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Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs aka Dig ‘Em the Frog is my best friend
Been a long time.
Let’s get down to business, shall we?I have been at my school almost 2 years now, not stopping. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. Sometimes, I forget I’m alive, other days, I can’t feel more alive. It really depends on the mood, and some of the lighting.
I’ll be honest though, I’ve been tired for a while now. I haven’t stopped going to school, and have had almost no real breaks from any of my work. I love it here, and I’m happy, but the problem is that I have a crap ton of major work I have to do before I proceed to the next step. After finishing this quarter, I will have 3 quarters of classes I will have to take, on top of having to prepare my first real major endeavor; my Thesis project. I also have no idea what I want to write/direct for my Directing 2 class, AND I have to start writing my feature. I have a plan, you see, a plan to try and make myself stand out from the crowd, not that I don’t already. I just have to be keen on what I’m trying to make, because based on it, I could possibly get a REAL JOB directing a film. It has to be good though, REAL GOOD, and I don’t want to rush that.
I’m truly very tired. It’s not easy trying to coupe with all these different things going on in my head. I still don’t have a girlfriend, and I finally came out with that on Facebook. The response was that everyone already knew, which kind of made me feel like shit. I just felt like I was beating around the bush I guess. It’s not easy talking about stuff like that. Everyone asks me about it. Hell, the Gay Hairdresser who cut my hair today said, “We’ll get you a girlfriend.” It’s the last thing I want to think about, but one of the biggest things on my mind.I was driving a friend to Chinatown earlier, talking about this, and he said that myself being in a relationship, or finding validation in others, is not the key to happiness, and I totally agree. But my problem is that I have NO IDEA what being in a relationship is like. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I don’t think I’m looking for validation as much as I’m looking for confidence. I already follow the beat of my own drum, but in that department, I’m still having a lot of trouble. It’s really the only thing left as far as what I could want in my life right now. Alas, it is not meant to be, as I have tried, but I have failed, at least for the moment. I suppose my day will come sooner than later, but being almost 25 is a bitch. To me, it’s humiliating. I know that a lot of people have died not ever experiencing feelings for another, but I’m not one of those people.
Anyway, back to the main part of this: my break. I’m taking a quarter off this coming spring, a period of roughly 3 months or so, give or take. In this time, I plan on doing 3 separate things:
Get back on a diet, exercise, and lose weight
Write my scripts every day
Move out of my current apartment into new digs
The last one is particularly important because the place I live in now has turned into a real shithole since I moved here. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been more disgusted by its state than usual, and that’s saying something.
But yes, finally, I have accepted that I need to get my shit together, again. I guess everything happens in cycles, and that’s fine by me. I just wish that I could have gotten a kick in the ass sooner. Hopefully, my break will be the respite I need to keep on trekking.
I know y’all like my writing, but I think that I might take a break for a while with these types of posts. I’m probably going to stick more to funny/cool pictures with witty responses like I always do. That being said however, I do like to write, so I’m sure the occasional post will come up here and there.
Well, that’s all for now. I hope the New Year has been treating you well so far.
- H
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Jump off the end.
The water’s clear and innocent…
There’s not as much on my mind as I’d be willing to admit. I haven’t posted anything lately because… Well, when you don’t have anything to talk about, especially for someone like me, it’s hard to jump back into it.
I guess there are a few things that have been bugging me. Scratch that, there’s always something bugging me. It’s just a matter of how much.
First things first;
I think I’m in love with a girl who has a boyfriend. I’m not sure if I LOVE love her, but I find myself drawn to her, and I feel that she is drawn to me. This places a big conundrum on me because I have morals. I am not someone who wants to try and break something up, nor cause trouble or emotional damage, but in this case, I can’t help myself. There’s something about her. Sure, she’s gorgeous, but it’s who she is that I’m drawn to. The good looks are a bonus. Whenever we talk, I feel like we’re connected, and despite not being around her all too often, I feel like we are close, that I can open myself up to her, show her who I am, without fear of being judged or ridiculed. When I see her, I can’t help but feel good. I don’t know if she feels the way I do, but I sense that there is something between us besides being friends. I’m not the most handsome dude, but I think she doesn’t care, and that makes me feel more confident to be me. I don’t know what the next step is, but I plan on hanging out with her soon, one on one. Even if things don’t turn out as I hope, I still feel I’ll get a very close friend. For me, this is a win-win scenario.
