Revenge of the Giant Face
INT. HENRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
HENRY ABRAMS, a mildly overweight but handsome looking 23 year old, sits at his desk, writing a blog…
INSERT: HENRY’S HANDS TYPING AWAY
An example of how a screenplay is structured, and also an example of where my mind has been at.
I have never been more focused on my work than I have now. Socially, things are getting interesting as well. I still haven’t found anyone to rub my genitals or stimulate my mind, but I can’t say that thought is bogging my down like it once was. I have too much on my plate, and Daddy’s hungry for more!
Currently, I’ve been writing, producing, and getting ready to start taking my directing classes. Needless to say, I am excited, confident, and I feel more prepared than I would have been last year. Things are constantly shifting as always, but now the shifts are more noticeable, and smaller. My confidence is the highest it’s been ever, but not to the excess of cockiness. I have people around me to keep my grounded, and people who actually give a damn.
Sure, I don’t visit with others as often as I’d like to, but bonding through mutual love of Entertainment and Media has only served as a positive, and is helping people to see who I really am.
For the first time ever, I can honestly say that I like who I am. That is an achievement for me. For those that know me, they know that I am oversensitive and incredibly self-conscious, watching every move I make, and analyzing as situations develop. But I am starting to lower my stress levels regarding my psychological state. I just try to be me, 24/7, 365. Stress in my workload is, of course, different, but not as it once was. I can handle whatever is thrown at me, and I adapt. I always appreciate a challenge, and if I fail, it’s a learning experiment.
Such astuteness can only benefit myself in the future, but it depends on the cost of what I may or may not accomplish. I have to be uncompromising in my vision, while still being able to accept criticism and use it to develop moving forward. I worry that sometimes that maybe I am too far gone from what I had intended, but something happens to shift me back and realize that things are not as bad as I had thought.
I see the true shift in mentality on the horizon, the one that will define me, and what I hope to achieve with my life. I finally have a clear vantage point to level the actions taken versus what others expect. Things are good.
I will be posting up 2 links towards the end of the month, “Scrambled Love”, in which I acted, and “Flamingo Rhapsody”, which I produced. I am very proud of the work I did on both projects, and I hope that you will be too.
I am being embraced by my community, my friends, and it feels good.
Everyday I’m Strugglin’…
I’m in a weird place right now. I feel emotionless, but full of emotions. I don’t know where I’m going, where I’m heading, and I don’t rightly care. I’m growing, but I’m losing parts of myself.
I don’t know what’s going on with me, but that is not to say I have lost hope. Maybe I have reached a certain point of my Zen practices where I am just in the moment, living according to whatever is in store. Maybe I’m not taking the initiative, not putting myself out there, talking to people, enjoying time away from my solitude. Maybe I’m just at a loss for words, a temporary dike within the river of my mind.
Whatever the case may be, I guess I can only sit and see how things shall progress. My consciousness and subconsciousness are intertwined, and I am unsure how this will bode, but I, as always, must keep pushing forward.
I repeat myself a lot, especially when it comes to these blogs I write, but sometimes I just cannot think of more to talk about. I cannot breathe the clear air of relief into my lungs of palatable despair. I do not intend to distress, or make it enjoyable for consumption, I just accentuate the stories as I see it. Everything I say is the truth as I see it, and if I have certain falsities, I would be doing injustice to myself. I admit that I am wrong at times, but on my emotions, and my life, I stand steadfast.
The biggest theme I’ve ever had in my life is Isolation. It is a constant that has remained for many years, but I have been unsuccessful in reaching out as I had originally hoped, lashing out, and making myself seem like a crazy person, a fraud to my psyche, a false self that was developed in conjunction with my psychological state for many years, and my emotionally distant estranged father fueling the flames.
I am no angel. I gave up at points, wondering if I would ever reach a state of understanding, or if I was just sopping up a bunch of shit with paper towels. I’m not proud of the stupid decisions that have made me who I am. The enemies I’ve made, the friends I’ve lost or squandered away due to my own negligence… I was young and foolish, and I’m STILL young and foolish. I am not a fool per se, but if decisions determine the man, then I am one.
I really wish I didn’t have to feel so alone in this. I wish I had someone I could talk to other than just my therapists, or my friends. Ironic since I am putting this up on a public blog, available to all that wish to read it. I just wish I could know that everything will be as good as I hope, or if my fear of failure will consume my very being. I am a hopeless romantic in the pursuit of what I wish to attain, and it shows, be that women, film, or otherwise.
