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Rot inside a corpsey shell…
I am pondering today. I am pondering about how I feel, about who I am, and about what I want. I tend to talk about all of these things constantly, but I never ask myself WHY I am the way I am.
I think inherently, most people do not try to look deeper than what’s on the surface because either they don’t care, or they don’t want to know. It’s easier to know someone by looking at them than talking to them, but if you make the effort to try, you just might be surprised.
I believe I am a perfect example of this philosophy. To my friends who know me outside of twitter, they see a dude that’s a little stranger than most. To everyone on the internet, I’m like some kind of superhero, people give me praise, and they like what I do. But which one of these is the truth?
I talk about Duality a lot, that each person has the element to do a good or bad deed based on the situation they are in, and they usually have to make a choice. It could be as small as picking Coke or Pepsi, or going to the mall instead of the movies. The biggest of these would be something like a Sophie’s Choice, where you must choose who lives and who dies. Most of the time we are not given much of a choice, but when we are, we usually go for what seems to be most comfortable for us.
I am not like this. I would rather challenge myself and take the harder route than make things easy on myself. Sure, I don’t like when things go badly, but that doesn’t mean I want to half-ass anything either. I work well under pressure, I always have, and I always will.
Anyway, my point is that there is always something deeper within us as people that made us who we are now, and who we will be in the future. If you’re going through a crisis of faith, you will find your path if you try. If you are thinking of suicide, think of life instead and live for today. If you can’t find love, you must think positive and it will find you. Think of all you’ve been through up until this point in your life and you will find what you seek.
You need to remember that people are just as scared of you as you are of them, so approach them with open arms instead of with shut eyes and closed mouths. Love, understand, and educate.
This is respect.
- H
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Perfection is for Morons and Other Rhetoric
Everyone has Darkness within them. Some just let it rise to the surface.
I tend to go over the top a lot, go the extra mile, do something people haven’t seen before. I play the fool to learn about people and how they react. I experiment, but mostly I try to understand. I am a hypocrite sometimes. I don’t lie, but I do one thing and I say another. It’s not a lie because it’s a common fact that we humans tend to do that a lot.
I’m a helpless romantic and a nut, a combo which does not lend itself well. I also say it like it is, and I’m brutal about it. I don’t like to bullshit, though I am a master bullshitter. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a walking paradox, like Schrodinger’s Cat in the box. I am alive, and I am dead.
I wonder if my emotions deviate from something more, for I know I am missing fragments of my memory, and maybe my own truth is a lie. But that’s the real question isn’t it? Are we all living in our own realities, or are we creating our reality as we go? Are fate and destiny real, or is it all just a coincidence?
I try so hard to be myself, but I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’ve lost a part of myself and I have to move on. I have an idea where I’m going now that I’m in school, but life seems to fall into dull routine, moving from one thing to the next, and just living. Maybe the quiet I so desperately wanted has become the thing I need to lack?
I had so much excitement in my life for many years, things that were awful happening every day, changes in attitudes, loss of respect and innocence… And yet these times are peaceful now, they are stable. I sought stability, but is it what I really wanted? Did I just want to be removed from one situation to be put into another?
What is a perfect life? What do we all search for in this life? Do we all want to be famous? Money? Knowledge? Maybe all we really want is to have some interesting experiences. Memories are all we have, but there are moments we choose to remember, and those we choose to forget. What makes one better over another? Is it the people we were with? Or was it just a moment of pure sadness or joy?
I fight against my demons on a daily basis. I am a grey mass. I am conflicted, yet not. I want a girlfriend, but I want to focus on my schooling. I need to eat better, but I love cheeseburgers. I need to sleep more, but I don’t have the time.
When it comes down to it, I am just like everyone else. I am not a special little snowflake. We all go through our own shit. We all have expectations. We all want one thing or the other. But what makes us different is what we want most.
I want two things in my life right now; I want to find a girlfriend, even if it isn’t serious, and I want to make something of myself. One may be closer than the other, but it is hard to say which.
I am not the physically dominant male, the master of his universe, a king among kings. I am just me, and my universe is contained to these two things. They are my driving forces at the moment. At different times in my life, priorities change, for these wants may change some day, but for now they remain the same.
“Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
- H
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The Battle: A Short Story
The Battle: A short story by Henry Abrams
The air cooled around the two warriors as they stared each other down, neither of them yielding to the other. One, draped in shadowy black flames, eyes sanguine as a pool of spilled blood, the other, covered so brightly in white cloth, eyes blackened, filled with determination. The dark one sneered at his opponent, seeming to cackle under his breath. The light one frowned with a look of intensity, ready to strike the dark one down without a moment’s hesitation.
There was a quiet in the air. The wind blew, and mist poured in around their ankles. Their plane was not an earthly one, for this battle was not taking place in our physical reality. The area was muted, a sterile white, no colors to be found save for the two warriors standing a few yards away from each other.
The dark one drew his sword, a large katana made of black steel with an obsidian handle. A ruby sat in the middle of the blade, dripping tears of blood on the ground as he swayed the blade back and forth, preparing himself. The light one drew his blade, a Claymore with little accessories save for an inscription on the blade. It read, “In all things, we must persevere.” He closed his eyes and held the sword to his chest, seeming to pray to some force. The dark one showed his teeth, sharped and putrid like a wolf waiting to strike down his prey. The light one opened his eyes and held his sword high above his head. The dark one held his katana to his side and took a wide stance, ready to strike. The battle had begun.
The two ran at each other, leaped high into the air, and clashed. There was a flash of light, and then, nothing.