Maximus the Merciful
It’s weird to feel nothing and everything all at once.
Sure, I feel numb, but I also feel renewed. This weekend helped me to remember, but also to forget.
I didn’t think about almost anything on the way. A 5 hour drive with a playlist of all my favorite current songs playing. The Mojave Desert. Lone Pine. Bishop. Finally, Mammoth Lakes.
California has been my home for many years, but I had never undertaken such a lengthy drive into unknown territory. Granted, I spent time in Mammoth during my tumultuous youth, but it was not to my liking. I am not fond of the cold, the elevation makes me sick, and I get really bored. Luckily, none of those things happened when I was up there, and the drive up was nice. It felt good to get out of the muck and heat of the naked city.
I don’t get to see my sister often. She’s busy at NYU, trying to finish school. She will graduate this next year, majoring in economics. It’s strange that she and I will be graduating the same year, but on opposite coasts, her in the summer, and I in the fall. I don’t feel intimidated by this as I once did, for I realize now that I am more suited to the college atmosphere than I would have been in years prior. It’s just strange to think that I have been attending this school for over a year and a half.
Anyway, she is doing okay. I met her boyfriend of 9 months for the first time. He was pretty great. I’m glad to see her with someone stable and intelligent for once, as she tends to hide her emotions away, unlike yours truly. She and I have always been on juxtaposing sides, but we have both shared similar experiences. We don’t always see eye to eye, but we try to keep things light due to not wanting to bring up the past.
However, this weekend, the past reared it’s ugly head once again, as it always does. On Friday night, I had drank a significant amount of alcohol. I was sharing a room in the condo with my mom, and we started to argue about things past and present. At some point, I don’t remember when, I began to weep. But this was not a normal weep, this was a purging kind of weep. For an hour, I cried, my mom holding me, and trying to help explain why I felt the way I did. Despite her erratic behavior, the woman has done her research, and I was told a few things that I had not been made aware of concurrently. I don’t remember all of it, but I do feel much lighter, emotionally speaking.
On Saturday, I took a 2 hour hike with the 2 of them, heading up to Minaret Vista. It was a glorious sight. I had not been near nature in a long time, and it was marvelous to see that there are still parts of this Earth left untouched by man, that hold beauty beyond that of civilization. It was eye-opening, but it was also humbling. To say Mammoth looks like Skyrim would be rather accurate believe it or not, though no snow covered the ground or mountains when I was there. It also marked one of the first times I have not complained on such a venture, in fact, I was willing to be compliant to this cause.
However, on Sunday, that changed a bit. My mom rustled in her bed all night, causing me massive lack of sleep. I awoke early that morning hoping to hike around Convict Lake, and I was promised a hearty breakfast beforehand. This was not to be. Being impatient, my mother and sister decided that we should not dine at the breakfast place, and rather, go to the lake to dine instead. I remarked that, though I was upset, I would be satisfied if they had breakfast there. When we got there, it was clear, but my breakfast was not to be. I was furious.
Now, to some, it might seem petty that I would get so upset over not being able to get breakfast, but then you wouldn’t understand that I don’t normally eat breakfast at all. I skip it and go directly to lunch because I am usually not up early enough in the morning to retrieve it. When I am promised breakfast, I consider it a big deal because that means Eggs, Sausage, Bacon, Pancakes, Coffee, Orange Juice… I love breakfast. When that promise is broken because of foolish impatience, I lose my temper, as I did.
I had to physically leave the restaurant to calm myself down due to my anger. I didn’t scream or yell, as my anger tends to boil over time, rather than just exploding all at once. It grows, and the smaller eruptions release some of the tension, but not all of it. I am rarely angry to this extent, but it was also supplemented by the fact that my mother had made me a promise, and broke it. It brought up all the times this had happened, inherently causing a pseudo-meltdown. I didn’t even get to hike around the lake because clouds blew over, and began to pour rain down into the area. I was not happy.
Finally, it was time to leave, and I hit the road again. Despite taking me only 4 1/2 hours, which is amazing considering it was a 300 mile drive, it was brutal. People in California don’t know how to drive, or what they’re doing half the time they’re driving. They are ignorant, reckless, and self-concerned beyond all hell. It makes me wonder if the accident rate will go up in the near future just because of the sheer stupidity of it all. I would go into details about this, but I do not feel the need to do so. Let’s just say that I was so frustrated when I got home, I thought I was going to kill someone, and that’s not normal for me.