I haven’t really thought about women nearly as much as I normally do. Maybe this a consequence of confidence, and wanting to be a better man for my sake, not anyone else’s.
Speaking of which; I have stopped smoking pot. This is a huge step for me because I have smoked myself to the point of oblivion this past year and a half, drowning out my sorrow in a cloud of haze. A few weeks back, I came to the realization that it was hurting me more than it was helping me, where as in the past, I was not as effected by it, but soon, the habit began to become an addiction. It was after visiting with a close friend of mine, and him saying I was an “asshole” when I was high that made the cogs start to turn in my head, to bring myself back from the brink, and to rebuild myself. The last 4 days have been spent entirely on change for me. I got a haircut, I cleaned my apartment, and I began reading again. I have lived with this for too long, and at some point, I would have fallen apart, but it would have been my own doing, not that of anyone else. I am willing to admit that the self-medication masked the pain, but it could not hide it. The only way I’m going to feel better is if I’m not predicated to living by the ebbs and flows of a plant. I love it still, but I will not sacrifice myself, or my future, or any of my relationships for it. This is where the boy becomes a man. This doesn’t mean I won’t do it in the future, but it will be way less frequent. With my prescription being up, I currently have no real way to get it legally anyway, so I have forced myself into a corner with this issue. Like I said before, I did this for me, not anyone else. I wanted this. I saw that my self-destructive behavior would destroy me if I did not resist. I won’t give in.
Turning 24 helped me realize how fucking dumb I’ve acted… The misery I’ve caused myself, the loneliness, the ostracization…
No, I will not turn in on myself anymore. If I want to fix something, I have to do it. I can’t just wait for it to come my way. I had to learn this on my own.
Whether it be fate, destiny, or otherwise, something within me is telling me to quit while I’m ahead. I cannot rest on my laurels any longer, living in the dark. I must rise, much like Batman, and I must become the man I wanted to be for so long. I must take it for myself.
I’m not afraid anymore.
- H
Team Headband no longer.
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Conduit
Loneliness is a pain in the ass, man. Seriously.
I’m in a really good spot overall right now, but as always, that one element is missing. The one I’ve bitched and moaned about, the one that never seems to come my way, etc., etc.
Well fuck that.
I’m not gonna sit here any longer and complain about how I can’t get a kiss, get a girlfriend, get laid, all that shit. I’m done. I’m just done.
Sure, it’s still on my mind, but I realize that as much as I want it, I have bigger fish to fry. I have quality to my life, and I have friends who care about my well being.
With Valentine’s Day coming up (and no Valentine of course), I feel the need to not give a fuck what happens next. I’m curious, but I am also indifferent. I just want to get from point A to point B without too much issue in between.
My focus is starting to change, and my heart is growing colder. I am NOT going to change into a jerk or anything, it’s just a more fractured viewpoint, a more… carnivorous (?) version of myself. I need to assert myself more, come out of my shell, but temper that with less emotional outbursts, and less information.
I am finding out that the less people know, the better, if only because it gives an air of mystery. Mystery is what keeps people coming back. If they know everything all at once, they cannot accept it, and they get overloaded. This was my past folly, but no longer.
As I said in my previous post, I am not changing the dynamics of my blog, as this issue more pertains to my personal life outside of the internet. The main thing is that I am changing… Changing as I see fit to change, and doing things with a sense of greater understanding for the universe.
Let’s begin.
- H
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On the Run
Busy, Busy, Busy.
My life has been filled with stuff to do lately! Whether it’s hanging out with friends, dealing with girl problems, procrastinating my homework till the night before, playing videogames, smoking weed…
But I digress.
Lately, I’ve been beginning to realize that people actually LIKE me as a person in general, which is really weird for me. Growing up, I was mostly told I was wrong about almost everything I thought, so my background is quite extraordinary and unusual. Even my therapist thinks so
So where do I stand? Well, I don’t hate myself as often. Sure, I loving torturing myself to the point of perfection because I set the bloody bar so high for myself. I end up holding in my emotions, and not being as straightforward as I’d like, if only to protect others.
