Revenge of the Giant Face
INT. HENRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
HENRY ABRAMS, a mildly overweight but handsome looking 23 year old, sits at his desk, writing a blog…
INSERT: HENRY’S HANDS TYPING AWAY
An example of how a screenplay is structured, and also an example of where my mind has been at.
I have never been more focused on my work than I have now. Socially, things are getting interesting as well. I still haven’t found anyone to rub my genitals or stimulate my mind, but I can’t say that thought is bogging my down like it once was. I have too much on my plate, and Daddy’s hungry for more!
Currently, I’ve been writing, producing, and getting ready to start taking my directing classes. Needless to say, I am excited, confident, and I feel more prepared than I would have been last year. Things are constantly shifting as always, but now the shifts are more noticeable, and smaller. My confidence is the highest it’s been ever, but not to the excess of cockiness. I have people around me to keep my grounded, and people who actually give a damn.
Sure, I don’t visit with others as often as I’d like to, but bonding through mutual love of Entertainment and Media has only served as a positive, and is helping people to see who I really am.
For the first time ever, I can honestly say that I like who I am. That is an achievement for me. For those that know me, they know that I am oversensitive and incredibly self-conscious, watching every move I make, and analyzing as situations develop. But I am starting to lower my stress levels regarding my psychological state. I just try to be me, 24/7, 365. Stress in my workload is, of course, different, but not as it once was. I can handle whatever is thrown at me, and I adapt. I always appreciate a challenge, and if I fail, it’s a learning experiment.
Such astuteness can only benefit myself in the future, but it depends on the cost of what I may or may not accomplish. I have to be uncompromising in my vision, while still being able to accept criticism and use it to develop moving forward. I worry that sometimes that maybe I am too far gone from what I had intended, but something happens to shift me back and realize that things are not as bad as I had thought.
I see the true shift in mentality on the horizon, the one that will define me, and what I hope to achieve with my life. I finally have a clear vantage point to level the actions taken versus what others expect. Things are good.
I will be posting up 2 links towards the end of the month, “Scrambled Love”, in which I acted, and “Flamingo Rhapsody”, which I produced. I am very proud of the work I did on both projects, and I hope that you will be too.
I am being embraced by my community, my friends, and it feels good.
So this last week, despite my awesome blog postings and such, the beginning of the healing process over my dad, attaining a good grip on my mental state, and being over a week sober, I realize that I basically did what I did for most of last year: nothing.
Granted, people would tell me that I haven’t done NOTHING, I have done something. The problem is, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I haven’t motivated myself like I should have this past week, nor the past year. I let myself take a breather instead of beginning to look for what I want out of my future. But what DO I want?
At this point, I’m really not sure. I know more about film than most people to the extent my friends, and even my own mother begged me to head off in that direction. It’s really something I’ve always wanted and have dreamed of, but the problem is that the dream was soured for me due to excessive worry and bother over trying to get rolling, as well as my Dad pushing me. I attempted to go to Film School this last fall as I have documented before, but when it fell through, I kind of let go of it. I moved on. If something doesn’t go my way, I don’t try it again usually. I’m not like that. That’s not to say in this sense that I would not try going to Film School again, more that I would not attempt to go to the same school that I applied to. But I digress, I am not someone who is easily swayed into trying something again because I saw what happened when my father did what he did for so many years. My uncle said it was like a crazy person trying the same thing 1000x, trying to get a different reaction each time, never giving up. Most people, myself included, would give up by the 3rd or 4th try.
What are my other options? Well, as you can probably tell, and being the arrogant son of a bitch that I am, I am an exceedingly good writer. Better than most if I do say so myself. When I was younger, they put me in the gifted programs at most of my schools because of my writing abilities (a prodigy if you will), and the way that I can convey emotions and feelings through the page. When I write, it’s a release of creativity, a sort of mental masturbation. I write whatever comes to mind with little forethought as to what exactly I’m going to write about other than an outline, this blog post included. I have been suggested to by a few people that I should try the UCLA Writer’s Extension program. People who have seen my work have given me high amounts of praise, but until I prove my worth, writing an article or a story for a major publication, a book, a screenplay, I do not feel that I could make it, at least, not without some help.
The last thing may come as a bit of a shock to some, or maybe not at all; Acting. I used to do a lot of acting in my High School plays, but even before that, I took classes at Lee Strasberg, I went to an acting camp, and I had many other experiences learning and doing acting. The problem was that I always got the supporting roles, even though in every play I ever performed in, I was granted the highest praise over even the lead actors. Not that this was a problem, but it stung when I knew that it was more about popularity and good looks than about actual talent. I also love giving speeches. I am not afraid to get in front of a crowd and express myself and what I have to say. I ran for Student Council the last year of High School for the Presidency. My speech was about how my fellow peers should vote for who they thought was the best person to represent them, and not about popularity. I said I didn’t care if they voted for me or not, I just wanted them to make the right choice. People came up to me after all was said and done, and even shook my hand, telling me how good my speech was. I lost by 2 votes, not that I really cared. Politics is a dirty business anyway, especially knowing my Dad was the youngest elected official in US history (True story).
So, having weighed these options, I ask myself, what should I do? Should I proceed with Film once again? Should I head into acting? Or is my writing really good enough to warrant more time and effort?
I think the underlying issue to the question is that I really do need help. I need help getting motivated, and I need help getting started. I know what good I can do, but because I am still stinging from the pain of being told I had nothing to offer, it’s hard for me to even begin anything. I received help in all the wrong places and ways, even though I tried hard to make due with what I had. It just wasn’t enough. It still isn’t.
I may have a bit of an ego, and I may be an asshole sometimes, but don’t I have the right to be successful at something? All I ever wanted was happiness and security. I don’t require much to keep myself running, but what I have now is barely enough to get by. A normal job wouldn’t suit me well, and besides, I’ve already tried that more than once. I don’t care anymore about seeing my name in lights as much as I do knowing that I did something, that I was someone, and not a nobody like I am right now.
So I am reaching out to you. Please help me. I’m not asking for money, nor am I asking for a job, I just want some support, and help to get me started. I just want a chance, nay, I deserve a chance. I can more than prove this if need be.
Drop me a line: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from some of you soon.