Ultimately, I don’t regret my decision to head up to the mountains. As with anything, you have to take the good with the bad, the yin with the yang. I definitely feel more clearheaded, but I also feel a bit more confused. I look at myself in the mirror, and I recognize the face, but I don’t know the person behind it anymore. This has happened once before, and it will always continue to happen, but I am quite sick of being in the middle of transitional states. Riding the line is difficult, and though I do it well, I just want to be on one side or the other. I’m tired of this meandering.
I suppose only time will tell, but for now, I remain as I always have; here, there, and everywhere.
I’ve had an emotional crisis all day today, actually a number of crises to be exact.
My mom was around as I had to prepare certain legal documents for another items that wasn’t my doing…
I suppose the past crept up on me so much that I started to lose focus of myself… I wanted to much to be everyone’s go-to-guy, but I realize that I can’t be Superman…
I want to meet my needs, but I also want to meet the needs of others when requested. It’s part of the balancing act.
This is not all I have a problem with, however.
I’m gonna be 24 in less than 3 months, yet I feel 24 already, and I’m dealing with a personal crisis.
As much as I hate to admit this, it’s on the pseudo-‘romantic’ front of my life, and my failures in this, and my general feeling of impotence… It’s overwhelming. I’m letting my thoughts get the better of me, spending a lot of time alone, and without anyone’s solid, solitary advise.
Most people are fucking stupid, I’m just going to be honest. Most of you probably don’t have a fucking clue what I’m going through, how I got here, and why I’m having so much trouble. I am sensitive to everything I do, every step I take, and everything that has been, or will be said. You haven’t experienced life as I have, and I probably haven’t seen it the way you are now. Advise is good, but without legitimate understanding, you have no clue as to the amount of pressure I put on myself… The suffering I allow to take control…
I’m tired, I’m weakened, and I’m lonely. I’m searching for something I haven’t found yet, and my expectations are too high, not just for myself, but of what is to come. For a realist, this is a problem. Optimism is fine, but if it is spread too thin, and we believe too wholly into it, then we fall, as I am now.
I let my emotions, my ideas, my feelings, get in the way of what was important, and I’m letting it get in the way of what IS important. I want to focus, but for once, I truly need a break. I’m tired, and I’m suffering for it.
Truth be told, I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, or where the hell I’m gonna go, but I need to let some shit go if I’m ever going to reach my destination, and I’m starting today.
Crown of Thorns
I am fucking depressed.
It’s not because I have too much going on right now, or too little. I’m just in a (legitimately) sick, and lethargic state.
My mind is a blur of sadness…
Let’s start at the beginning;
I’ve been sick since Saturday, but the cold has only gotten worse since then, with the peak being today. My dreams were of my Father, and his side of the family. A nightmarish group of individuals who only seem to care about themselves.
I remember lying in a room not dissimilar to my living room with my old dogs, and looking out at the night through the window near me. The cityscape was strange, ethereal, with lights cutting through the streets in the darkness. I heard my grandmother calling out to me, trying to find me, and my fear creeping up on me. I kept completely quiet and still as I heard the group travel up and down a set of concrete stairs outside the door. It began to open on it’s own, and no matter how hard I pushed, it continued to open. I laid back down on the couch, trying to hide from them, but alas, the door swung open, and I was cornered.
My Grandmother called out to me, asked me why I had not called, why I had not kept in contact with her, feeding me lies and guilt that overwhelmed my very being as my extended family looked on with cold, unrelenting eyes. I tried to respond, but I could not come up with the right words to explain my position. The guilt was too great, and my mind too shattered.
I woke up with blood in my mucus, my nose stuffed up, and a general ill feeling. I cleared out my pipes, then walked into my kitchen to make some medicine. I turn on the light, and BAM! It shorts out. Aggravating to say the least.
I looked at the box of Theraflu and realized that it would not be enough to circumvent my symptoms, which were worse than before. “Fuck!” I shouted as I threw the box back onto the counter.
I called my mother to inform her of my plight, but the conversation became about how I didn’t have insurance, and how it wasn’t her responsibility to help me with finding insurance due to my age(though I had asked her many, MANY times to help me prior). It soon degraded to nagging until I just exploded on her. The foul feelings within appearing only briefly, then subsiding as the exchange came to a close.
I got dressed, and jumped in my car. I felt like I couldn’t hear anything as I traveled to the pharmacy down the street.
The past few hours have been quiet once again, but all too quiet for my taste. The medicine helps, but it does not help my psychological state. I feel mindraped, lost, uncomposed… Like a living illusion. A ghost. An apparition.
