The Anti-Narcissist aka Another Depressing Post
Dammit. God fucking dammit.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why do I make myself feel like such utter horseshit? Berate, punish, humiliate, denigrate, manipulate… Everything pointed at me. Me, me, me. It’s all I fuckin’ talk about anymore. And I fuckin’ hate myself. So every vile emotional spewing is always directed at the person causing all of it.
Just me, myself, and I. Me, me, me.
I’m the complete opposite of my incarcerated father. All he saw was good things in himself, and terrible things in others. All I see in myself are the terrible things, and I see all the good things in others. I wonder what that says about me? That I’m humble? Or that I care too much? I can’t tell. I just know it started back in High School, when things were so bad at home that I focused on other people’s worries, and they became my own. I’ve helped a lot of people, and I rarely, if ever, ask for help. I need it the most, but no one sees it because I don’t want them to know that I suffer. I don’t want others to suffer as I have. I don’t want them to go through what I went through.
I tell people what they don’t want to hear, or I sugarcoat what I’m saying enough so that they’re willing to swallow it. I offer advice, but it’s on you to take it. When something goes wrong, and they didn’t listen, it happens just as I predicted. It scares me sometimes because I am that smart that I can see past the things others can’t. But no one understands it. They just look at me with their mouths agape, like I’m speaking another fuckin’ language.
I have a hard shell, but I’m a big softy. I let people see only what I want them to see, which is always me, but it depends on how far I’m willing to pull the curtain back. I reveal a lot, so people don’t ask questions, but it allows me to keep my deep, dark secrets at bay. I don’t like holding on to them as much as anyone, but EVERYONE has them. EVERYONE.
Sure, I had a couple of beers before I wrote this, and maybe I’m being melodramatic (wouldn’t be the first time), but I’m just sick of feeling like I can’t say what I really want to say. That I’m so broken over the fact I haven’t been in a relationship, that I’m fat, that I hold on to such dark thoughts, that I feel like I’m imploding in on myself, that I’m alone 90% of the time but don’t want to be, that I’m afraid, that I’m getting sued, that I’m constantly living in fear…
I have stability, but it’s not the stability I want. It’s not the stability I crave. Why? I don’t know. When you’ve moved as many times as I did, you end up not wanting to stay in the same place for too long. It plays tricks on your mind. Makes you think all the wrong thoughts, and put yourself in all the wrong positions. It’s retarded psychological bullcrap, but it’s true.
So here I sit, alone, on my computer, click-clacking away on the keyboard, trying to tell people how I feel, but most of it falling on deaf ears. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. But I don’t know how to get myself out of here. I don’t know how to motivate myself.
I want to believe, but all I see is fantasy. Where is my reality?
Lamentations of a Disgruntled Youth
I’m not happy today.
I am feeling down on myself for the first time in a while, and I know what’s causing it.
I am lonely.
Even in this great position I’m in, all the successes I’ve had, all the people I’ve helped… I still feel like something is missing from my life. I KNOW something’s missing from my life.
I try to hang out with friends as much as possible, but this doesn’t work to meet my own ends.
I desire companionship, love, interest, and physical romance, the kind where I will just do what the other person wants without a thought for myself.
For a man, normally what they look for is sex, and undoubtedly, I am, but I want more. You could fling beautiful women my way, but if they don’t have that certain spark, it’s a waste of time.
Recently, a friend from years past deleted me from Facebook because of something I did. Though I accepted this, she took major offense. I hadn’t talked to her in years, but at one time, she was my best friend, and I was in love with her.
I had told her prior that I was, and I didn’t find out until later that she felt the same way for me. Until yesterday, I still did have some slight feelings for her. Sure, she had been out of my life for some time, but we grew up together, and we used to drive around all day looking for things to do. Those were fun and jaded times. Drugs got in the way.
Now, years later, I feel sad about my missed opportunities, but I realize that it was not meant to be. That being said, it still stings. We went our separate ways, and we have become two different people in a sea of billions.
I thought I could save her from her fate, but I failed, not because I didn’t try, but because it was too far gone. There was nothing left for me to do, and it lead to the worst night of my life.