But I’m learning.
Like all things, life in general is a constant learning process. Just when you think you know something inside and out, you discover something maybe you didn’t know with a second look. I know that’s happened to me on so many occasions it’s hard to count.
I like being a good friend to others, but sometimes I really must say no. In my life, I’m numero uno, even if I don’t feel like I am. I don’t want to sound like a pretentious ass, but it’s actually true. After years of dealing with my own personal hell, I ended up putting my focus on others over myself in numerous instances. I care too much, but it’s better than having a cold heart.
In effect, the winds are shifting once again. This year was more setting up the eventuality, next year will be all about reaping the benefits. If the world really does end on December 21, 2012(and it probably won’t), I guess I have some living to do.
- H
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One Year Later…
To begin, for those of you that don’t know, my Dad is a crooked cocksucker of a man. He lied to, cheated, and ruined everything my family had. Though he is not the sole person responsible for the agony, his decisions were the ones that lead to the downfall and ultimate collapse of my family structure, and in part why I act the way I do.
3 days ago, Oct. 29th, marked the 1 year anniversary of his incarceration. I have not spoken to my father once, other than through my 2 letters(both of which are on here), and I intend not to keep any line of communication open.
My mother told me last week that she thought I should keep just a crack open, and to let the possibility of reconciliation be an option, as doubtful as that was. She has changed, my sister has changed, and I know that I have changed.
I’m in college, I have my own apartment, I have lots of friends, a pretty decent social life, weed, solitude, and satisfaction. I’m in a reasonable position, the most reasonable I’ve been in in years. It was all sparked after a massive depression and reevaluation of my affairs. I lost almost 3 years of my life waiting on something that I knew would never happen, and I have completely turned it around. I am so humbled by the fact I am going to school, that I am building a future for myself, that I will, in fact, have the possibility of accomplishing my goals.
I ask for very little when it all comes down to it. I am a simple man with a deep thought process. It does not take a lot to make me happy, and the joy that just being around people brings me is enormous. I will say that I do have trouble with isolation, and I know I always will, but at least I am well aware of it.
My self-awareness has never been better. I recognize the world, see the beauty which exists within it, even in the stagnant moments. I was so depressed until I saw the light, and the change began. There’s still a lot to address underneath the surface, but I feel as though my father is fading into distant memory, and that’s not so bad.
The constant, endless march of time continues. It erases the landscape, rebuilds, and the process repeats. This moment in time will forever remain, but will the emotions be forgotten?
- H
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Shopping Bag
I’ve been watching the 1st season of Breaking Bad for the past few days and I’m shocked I didn’t watch it before. I really have a hard time finding time to watch full blown TV shows unless they’re really worth my time, but I have to tell you, after watching 7 straight episodes, this show is good beyond words.
It’s seductive nature and intense story really make it special. If you haven’t started watching it, you should. It’s first 3 seasons are currently on the Netflix Instant Queue.
Anyway, other than that, things are looking up. The women in my life actually seem to be noticing me for once now that I got burned. I’m learning to change my attitude towards how I approach the situations when they arise. It’s funny, I’m really taking the advice I’ve been given and using it to my advantage. I can’t help but be smart in unfamiliar territory and learn from someone who’s been through it. I can thank my friend for that.
My shoulder is killing me. Dunno if it’s just my back or whatever, but I must have slept on it funny. I’m gonna rest this weekend. No need to rush.
- H
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Madrigal Mystery Tour
I am on a journey to the center of my being.
Things are changing, my thoughts are changing, and people’s understanding of me is changing. I play hard, but I work harder. I have a constant gameface, and I’m always prepared at a moment’s notice. I am becoming more and more the man I hoped I would be one day.
That’s not to say I’ve peaked, but I’m just starting to hatch out of my cocoon. I’ll be a butterfly soon, and then nothing will stop me.
I don’t know what’s truly brought upon this great feeling of happiness as only a few weeks ago, I was in such an enormous rut. Now I feel like the world is at my fingertips.
