#Winning and the bizarreness of 2011
We’re all winning, but the world seems to be losing…
Libya, Japan, The Economy, Charlie Sheen… It’s all shit that’s going to effect the world for a long time to come.
Years do not always go by quickly. They change, rapidly, always.
What are we to say what’s the right course of action? Need the world not feel suffering for it’s actions?
It may, It may not.
What is next is hard to say. Not even I can conjure up anything
All I know is I’m moving forward with me.
So I was noticing something today; I am INCREDIBLY behind the times. After all that’s happened, I feel like I’ve been transported 5 years into the future. I was stuck in a capsule of negativity and being kept from the outside world. I have to rebuild my world, and in doing that, I have to look back to make sure I don’t do things I’ve already done in the past.
I notice this because I don’t really listen to Pop music. Like EVER. I fucking hate shit like Ke$ha, Rihanna, Justin Bieber… All that crap. Why? It doesn’t sound as good to me, and it’s stupid. I’m much much smarter than most when it comes to music having taken a college course on The History of Rock and Roll (I got an A), and having friends who are as musically inclined to introduce me to new artists all the time.
For example, I started listening to Deadmau5 about a month or two ago, and I love his stuff. I had never heard of him before, but he was gaining popularity, and I am a big techno/house/trance fan. Now, I listen to his 3 albums on a regular basis.
I’ve also been getting a lot more into the Electronic scene lately. I don’t know why, but it’s capturing my attention more than it ever did before. With Daft Punk’s INCREDIBLE Tron: Legacy soundtrack, Deadmau5, and LCD Soundsystem, it seems that Electronica is evolving in lots of different ways, and always turning into something completely new. I would love to be a part of this. I just really don’t know where to start if I really wanted it.
My point is I haven’t really been paying attention to the changes around me because, well, nothing’s changed in a major way in my immediate environment. Things have just kind of fallen apart, and I’ve been stuck in this apartment most of the time in the last year. I’m very introverted, but I need social contact, and sometimes, It’s hard to be alone so much. I’m alone about 90% of the time, and that’s not by choice.
Because of the gravity of the situation I’m in, and the negative base that has formed, I tend to make things more overbearing on myself, receding back into my shell, just like a crab or a turtle when it’s scared. I live in a shell. It’s my comfort zone, but it doesn’t feel so comfortable anymore.
I want to go on an adventure in 2011. I want to see where my path leads me, and I want to get out in the world. I want to BE somebody, not a ghost on the internet, always talking about the things I could be doing instead of SHOULD be doing with life.
I never really got any validation for all the good things I’ve done for people, and though I never asked for a thank you, I still feel that the universe owes me, and I’ve come to collect.
Come at me world, show me what you’ve got! I’m ready to discover what I’ve missed all this time!
This means War!
So my twitter account is becoming a very part of me, and it’s time to go to war… but not with someone else. No, it’s time to go to war with myself.
For the last year and a half, all I’ve done is wallow in pity of myself, trying to make sense of all the pain I’ve been through. I used to think I could handle it, but now that things are changing, I just want to let it all go.
But It’s so fucking hard.
I didn’t cause any of the damage dealt to me. I was forced into this situation by a man I call my father. It sucks more than a $20 hooker.
I act much older than I am. I don’t know why, but I don’t consider myself a kid by any means. People really don’t take me seriously. I really don’t think they should either. I’m crass, bold, think I know everything, but what am I worth? I haven’t proven anything to anyone other than myself.
I used to work as a game tester. I was 1 of 1500 that applied and 10 that got hired. I worked my ass off on that job, and my name is in the credits of TWO videogames. That’s nothing to be honest. Before that? I was an intern on a show called Kitchen Confidential. I was the youngest intern ever at 17. I felt good, but I made a fool of myself. I met a lot of cool people, and I got my first real taste of the industry. I know that my fortune lies in Entertainment, I just don’t know where yet.
I can act, sing, dance, write, but I still need to figure out which talent I should focus on. That’s the hard part. I want to do it all and more. I’m ambitious. I want to be a Creative Businessman.
So what’s next for me heading into the end of the year? Well, I have a few resolutions:
To live in the moment as much as possible. To let go of my fears, to find my path, to love, to lose, to win, to have moments of joy, and moments of pain. To handle myself with grace and understanding that is necessary. To not put so much pressure on myself. To accept who I am with all my might. To make new friends, or gain potential new enemies. To hold, to lust, to eat, to drink…
I really just hope I have a great 2011.
And so, life goes on, and we follow.
I got problems yo, but that ain’t stoppin’ me…
Been a while since I decided to write a little bloggity bloggity blu, so I figured I would talk a little bit about my current situation heading into the beginning of 2011;
The last 12 months of my life have been hellish to say the least. My Dad went to jail, I’ve been on a downward spiral since my Film School ambitions fell through, and I’m ultimately pessimistic about the state of 2010 in general. I’m here to tell you that it was worth it.
Why was it worth it? Struggle is a constant in all facets of life, whether it happens for a day, a week, a month, a year… There will always be bad things that happen, and things that we want, we won’t always get, even if we want them with all of our being. The key to overcoming problems is first ACCEPTING the issue. This is why 95% of people are depressed and upset to begin with, THEY DON’T ACCEPT THE PROBLEM!
Solutions to problems present themselves to those looking for them instead of worrying about it all the time. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how tough it is to NOT worry about everything, but worrying about the little things will get you nowhere. The big picture is the most important thing. We tend to get so wrapped up in all of the details that we don’t take a breath and look at the state of things as a whole. Are you still alive? Are you in decent health? Do you have friends and loved ones? We forget that these things should be priority #1 above anything else.
I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, unable to find a job, and unable to really figure out where I’m going, or where I’m headed. I’m lonely, I’m upset, and I have a lot on my mind, but I accept all of this, and know that if I keep pushing forward, these problems will gradually solve themselves, or slip away entirely.
My twitter is a good example of how I have kept myself stable. By sharing myself, and my opinions with the world, without bias towards others, with mutual respect and kindness, I feel that I have opened doors for myself that would not have if I had remained in my ignorance. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I hadn’t reached out. Remember, no matter how insignificant something may seem at the time, it could change someone’s life. As Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are both true and kind, they can change our world.” This is a mantra I never forget.
I cannot thank my friends and family enough for their love and support, and to my new friends, I want to let you know that even if you think you haven’t made an impact, you have. We are all connected, even when we’re not, and if we don’t think so.
So what have I learned this year? That life gives you things and takes other things away, that karma and consequence are always in play, that destiny and manifest destiny are one in the same, that time is constantly moving forward, and ultimately that things change with or without us.
As a neutral being, I will keep doing what I do best, and that’s moving forward. It’s all I can, and will ever do, no matter how much things change directly, or indirectly for me.
Live your life. Love your life. Respect your life.