Young White Overweight Male
So I feel like my project, despite my preparation and best efforts, was a bomb. I’m going to be taking a closer look at it tonight to try and salvage what I can, but unfortunately, it’s probably going to be garbage either way.
Why am I so easily admitting failure? Simple: Because it’s the truth.
I HATE the fact that what I shot is most likely shit, but at the end of the day, I have to accept the fact that it was my doing. That I lost faith in myself, even as I pressed on. It was a personal failure, as well as a professional one. Production problems aside, I was the one people had to put their trust in, and even though this was a school project, and my first time up at bat Directing, it was my fault it turned out the way it did.
I was so focused on getting it done… So focused on other things swirling around my head, that I forgot what I was doing, and I failed.
But I’m not crying over it. In fact, I’m kind of relieved it’s garbage. It was a better learning experience than anything for me, and it definitely taught me a few things for the future. I said to my friend yesterday, walking to school, “I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a director” to which he replied, “Why? Are you sure about that?” It reminded me that I’m learning… That it’s okay to fail, that failure in itself is the key to learning more about who you are as a person, and what you really want. Needless to say, despite his knowing of my stance, he was willing to lay down the fact that I shouldn’t be so hasty to judge myself, that my potential still exists, even if I’m not willing to look at it in the eye just yet.
I AM a Director. I know it in my heart. It’s what I want more than anything in the world, save for the love of a beautiful woman, but that’s besides the point. I cannot be deterred from my course just because I bit off more than I could chew. I forget that I’m still learning. I forget that I’m still learning to define who I am. I forget that my feelings of negativity stem from others, not myself, that they were implanted in my head from a young age, and are still effecting me, even at this very moment.
But I can’t forget my path. I can’t forget why I’m here, and what I want to make of myself. If I lose that, then I have truly failed.
My dreams are fraught with mixed emotions over conflicts of interest. Wanting something I feel I cannot have, but ultimately deserve. Feeling incomplete, but having a completeness in my thoughts and actions. Bringing myself down, when I should be bringing myself up.
My confidence is hard to gauge. I’m changing once again, and this time I feel it’s for the better. But will I learn to get over the past, and move on? To become the confident Dragon that burns within my soul? Or will I let it linger, festering within my character, letting it destroy me like an army of rampaging Orcs?
Only time will tell, but I know one thing for certain: I haven’t given up yet.