence working towards my goal. I would rather die trying than have not tried at all.
Elusive as they may be, dreams are sometimes all we have in this world. The belief that we can change things, that we can do better as both people, and as a society. I don’t know if I’ll ever really get what I want, but even if I don’t, the fact that I became someone of importance would push me forward. I have an ego, yes, but I am not foolish.
If doing the right thing is the unpopular decision, then I will sacrifice to achieve it. As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility”. I would not dare break my responsibilities, nor my loyalties. I would die by the side of most of you because I believe in you.
I believe that, we, the people of the world, can be better. I believe that despite our differences, we can come to an understanding, and a compromise, no matter how great the feat. If we only took the time to appreciate and accept others for who they are, we would have a much greater sense of ourselves. We are all different, but it is those differences that make us beautiful. It is not about the physical anymore. We have entered the Age of New Ideas.
This may all seem like a drunk rambling to you, but I believe in humanity. We may do bad things, but if we push for peace, we shall overcome our differences and shake hands as friends and comrades, Brothers in Arms, and those of solemn character.