You are all depraved monkeys
People fucking annoy the fuck out of me.
It’s most likely because I’ve never thought in normal terms, not because of the drugs, but because of something else.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome which is a form of Autism. I was diagnosed right after 9/11, after my 13th birthday. Granted, I knew I was different, but once I knew I was an Aspie, things changed a lot.
It’s taken me years to forget the foolish, strange things I did back in my youth because back then, I couldn’t talk to anyone. I used to blurt out whatever conversation I was having with myself in my head. I didn’t think it was weird because it felt natural, but I soon felt alone, and in a small school, I had a lot of trouble making friends.
I have finally reached a place of peace between my social skills and my complacency. I often have my stranger periods, but I believe that my personality can overcome any weakness I may have at certain moments.
The only thing I wish is that I knew how to date women. I’ve had tons of female friends, and I love a lot of them, but I wish that someone could prove to be special enough for me to care. Alas, my hopeless romanticism is not something that most would admire, lest I tell the truth the way I see it.
So I am forever locked in a cycle of the chaos within my mind, and the perceived madness in being. I only wish someone could show me the way.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole…
Despite my (mostly) pure intentions, I sometimes come off the wrong way with people. Most of the time, it’s on purpose, but the other times, it’s just my social cue issues.
My therapist asked me a few weeks ago why I tell people I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I replied that I didn’t know. To be honest, I still don’t have a clear answer, but I can boil it down to a few things;
Firstly, I think it’s because my father used to introduce me with it ALL THE TIME. It’s like a handicap before I even meet someone. For example, imagine that a friend of yours told someone they were about to introduce you to that you were retarded. Imagine what fun you would have trying to prove otherwise. It was psychologically implanted in my brain from a young age, and it has been very difficult to remove it.
Secondly, Usually if I myself tell someone, it’s because I feel comfortable enough to do so. Most people’s reactions to the fact I have Asperger’s is quite positive as most don’t even know what it is, and they really can’t tell I have anything wrong with me. I suppose it’s trying to prove that I am not a label, that I am not controlled by my learning disability. It took me many, many years of hard work, therapy, soul-searching, and understanding to come to my current state. If you had met me 4 years ago, you would be meeting someone entirely different.
Finally, I believe I do it out of trying to prove myself. I don’t ever like using it as an excuse EVER. It’s a pathetic one as well. In a way, I am trying to prove I am different from my father, but not only that, that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. My Asperger’s is just a fragment of my life when it all comes down to it. I’ve lived with the knowledge for near 10 years, and it’s made me realize that life is not so black and white.
When it comes down to it, I have my moments, but so does everyone else. A label is just a label, and if you just embrace yourself and understand yourself, you will discover what lies beneath the surface is more important than trying to categorize yourself. Granted, it took me a very long time to understand this, and of course I have my regrets about things, but at the end of the day, pushing forward is all we can do.
Life only moves in one direction: Forward.