Though I wished for it not to end this way, I cannot help but feel a sense of closure. That chapter of my life is now over, and what lies ahead is the future, my future.
I guess if I keep working hard, and do what I do, love will find me.
I hope it does soon.
A Very Personal Blog Post
Before I share something personal that I wrote, I want to make it clear that the opinions represented in this article are mine and mine alone, and have no bearing on anyone else. I wrote this as a coping method of dealing with the current issues I am having in my personal life, and this should NOT be taken is anything more than my opinion. The reason why I say this is because it deals with my Dad, and despite what I say about him, he’s really a great person overall, and this should not effect your opinion of him in any way, shape or form. This was written by me, FOR me, not for him, and not for anyone else. I am liable, and I am willing to accept the consequences if and when he sees this. I need to publish this. This is important to me.
Author’s note: This was originally written in my notebook, and I’m keeping it in it’s original form because of the flow it has to it.
I’m writing this in my notebook in order to figure out who I really am. Why? I have no clue, but with the combo of Red Bull, Depression, and everyone in my life, I’m filled to the brim with conflicted feelings, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m a little nutty, but you be too if you had the same situations happen to you for 7 years. I’m tortured by my constant feelings of self-loathing, and my endurance is constantly tested. I’m always trying to prove myself to everyone, just so I can feel some sense of self-worth. I don’t know how good I am at anything because I’ve never really received any compliments that meant something to me.
Let me explain: my father is a control freak, and a workaholic. He was always more concerned about making ends meet for us than actually spending time with us. He’s a genius, but also a corrupt bastard, a fraud, and an overly ambitious individual. I always had the belief that his ambition outweighed his abilities, and I’m pretty sure I’m right. Not only that, his business partners always seem to have a screw loose, and he is too trusting of them.
He is also incredibly impulsive, and doesn’t take time to weigh his options and the potential consequences. It blinds him, and he’s made poor choices because of this. I would have never dared telling him how I felt in the past, as his anger is comparable to a volcanic eruption. Now that I am older however, I see the man for who he is, and I don’t much like it. Our opinions vary, as he is more conservative, and I am more of a liberal, but I have never really felt like he respected me.
I’ve wanted to crucify him in writing for years, and now that I have a real chance to do it, I don’t want to. I feel it’s because it’s out of love, but what it’s really about is whom I am today. You see, he’s ruined my life, made me feel like I’m less than human, controlled everything I’ve done for the last 22 years, and embarrassed me at every turn, and I’ve rebelled. It is through this need to want my life that I have gained a valuable skill: Self-reliance. Because the situations I’ve been put in have been so terrible, and promises have been broken, I’ve had to learn to be independent. Through that independence, I have been able to explore myself, and find out what life was all about.
He put so much emphasis on my Asberger’s growing up that the need to prove I am in control became imperative. He always introduce me as someone with Asberger’s, therefore handicapping me before I even got a chance to open my mouth. This also instilled a feeling, a need to prove myself constantly, to overcome this obstacle he placed in my path. I feel to this day that people still don’t take me seriously because of my so-called “learning disability”.
It’s taken me years to get over most of this torment he unknowingly caused, and the anguish has been unbearable. Now that’s he;s going to be gone for a while, I have time to keep searching for my path. I’m currently unemployed, live with a roommate, and I’m just struggling to survive. Hopefully things will change rapidly, but who knows what will happen.
So here we are, at the present. I realize that my Dad is just an incredibly misguided man, and that he was only trying to do his best with what he had. At times, it was good. He was great when I was a child, but bitterness set in as I got older. He was around physically, but not emotionally.
Though I cannot forgive most of the mistakes he has made, I do have to thank him. Because of those mistake, and the constant struggle I’ve had, it’s made me stronger than I ever thought possible. It’s made me who I am today, and I’m definitely happy about that.
What I want him to know is that I love him, and the journey he is making will be tough, but also a necessary one. Personal growth is key, and it is the best advice to give. Never stop looking for who you are.
I know I won’t.