I suppose that watching Ancient Discoveries about Torture Devices cannot have helped, but I do not think it hurt either. I feel… alone. Like I don’t exist.
I have dealt with this many times before, but recently this emotion has come into play more in this new year than ever. Some of my friends, though very nice, seem to forget I’m around. I guess I can’t blame them, since I hardly make contact on my own terms. I don’t know why I just don’t talk to people because, if anything, all I want to do is talk. I talk to myself all the time. I live within my own mind, having conversations with myself to determine which course of action would better suit me, and which would make me appear to be something I’m not. The only thing I’m trying to be is me, but sometimes, even that backfires.
I can’t say I blame anyone for feeling weird about me, for not feeling trusting, or understanding. It’s hard to understand someone who is completely aware of themselves. It’s frightening. Also, due to my extensive life experience in such a short time, it is intimidating. People are worried I’ll go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds or less, and yes, I do have my moments, but I’m trying to get better. I’m always trying to get better.
I suppose that this is just a phase, a passing glance of something that may or may not be. I have no ideas, I just have the constant of moving forward.
Out of the Frying Pan…
So life is good.
It’s been a while since I really wrote a GOOD blog, or more matter of factly, I was drunk enough. Maybe it’s because I’ve been really busy, doing assignments and shit, smoking weed, and just being Henry. I’ve been eating healthier, being more proactive in my projects, and I feel as though I have purpose in my existence.
I have come a long way.
But there are things going on behind the scenes. My Mom is divorcing my Dad, who is currently incarcerated, I’m not talking to his family, and My Mom is also dating someone. And she’s become more selfish.
I talked briefly to my sister tonight about all of that, and ultimately, I want my mom to be happy. But to move on that quickly into another relationship, and to not concern yourself with getting a job first? I find that foolish.
Granted, my Dad is an asshole, and it’s the first time my Mom has had any freedom in almost 30 years, but the dust still has not settled only 6 months in. I know it’s ALMOST over, and when it is, I won’t be worried about ANY of it.
It’s not my problem anymore. I don’t have to MAKE it my problem anymore.
I got problems yo, but that ain’t stoppin’ me…
Been a while since I decided to write a little bloggity bloggity blu, so I figured I would talk a little bit about my current situation heading into the beginning of 2011;
The last 12 months of my life have been hellish to say the least. My Dad went to jail, I’ve been on a downward spiral since my Film School ambitions fell through, and I’m ultimately pessimistic about the state of 2010 in general. I’m here to tell you that it was worth it.
Why was it worth it? Struggle is a constant in all facets of life, whether it happens for a day, a week, a month, a year… There will always be bad things that happen, and things that we want, we won’t always get, even if we want them with all of our being. The key to overcoming problems is first ACCEPTING the issue. This is why 95% of people are depressed and upset to begin with, THEY DON’T ACCEPT THE PROBLEM!
Solutions to problems present themselves to those looking for them instead of worrying about it all the time. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how tough it is to NOT worry about everything, but worrying about the little things will get you nowhere. The big picture is the most important thing. We tend to get so wrapped up in all of the details that we don’t take a breath and look at the state of things as a whole. Are you still alive? Are you in decent health? Do you have friends and loved ones? We forget that these things should be priority #1 above anything else.
I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, unable to find a job, and unable to really figure out where I’m going, or where I’m headed. I’m lonely, I’m upset, and I have a lot on my mind, but I accept all of this, and know that if I keep pushing forward, these problems will gradually solve themselves, or slip away entirely.
My twitter is a good example of how I have kept myself stable. By sharing myself, and my opinions with the world, without bias towards others, with mutual respect and kindness, I feel that I have opened doors for myself that would not have if I had remained in my ignorance. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I hadn’t reached out. Remember, no matter how insignificant something may seem at the time, it could change someone’s life. As Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are both true and kind, they can change our world.” This is a mantra I never forget.
I cannot thank my friends and family enough for their love and support, and to my new friends, I want to let you know that even if you think you haven’t made an impact, you have. We are all connected, even when we’re not, and if we don’t think so.
So what have I learned this year? That life gives you things and takes other things away, that karma and consequence are always in play, that destiny and manifest destiny are one in the same, that time is constantly moving forward, and ultimately that things change with or without us.
As a neutral being, I will keep doing what I do best, and that’s moving forward. It’s all I can, and will ever do, no matter how much things change directly, or indirectly for me.
Live your life. Love your life. Respect your life.