2011: Year in Review, and 2012: Year of Reinvention
2011. It was a good year, a bad year, a momentous year, a tragic year, and everything in between. I started going to college, I made a bunch of friends(all of whom I love DEARLY), I got in a head-on car accident, I went through the worst depression of my life, I lived in a hotel for 2 months… The list, as usual, goes on.
But in between all of this chaotic mess, I realized what I truly wanted out of life, that there are people I can relate to, and I found something that gave my existence some meaning. I found a sense of ease I have never had, a sense of capability, a sense of understanding…
I also caused a lot of problems. I fell in love with girls who didn’t feel the same, I made myself look like an ass, I grew out my hair too long, and I lost myself. Most of all, I hurt my friends more times than I can count, and that really makes me upset.
As in all things, Balance is the name of the game, and this year was a tightrope act, riding the line of Genius and Insanity, trying to find out who was right or wrong, and if I was truly on the right path. I still don’t have an answer, and I probably won’t, either because I don’t deserve it(yet), or because it’s already in front of me and I haven’t seen it.
There were times I felt like my life was worth nothing(a feeling I have while writing this), and times when I felt that I was Superman incarnate, but there were always times where I was indifferent and curious, wondering where things were going, and if I was just going to follow or lead.
I am, and will always be, an asshole. Yes, most of you don’t feel this way, but I do, for I am the only one who truly knows what I’m thinking, and I really did my fair share of fucking up. Most recently, I pissed off my friends with a joke I made on Twitter, only to discover I had made a serious mistake in judgment. This is only just an example of the monumental fuckups I am capable of.
It is difficult being a good friend, and even more difficult when you are blinded by your emotions, whether that be Envy, Pride, Rage, or any sin worthy of note. I am human, I make mistakes, but I feel I make far too many. At times, I feel like Gollum from Lord of the Rings… Searching for the one thing that will make me whole, but it only leads to my downfall.
Words cannot describe the amount of sorrow I feel for all the times I’ve done wrong, and for all the things I wish I could say to make things right, but I would hope that most would realize how terrible I feel just being alive. I cannot believe the amount of strength my friends have to even talk to me, or try to understand me. A lot of times, I don’t think I deserve them, and granted, maybe I don’t. Why they stay is beyond even my comprehension.
This all being said, I don’t hate myself. I got almost all As these past few semesters in college, I was frugal with my spending, I went from being in the worst position in my life to the best position I’ve been in just about ever, and I found confidence and strength when I needed it most. I wasn’t on the run anymore, I was alive, and I was free. In terms of my professional stature, I am doing incredibly well. People have commented that I don’t give myself enough credit for overcoming so many obstacles without losing my composure. They’re right, but as with everything, I do not feel a sense of pride until the job is done, and done well. I try to be professional and logical when I have to be, a stalwart and calm presence in the face of overwhelming odds. Fear is natural, but giving into that fear destroys you entirely.
I tend to bring up duality in a lot in my life, though not everything is black and white. Humans in general have the potential to do both good and bad, and at times you have to cross the line in order for that to happen. I am one who tells it like it is, who says what they feel no matter how angry, sad, or ridiculous it may sound to others. I don’t try to sugarcoat anything, especially when it comes to myself, because realizing the weaknesses in myself makes me stronger. This brings me to my major point, and the reason for this post.
2012, and the prospect of this coming year, seems bright. I am heading into this year in probably the darkest of moods, but I know that things will change. That change will only come if I apply myself however, and I intend to do so. My theme for this year is “REINVENT YOURSELF”.
The old Henry, the Henry of the past, must die in order for the new Henry to arise from the ashes like a Phoenix reborn. I have to discard the parts of me that will only seek to wear me out, and bring me down, and strengthen the ones that will lead me to finding inner peace within my chaotic, melancholy mind.
I have written out a list, and here is what I plan on doing:
1. Lose 25-30 lbs.
I have always been husky and bulky, but this needs to change. In order for me to feel truly better about myself, I must work out my aggression at the gym as I once did a few years ago. I know I have the potential to be very handsome if I only put in the necessary effort, which I did not this past year. I’ll also feel much better about myself overall, as my weight has always been a looming topic on my mind.
2. Reduce Marijuana Consumption.
Yes, you read that right. I’m not stopping entirely, but I realize that a fit body requires a fit mind, and vice versa. I love getting stoned, but it’s not helping me further my own needs, and it’s not helping me in the female department either.
3. Get back on a diet.
This goes with #1 obviously, but is important to include because portion control is just as important as keeping a steady exercise regimen.
4. Get a Tattoo.
In the past, I wouldn’t have even considered it, but as I’ve gotten older, the want and the need for one has become all too apparent. I think a tattoo will be a healthy reminder of what my goals need to be, and where I should be headed. I’ve already made the preliminary design for it, but I have to work on it more to perfect it so I can actually get inked. It’s a Mandalorian Helmet, representing a lot of things to me, not just Star Wars, but how I view myself; On the fringes, strong, not necessarily the best looking dude, and my Cowboy-esque Gungho attitude.
5. Get new glasses.
I love my glasses, but since the car accident, they got kind of fucked up, and I feel it’s necessary to replace them now, especially since my eye trouble. They won’t be too different, just a pseudo-upgrade.
6. Get a job/internship.
I have too much free time, way more than I put on, and filling that time is necessary for me now. The economy has ruined my credit score, as well as previous uncontrollable bad decisions by outside elements, and I need to work. I need to come home every day like I have in the past, and just completely zone out, exhausted, and fall asleep. I need to feel alive, distracted, like I really do have a lot on my mind with all the obligations having a job entails. I want to feel accomplished, to feel like what I’m doing has purpose towards a greater goal, whether that be money or experience. This will open me up to even more new elements, and will expose me to the world like I once was, instead of being on a computer, clicking away about how my life sucks.
“REINVENT YOURSELF.” That is the key thought. I don’t want to be who I am anymore, as interesting as this person is. I don’t feel like the person I am right now, and that’s not how I should feel at all. I should feel confident in myself instead of insecure, happy instead of depressed, and intelligent instead of foolish. I want to be the man I was meant to be, not just a shell of all the bad things that have happened to me.
The caterpillar is coming out of the cocoon. I have to get ready to spread my wings and soar as the Butterfly I am! It will be a long journey, and one with yet more obstacles, but one I can overcome. I will make amends to all, and I will forgive myself.
I just have to remember what makes life worth living.