May 2012
38 posts
11 tags
Maybe.
Maybe I’m amazed…
I don’t know how I feel about shit these days. It’s all moving so fast, and it feels kind of shitty in some ways.
I still don’t have a girlfriend, I’m still doing well in my classes, I’m still being me… But something feels like it’s missing. The girlfriend part would be the culprit, but I really don’t think...
3 tags
The part where the drunk guy rambles about his...
I don’t blame you for all the wrong I’ve done. I blame myself for believing in this farce.
Existence is all I have, and I spend it bleeding away in the dark crevices of my psyche… A pain with my soul that cannot be filled. The broken promises and empty dreams build into a tangible negativity, a cocoon of despair. All I want is a slice of life I cannot attain, a love I cannot...
7 tags
My answers to questions asked.
Have you ever:
1) Self harmed? No.
2) Got into a real fight? Yes, but it was only for about 2 minutes.
3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed? Yes.
4) Tried to commit suicide? Yes, multiple times in the past.
5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Yes.
6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting? No, I don't have the time.
7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble? Yes.
8) Accused someone of using you? Yes.
9) Shoplifted? No.
10) Gotten drunk/high? I'm high right now.
11) Been to a concert where your favorite artist was playing? Yes, Gorillaz at Gibson Ampitheatre about a year and a half ago.
12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Yep, but I usually did all my homework beforehand or procrastinated to the last minute.
(Right now) Are you:
13) Suicidal? No.
14) Bored? Meh.
15) Avoiding someone? A few, actually.
16) Avoiding some task? Several, usually when I need to actually do them.
17) Depressed? Kind of... But not to an extreme extent.
18) Crying? Not yet. Maybe when I listen to 'Kissed By a Rose' by Seal later.
19) Annoyed with a friend? Not particularly.
20) Worried and confused about something important to you? Of course! I'm always worried, but I keep my cool.
Do you:
21) Get depressed easily? It changes day to day. Mostly due to some feelings of personal failure in multiple areas. Usually not crippling however.
22) Get jealous/envious easily? Every once in a while, but it's really more of a respect thing.
23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things? Yeah, or it can make things happen. Really depends on the mood I'm in, and what songs I like playing.
24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot? Constantly.
25) Try hard in all your classes at school? Out of 14 classes I took last year, I got 11 As. What do you think?
26) Go out drinking? From time to time.
27) Smoke cigarettes? No, I did for about 2 years, but I stopped.
28) Smoke weed? Didn't I say I was high right now?
29) Do any hard drugs? No, but I have tried some.
30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why? I had 2 people overdose on Cocaine in my bathroom on my 19th birthday. I've seen meth heads, heroin junkies, and crackheads. I see the misery that is caused by self-destruction, and the loss of a will to live in such an addicted state. I fear for myself in this way, but I don't want to hurt my body more than necessary. I am interested in taking hallucinogens in safe environments with my friends however, but that is an entirely different scenario.
31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will? I am a Zen Buddhist, and I don't really believe in God. I'm Agnostic to the idea of him. I was raised Reform Jewish, and had a Bar Mitzvah when I was 13, but I have renounced the religion to follow my own path. This does not necessarily mean I don't respect the teachings and codes of Jewish Faith, but I cannot commit myself in to something I don't believe.
32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them? It depends on the context. I love my friends, but I sometimes feel that my excessive behavior patterns and unruly nature sometimes causes major catastrophes in my social spectrum. I wish it weren't so, and I wish that I was not so shy to talk to pretty girls. I'm slowly learning to accept that I may not be the deviant I declare myself to be, but I have yet to fully cross that border.
33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain? No, absolutely not. You can only find the answers you seek within yourself by accepting your position. Believe me, I've tried, and it's a path that will lead you to ultimate self-destruction, and your loved ones will never be able to forget.
34) Believe people deserve second chances? It depends on how bad they fucked up, and if they're truly willing to redeem themselves.
35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying) No. Vengeance is not so simple, and it only leads to more pain.
36) Think things will get better? Yes, things will get better, but somethings will get worse. Accepting this leads to the good things being much more powerful than the bad things.
37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished? I am penitent for my sins. If I am to be punished, so be it. I will not deny things I've done, no matter how good or bad they are.
38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest) No, but I do judge people who judge other people. I.E. Anti-Gay Protesters, Religious Evangelists, etc.
Would you:
51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk? I have before, and I will again.
52) Smoke weed? Do I really have to answer this again?
53) Smoke cigarettes? Not really... Maybe one if I gave into peer pressure.
54) Get even with someone who betrayed you? No, I would be the bigger man, though I would not trust nor speak to them again.
55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you? Yes, but I would probably have a hard time talking to them after the fact.
56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you? I hate suicide, but only if it was the absolute last resort. I would never consider otherwise.
57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what? All I need, All I have, and All I want is faith in myself. It's all I require.
58) Join a band as a part time activity? Hellz yeah!
59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse? Yes, I would try to help them if I could as well. I may have my vices, but I'm not someone who would ever force anything on anyone, nor would I do it near them.
60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them? Yes. My truth is what defines me, and if someone doesn't want to understand it, fuck 'em, they're not worthy of my time.
61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like? Yeah, I was thinking about doing that this fall.
62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family? Depends on the context.
63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online? Nah, I like the crazy shit I do. The funnier or crazier the picture, the better.
64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported? Yeah, but I'd try not to bring up the subject too much. There needs to be some opposites in order to build chemistry with others. I don't always agree with my friends, but I respect their right to their opinion, and that's what bonds us together.
65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people? That's a tough one... I probably wouldn't be friends with someone like that to begin with. Maybe acquaintances.
66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them? Unless it was something I knew for myself, I stand on neutral ground.
67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems? I do this all the time. I hate doing it, but my problems are my own. I don't want to force people to be part of it. Most I can solve myself, but sometimes I really do need help.
68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes?
69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you? I'd fix any major malady I had a problem with, but I would fix my deviated septum in my nose. I wouldn't want to get plastic surgery or any major body modifications.
6 tags
The Avengers was Fucking AWESOME!!
Go see that shit, for real.
Via your resident Movie Geek aka yours truly.
- H
3 tags
