Running from something I can’t escape
I can’t escape it. That feeling… That insecurity… That chalice of foul brevity… That depression and sadness within…
I wish not to embrace it, but I also cannot understand it. I wish my mind was not so foggy as it is now. Lately, I feel I have grown colder in my personality. More angry, and more unwilling. I don’t know what it is that’s creating this distinction, but it’s driving me crazy.
Is it those feelings? Or is it because I keep reminding myself of the mistakes I’ve made? Is it because I torture myself by not saying what I TRULY feel for fear that I will be ridiculed and berated? Maybe I’m over-thinking things?
I’m probably not looking at all the good, but I have not been one to tarry on such happiness for long. I am a constant moving target. I am afraid. But am I guided by this negativity like my father before me? Am I in danger of following the same path with different circumstances? I do not know.
I can’t tell if things are getting better or getting worse. They just seem kind of bland. Conflict drives me, negative or positive, I look forward to facing challenges. I am a glutton for punishment I do not deserve. I reap the benefits of experience while still being a young man. I am utterly lost in a haze…
The things I strive for seem dull in these gray days. I wonder what the days ahead will bring, as only hope is what keeps me intact at this moment.
So onward I go, riding the lightning, hoping for a time of serendipity to come my way, and show me what I have been missing in my life. How soon, or how late that will come is uncertain as always, but only time will tell.