This morning, I checked my grades for this past summer and was utterly shocked. I got 2 A-s and a B+ when I expected maybe 2 Bs and a C. Not only did I exceed my expectations, I surpassed them beyond what I had hoped. My Mom said it was because I’m where I need to be right now, and this was meant to be, but I am still shocked by this seemingly indelible set of circumstances.
My ego is not eased by this as I still have a long road ahead. As I wrote on Facebook, “I would pat myself on the back, but I’d rather just keep doing the best I can.”
No time like the present.
- H
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Take a walk on the Wild Side
Hello peeps,
So I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck I’m going to do. I really don’t know. I’m lost in the moment. Time is a blur.
I wish I could say I knew what direction I’m going in, and I’m not talking about school, I’m talking about LIFE.
These have been the best 4 months I’ve had in years. I’m having fun, I’m meeting new people, I have friends, I’m more spontaneous… Things just get hectic.
The identity crisis is still happening, but now it’s starting to focus down into something more refined. The goal, it seems, is at a distance, but it is coming into frame. The image is turning from a blur into something tangible. Something real.
I don’t know what my next step is. It’s probably that I shouldn’t take one. Maybe this will come to me if I stop taking action for a little while. That doesn’t mean that I won’t be doing something with myself, it just means letting go of a habit.
Frankly, I don’t have any habits that get in the way, other than procrastination of course, but that’s not really something that gets in the way either. This air of unsure understanding is fascinating to me.
I’m speeding down the highway, moving fast, and nothing’s slowing me down.
- H
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I-dentity Crisis!
I’m in the middle of one.
For the past several weeks, I haven’t been feeling like myself. I’ve been… off-kilter. I’m probably the most satisfied I’ve ever been with my life, the least stressed out, the busiest, the highest, and the most just plain out of it.
I have literally done everything and nothing.
I don’t feel focused, though I am getting As in my classes. I’m hanging out with friends more frequently, I’m watching more movies, and just living I guess. I haven’t even watched any of the new Entourage and Curb episodes!
I have been feeling better about myself, and yet still I don’t have the one thing I want the most: a girlfriend. Maybe I’m just bored of the same old nonsense. My major problems now deal with school more than anything, which is making the time go by much faster, and easier. I work hard and play harder.
I feel like a snake shedding it’s skin… Things are changing again, but this time it is internal. I am not the same, but I am not that different. I might have found my place, but now I have to find it mentally.
The great change in the winds is almost here. I sense it’s presence. I wonder what news it brings?
- H
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God, The Devil, and I
I am an anti-hero.
Naturally, by saying this, I am implying I am not all good, pure, or holy. I am actually none of these things, though I preach of Love and Respect for one another. I am not perfect. If I was, I would have no depth, no personality, nor would I be able to express my feelings toward you all.
I would be a nameless, faceless object. Nothing.
When I say Anti-Hero, I mean that I have the capacity to BE a Hero, but I have things holding me back from greatness, or I must make a change in order to embrace it completely without bias. But I don’t want to be a Hero. I just want to be me.
I am usually completely Neutral, or overly Optimistic, even overly Pessimistic, but it is this complex chaos that creates my persona. On one hand, you may have me acting as someone I would admire, a man of truth and dignity, of ideals and full of morality. But then you have the dark side, the sleazy, mischievous, insane, cool, rage and lust filled canister of dynamite waiting to explode.
But having flaws and troubles is a part of living. Life is not a one way street. There are tough times, and there are good times. There are times we need a hug, and times where you just have to pull up your pants and get dirty. Fleeting moments of happiness may be what we get most of the time, and to be quite honest, that’s what makes it worth living. When you recognize that the world around you can be anything you want it to, that even things you thought were crazy become reality. Where the truth saves you and sets you free.
A long time ago, I tried to kill myself. Many years have passed since those times, and now things are different. I realize the hurt I would cause, and how selfish it was. I was crying out for help and none was delivered to me. I could only rely on myself to get through, I had to be a man. I had to travel to the dark place, the deepest part of my mind, and teach myself that life is about living, not worrying every moment about death following you around.
If we are not allowed to be ourselves, then what are we?
- H