For now, things are like this, and though I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I progress further into the dark. I can only hope I’m not walking in circles.
Waltz of Darkness
I’m in a good mood. Scratch that. I’m in a GREAT fucking mood.
Why? Well, I think it’s because I stopped giving a fuck about things out of my control and just started realizing how awesome everything is. I feel like I’m finally awake, aligned, and at peace. Everything is so damn stable, even the conflicts! Bizarre considering how things were just one year ago…
Anyhoo, the Henry of then is not the Henry of now, and that’s just how it goes. Shit changes, whether we like it or not. But the ‘New’ me? Oh, he’s a keeper.
Maybe it’s the Luck of the Year of the Dragon, which is my Chinese Zodiac. It only comes around every 12 years or so. Despite some hiccups, I am learning so much about how I need to tackle situations, and I finally feel like I’m growing up. Well… maybe my priorities are changing.
I can’t say that’s a bad thing though.
I guess I just needed to realize that this is who I am, and I have to live it with him. He’s not a terrible guy, he just had a rough time early on. But he’s different now, and not bad different, just different. He changes all the time… But he’s learned to be compassionate with himself, and that is a quality worth keeping.
Loneliness is a pain in the ass, man. Seriously.
I’m in a really good spot overall right now, but as always, that one element is missing. The one I’ve bitched and moaned about, the one that never seems to come my way, etc., etc.
Well fuck that.
I’m not gonna sit here any longer and complain about how I can’t get a kiss, get a girlfriend, get laid, all that shit. I’m done. I’m just done.
Sure, it’s still on my mind, but I realize that as much as I want it, I have bigger fish to fry. I have quality to my life, and I have friends who care about my well being.
With Valentine’s Day coming up (and no Valentine of course), I feel the need to not give a fuck what happens next. I’m curious, but I am also indifferent. I just want to get from point A to point B without too much issue in between.
My focus is starting to change, and my heart is growing colder. I am NOT going to change into a jerk or anything, it’s just a more fractured viewpoint, a more… carnivorous (?) version of myself. I need to assert myself more, come out of my shell, but temper that with less emotional outbursts, and less information.
I am finding out that the less people know, the better, if only because it gives an air of mystery. Mystery is what keeps people coming back. If they know everything all at once, they cannot accept it, and they get overloaded. This was my past folly, but no longer.
As I said in my previous post, I am not changing the dynamics of my blog, as this issue more pertains to my personal life outside of the internet. The main thing is that I am changing… Changing as I see fit to change, and doing things with a sense of greater understanding for the universe.
At a loss for words…
ERROR: DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I have never felt more neutral, and understated in all my life. I don’t necessarily feel depressed. My mood is actually pretty great, but I feel as though I am a ghost wandering around, looking for a reason to exist.
Granted, I have plenty of reasons, but the strange feeling remains.
I’m not here really, I feel kind of surreal, almost out of body. It is though there is no danger to sense, and I cannot feel my self-destruction. I’m just kind of floating around, trying to find solutions in a sea of nothing.
Try as they might, my friends and family cannot seem to pull me out of this strange place. I feel stuck in time. Stagnant, but present, like I’m letting go of everything and just embracing the moment. Though I have a significant amount of knowledge, I am unsure where my path is leading me, and but I am more curious than fearful.
Sure, things kind of fell apart a little bit. The stuff with the girl… It just didn’t work out. I woke up feeling as though I did not care if I was to see her again, nor did I care if our “relationship” would continue. It wasn’t really anything to begin with. A ruse perhaps, to keep my distracted from tasks that require my attention. I am much more interested in building up myself right now, for my confidence has never been higher, but things have never been foggier.
Maybe I’m looking for answers in the wrong places, when I should just trust my instincts, and as per usual, go with the flow. But something… Something is driving me forward. This feeling, bizarre as it seems, is actually making me feel quite secure. I think people are finally seeing me in a different, more reserved light, as opposed to my manic, hysterical side. Sure, melodrama comes with the territory, but I’d be denying myself if I did not say that stories are better told with flair. It’s not necessarily lying, it’s just telling most of the truth, but keeping enough for myself to ponder alone.
I have shared so much with all of you, and though I will continue to, there as some things better left untold.
Point is, though I am not clear-minded, I feel at peace… I feel like I can handle everything with the courtesy and grace, precision and intellect, valor and courage that I possess within.
I do not fear what comes next, I only hope it is good news.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
Wow, what an epic week.
I had so much great stuff happen to me, I can’t even think!
Let me break it down;
So I started the week relatively keen on things going forward, not knowing if it was all going to work out, but towards the end, it just got better and better.
You see, I’ve been talking with this girl for a little while, who I will not name, and I finally got the balls to take a chance and ask her out. We’d been flirting a lot in Text messages, talking on the phone, and Facebook, so I knew it was heading in a good direction, but I was still kind of unsure whether she had any kind of attraction to me. In fact, I actually didn’t know how I felt about her either, but something drove me forward… There was something about her I couldn’t put my finger on. I got this weird feeling when I was around her, not necessarily love, infatuation, or anything like that, just kind of a neutral feeling. It intrigued me, and still intrigues me, hence the main reason why I pursued it. She’s very pretty, but that’s besides the point. I like talking to her. You have NO IDEA how important that is to me. Someone that can not only keep up, but has just as much to say as I do, if not more. I never feel bored when I’m talking to her, like I know exactly what I want, or need to say at anytime. Being comfortable with someone I barely know is often rare for me since I was backstabbed so many times by people in the past, but I know she isn’t like that.
So anyway, the week continued forward as usual, with me getting a bit busy, and then un-busy. It was quite normal. Wednesday was really good, having impressed my teachers and peers with my knowledge of cinema, and my work ethic to do the best I possibly can. As you all know, I take it very seriously, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t also like to have fun. I care about the cinematic art, but I’m not stuck up towards other people’s opinions. Everyone likes different kinds of movies, and I pride myself in trying to watch as much as I can. I hate bad movies, sure, but some bad movies are particularly great because they show exactly what NOT to do when making a film. One person may enjoy visuals more than storytelling, and vice versa, while another one is only concerned with the music… In the end, it’s all up to interpretation, and that’s why I love movies so much. I want to do things my way, and I want to inspire as I have been inspired. I’m not about making money, though money is obviously important. If I do something, it’s because I WANT to do it. I’m learning that at the end of the day, you have to take in some opinions and criticism, and learn to be self-critical if you want to make it in this business.
Anyway, so Thursday rolls around, and I get up later than usual. Granted, my classes this quarter are mostly at night time, but I’ve been trying to keep on an even keel with my dieting and sleep habits in order to stabilize my system. I ate a protein bar, drank some Emergen-C, and hopped in the shower. Not 10 minutes after I get out of the shower, the girl calls me, asking me a question! She has 2 snakes, including a baby one, and she wanted to know what kind of mouse she needed to get. We talked for a little bit, and I had to cross-reference online to make sure I was right (which I was), and then the conversation was over. As usual, I started to overthink how it ended, with the typical ‘Time-to-beat-yourself-up-about-something-that-doesn’t-matter’ spiel as I was preparing for class. Not 20 minutes later, she texts me and we talk again. I was really happy to hear from her obviously, but she made me legitimately laugh too, and that really solidified that she enjoyed talking to me, as much as I her.
Later on that night, like 1am, I got a Facebook message from a friend of mine, a Directing major at the school. He asked “Are you good at writing Horror?”, to which I replied, “I’ve never done it, but I’m willing to try.” We talked for a little bit, and he asked me if I would touch up the script for the project he’s about to go into production on. I was so shocked, humbled, and flattered, as I have never been given an opportunity to actually write something that is being MADE other than stuff I’ve written myself. I already have ideas, though I haven’t necessarily gotten started(I’m starting tonight), but I am SO excited. I’m not too nervous because the director and I see eye to eye, and I know what’s important to a good story. I have full confidence that I will deliver on what he asks, as I do not want to mess with a good thing.
Friday was awesome. I got ready for my date with the girl, as I was not sure what time it was going to be at. I feel that planning a day is better than planning a specific time or place because spontaneity is something I really enjoy rather than worrying about what I’m going to be doing. I’m always up to try new things, and go new places, so when people hit me up, I don’t try to have a plan. I called her, and she said she wanted to go get some pancakes(despite it being close to 3pm), so off we went to the local IHOP. Though we ate, we talked more than anything, and I savored every moment of it. It felt like we talked forever, and about numerous things. Experiences, life, things we liked about ourselves, things we didn’t like about ourselves. I learned so much about her, and it only made me want to know even more! We only saw each other for an hour or two, but it was more than enough. It only assured me that I really, REALLY liked talking to this girl, and I was more than content in just doing that. Sure, we have many opposites, but there are key things we have in common that really drive it forward. Even with all this being said, I’m not going to force anything at this point. The slower, the better. I’m learning about her, and she’s learning about me. Like I’ve said, I really like talking to her, and that is so BEYOND important, you have no idea.
Last night was cool too, though it had a rough start. I went to this part for a friend of mine which ended up mostly being a bunch of drunk, rowdy, horny teenagers in a furnace. I’m not a fan of the typical High School House Parties. I like a more casual, laid back atmosphere where, yes, you can have a lot of people, but there aren’t as many hormones going around. At one point, a guy came up to me wielding a very sharp knife, pointing it directly at my stomach in a drunken haze. I did not panic, but it was a little frightening nonetheless. Needless to say, after they played N***as in Paris twice in a row, then stopping the music entirely, I was done with it.
I left after about an hour or so, having decided to join my friends for a pseudo-after party. THAT was fun. I love talking to my friends, as they are all really interesting, cool people. I felt like it was the first time they got to see me in a way that I was not only comfortable with, but I was happy about. Sure, it was small, and there wasn’t too much going on, but that’s what made it so great. You don’t need a big party for a party to be fantastic, it’s the quality of people that makes it so great, and my friends are of very high caliber and quality, let me assure you.
After playing a few games of ‘Pass the Popcorn’, it was late, and I decided to head back home. I walked back with my two friends (who are a couple and are AWESOME), and one of them suggested we should drive through Del Taco. Needless to say, at 3am with a little alcohol in my belly, I was more than game. I suggested we get the Fiesta Pack, which they had never tried before, and so we did. Car rides are so fun when you have people with you that have such great, varying, and interesting opinions, and after ordering the food, we were all really happy.
We got back, ate about a 1lb and a half each, and called it a night. Yesterday was great, as everything seemed to just click after a certain point.
So here I am, typing this, drinking a Monster, and telling you about how great things are for me right now. I have honestly been fighting back tears for the past few days because I feel like everything is just getting so much better, and so much more stable than ever before. I don’t know if I’m bringing it into my life, but I have not been this legitimately happy for years. I feel so blessed that things are going so well, and I cherish it because I know it could change at any time. I haven’t let my guard down, but I am pumping the brakes, and it’s definitely adding more quality to my life.
I personally want to thank you all for reading my posts as well. Without your support, I would have not had the courage to really say what I feel on here without being ridiculed. You have no idea how much it means when I get a compliment, or a comment, or even a like! It only makes me want to keep doing what I’m doing, and not worry so much. In fact, I think that’s what’s happening.
I’m okay, how are you?
So shit is going well for me these days. Things are quiet, but things are changing for the better. I would go into more detail, but there’s a fine line between what I CAN say, and what I WANT to say. I’m learning this now, more and more.
It’s not that I still don’t think people should say what they want to say. I mean, shit, I love freedom of speech. I use it every day to express myself, and to share my misadventures with all of you people out there. I’m glad I can live in a world where I can say Shittyfucktardballscunt and not feel bad about saying it!
With SOPA dead, I still fear that there will be more to come, sooner than we think. The fact that so many people cried foul so openly, the government had to relent… It’s amazing. The battle is won, but the War for the Internet has only just begun.
Knowledge is power. Educate yourself, even if you don’t like what you find. I personally hate politics, but I could talk most politicians under the table, and it’s because I’m willing to say what I think, and have the means to back it up. In this new dawn, we must fight to stay alive.
Anyway, I’m here and now, like I always am, but I am changing with the times. I am becoming weary of some of my lifestyle choices, I am evolving beyond some things, and opening new doors to possibility. I believe I am finding the path and confidence after such a long battle. It is too early to tell, but I have much hope for the future.
The Winds arise again… Will I live up to the challenge?
Running from something I can’t escape
I can’t escape it. That feeling… That insecurity… That chalice of foul brevity… That depression and sadness within…
I wish not to embrace it, but I also cannot understand it. I wish my mind was not so foggy as it is now. Lately, I feel I have grown colder in my personality. More angry, and more unwilling. I don’t know what it is that’s creating this distinction, but it’s driving me crazy.
Is it those feelings? Or is it because I keep reminding myself of the mistakes I’ve made? Is it because I torture myself by not saying what I TRULY feel for fear that I will be ridiculed and berated? Maybe I’m over-thinking things?
I’m probably not looking at all the good, but I have not been one to tarry on such happiness for long. I am a constant moving target. I am afraid. But am I guided by this negativity like my father before me? Am I in danger of following the same path with different circumstances? I do not know.
I can’t tell if things are getting better or getting worse. They just seem kind of bland. Conflict drives me, negative or positive, I look forward to facing challenges. I am a glutton for punishment I do not deserve. I reap the benefits of experience while still being a young man. I am utterly lost in a haze…
The things I strive for seem dull in these gray days. I wonder what the days ahead will bring, as only hope is what keeps me intact at this moment.
So onward I go, riding the lightning, hoping for a time of serendipity to come my way, and show me what I have been missing in my life. How soon, or how late that will come is uncertain as always, but only time will tell.
Crown of Thorns
I am fucking depressed.
It’s not because I have too much going on right now, or too little. I’m just in a (legitimately) sick, and lethargic state.
My mind is a blur of sadness…
Let’s start at the beginning;
I’ve been sick since Saturday, but the cold has only gotten worse since then, with the peak being today. My dreams were of my Father, and his side of the family. A nightmarish group of individuals who only seem to care about themselves.
I remember lying in a room not dissimilar to my living room with my old dogs, and looking out at the night through the window near me. The cityscape was strange, ethereal, with lights cutting through the streets in the darkness. I heard my grandmother calling out to me, trying to find me, and my fear creeping up on me. I kept completely quiet and still as I heard the group travel up and down a set of concrete stairs outside the door. It began to open on it’s own, and no matter how hard I pushed, it continued to open. I laid back down on the couch, trying to hide from them, but alas, the door swung open, and I was cornered.
My Grandmother called out to me, asked me why I had not called, why I had not kept in contact with her, feeding me lies and guilt that overwhelmed my very being as my extended family looked on with cold, unrelenting eyes. I tried to respond, but I could not come up with the right words to explain my position. The guilt was too great, and my mind too shattered.
I woke up with blood in my mucus, my nose stuffed up, and a general ill feeling. I cleared out my pipes, then walked into my kitchen to make some medicine. I turn on the light, and BAM! It shorts out. Aggravating to say the least.
I looked at the box of Theraflu and realized that it would not be enough to circumvent my symptoms, which were worse than before. “Fuck!” I shouted as I threw the box back onto the counter.
I called my mother to inform her of my plight, but the conversation became about how I didn’t have insurance, and how it wasn’t her responsibility to help me with finding insurance due to my age(though I had asked her many, MANY times to help me prior). It soon degraded to nagging until I just exploded on her. The foul feelings within appearing only briefly, then subsiding as the exchange came to a close.
I got dressed, and jumped in my car. I felt like I couldn’t hear anything as I traveled to the pharmacy down the street.
The past few hours have been quiet once again, but all too quiet for my taste. The medicine helps, but it does not help my psychological state. I feel mindraped, lost, uncomposed… Like a living illusion. A ghost. An apparition.
I suppose that watching Ancient Discoveries about Torture Devices cannot have helped, but I do not think it hurt either. I feel… alone. Like I don’t exist.
I have dealt with this many times before, but recently this emotion has come into play more in this new year than ever. Some of my friends, though very nice, seem to forget I’m around. I guess I can’t blame them, since I hardly make contact on my own terms. I don’t know why I just don’t talk to people because, if anything, all I want to do is talk. I talk to myself all the time. I live within my own mind, having conversations with myself to determine which course of action would better suit me, and which would make me appear to be something I’m not. The only thing I’m trying to be is me, but sometimes, even that backfires.
I can’t say I blame anyone for feeling weird about me, for not feeling trusting, or understanding. It’s hard to understand someone who is completely aware of themselves. It’s frightening. Also, due to my extensive life experience in such a short time, it is intimidating. People are worried I’ll go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds or less, and yes, I do have my moments, but I’m trying to get better. I’m always trying to get better.
I suppose that this is just a phase, a passing glance of something that may or may not be. I have no ideas, I just have the constant of moving forward.
My Dad wants to talk to me from inside the slammer. I don’t want to talk to him just yet.
He contacted my poor mother having read that most recent NY Times article about Asperger’s Syndrome. Therein lies the problem. He’s focusing on the negative, something I’m not necessarily trying to hide, but something I deal with on a regular basis, and choose to accept.
I have overcome my so-called “disability” due to willpower, though I still have a tremendous amount of trouble with it sometimes. I will always be first to admit that, but this is a-typical behavior for him. He always used to use my “illness” as an excuse for everything, telling everyone I met that I had it beforehand. He crippled me before I could even show people who I truly was, before they had an understanding of the man in the iron mask.
Point is, there is still unfinished business between he and I, but I am not thinking about it. I’m just trying to comprehend my existence, my talents and abilities, and my mental stature.
That’s all I want to do.