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Audio! Video! Disco!
2 weeks…
2 weeks until the big 2-4. Damn. I feel like I’m getting old.
I always feel like shit around my birthday, mostly because I always want to do something fun, but it never pans out the way I want it to. It would also feel better if I could spend it without getting down on myself, wishing for something while the year has passed without it happening…
I digress, I think this year has been splendid so far, 2012 at least. 2011… Well, I lost my shit. I couldn’t remember who I was, and I brought myself back up, made myself reliable, understanding… I started down a path I intend to finish. On a professional level, my life is wowzers, but honestly, social stuff always wears me out. I want to be more sociable, I want to have friends, but I sometimes fear contact because I get the feeling they don’t like me, and I back away and into my shell; a mancave I call my domain. Maybe I’m just paranoid from all the weed I smoke, but I highly doubt that. It’s not like I can’t leave the house, or get food, I’m just crippled by the embarrassment of being.
Yes, you read that right: I’m embarrassed by myself. Granted, it’s mostly because I feel I look like some ancient man, angry, domineering… When I’m really as scared as a mouse on the inside. Maybe it’s just who I am, but I do fear my heart is growing colder with each passing day. I don’t know if I want understanding by my peers anymore, but I know that I want their acceptance. It is difficult to shove the past in a drawer, when all it wants to do is raise it’s ugly head back into my life.
24. Damn man. I used to think that was so old… Now I can see why. It’s strange knowing that you’re just marching forward, trying to look at what’s around the corner, stranger still, it’s knowing that something interesting is bound to happen. Whether that be good or bad is hard to say, but right now, as I’m writing this, I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about the present. The moment. It’s here.
- H
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Crown of Thorns
I am fucking depressed.
It’s not because I have too much going on right now, or too little. I’m just in a (legitimately) sick, and lethargic state.
My mind is a blur of sadness…
Let’s start at the beginning;
I’ve been sick since Saturday, but the cold has only gotten worse since then, with the peak being today. My dreams were of my Father, and his side of the family. A nightmarish group of individuals who only seem to care about themselves.
I remember lying in a room not dissimilar to my living room with my old dogs, and looking out at the night through the window near me. The cityscape was strange, ethereal, with lights cutting through the streets in the darkness. I heard my grandmother calling out to me, trying to find me, and my fear creeping up on me. I kept completely quiet and still as I heard the group travel up and down a set of concrete stairs outside the door. It began to open on it’s own, and no matter how hard I pushed, it continued to open. I laid back down on the couch, trying to hide from them, but alas, the door swung open, and I was cornered.
My Grandmother called out to me, asked me why I had not called, why I had not kept in contact with her, feeding me lies and guilt that overwhelmed my very being as my extended family looked on with cold, unrelenting eyes. I tried to respond, but I could not come up with the right words to explain my position. The guilt was too great, and my mind too shattered.
I woke up with blood in my mucus, my nose stuffed up, and a general ill feeling. I cleared out my pipes, then walked into my kitchen to make some medicine. I turn on the light, and BAM! It shorts out. Aggravating to say the least.
I looked at the box of Theraflu and realized that it would not be enough to circumvent my symptoms, which were worse than before. “Fuck!” I shouted as I threw the box back onto the counter.
I called my mother to inform her of my plight, but the conversation became about how I didn’t have insurance, and how it wasn’t her responsibility to help me with finding insurance due to my age(though I had asked her many, MANY times to help me prior). It soon degraded to nagging until I just exploded on her. The foul feelings within appearing only briefly, then subsiding as the exchange came to a close.
I got dressed, and jumped in my car. I felt like I couldn’t hear anything as I traveled to the pharmacy down the street.
The past few hours have been quiet once again, but all too quiet for my taste. The medicine helps, but it does not help my psychological state. I feel mindraped, lost, uncomposed… Like a living illusion. A ghost. An apparition.
I suppose that watching Ancient Discoveries about Torture Devices cannot have helped, but I do not think it hurt either. I feel… alone. Like I don’t exist.
I have dealt with this many times before, but recently this emotion has come into play more in this new year than ever. Some of my friends, though very nice, seem to forget I’m around. I guess I can’t blame them, since I hardly make contact on my own terms. I don’t know why I just don’t talk to people because, if anything, all I want to do is talk. I talk to myself all the time. I live within my own mind, having conversations with myself to determine which course of action would better suit me, and which would make me appear to be something I’m not. The only thing I’m trying to be is me, but sometimes, even that backfires.
I can’t say I blame anyone for feeling weird about me, for not feeling trusting, or understanding. It’s hard to understand someone who is completely aware of themselves. It’s frightening. Also, due to my extensive life experience in such a short time, it is intimidating. People are worried I’ll go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds or less, and yes, I do have my moments, but I’m trying to get better. I’m always trying to get better.
I suppose that this is just a phase, a passing glance of something that may or may not be. I have no ideas, I just have the constant of moving forward.
- H
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2011: Year in Review, and 2012: Year of Reinvention
2011. It was a good year, a bad year, a momentous year, a tragic year, and everything in between. I started going to college, I made a bunch of friends(all of whom I love DEARLY), I got in a head-on car accident, I went through the worst depression of my life, I lived in a hotel for 2 months… The list, as usual, goes on.
But in between all of this chaotic mess, I realized what I truly wanted out of life, that there are people I can relate to, and I found something that gave my existence some meaning. I found a sense of ease I have never had, a sense of capability, a sense of understanding…
I also caused a lot of problems. I fell in love with girls who didn’t feel the same, I made myself look like an ass, I grew out my hair too long, and I lost myself. Most of all, I hurt my friends more times than I can count, and that really makes me upset.
As in all things, Balance is the name of the game, and this year was a tightrope act, riding the line of Genius and Insanity, trying to find out who was right or wrong, and if I was truly on the right path. I still don’t have an answer, and I probably won’t, either because I don’t deserve it(yet), or because it’s already in front of me and I haven’t seen it.
There were times I felt like my life was worth nothing(a feeling I have while writing this), and times when I felt that I was Superman incarnate, but there were always times where I was indifferent and curious, wondering where things were going, and if I was just going to follow or lead.
I am, and will always be, an asshole. Yes, most of you don’t feel this way, but I do, for I am the only one who truly knows what I’m thinking, and I really did my fair share of fucking up. Most recently, I pissed off my friends with a joke I made on Twitter, only to discover I had made a serious mistake in judgment. This is only just an example of the monumental fuckups I am capable of.
It is difficult being a good friend, and even more difficult when you are blinded by your emotions, whether that be Envy, Pride, Rage, or any sin worthy of note. I am human, I make mistakes, but I feel I make far too many. At times, I feel like Gollum from Lord of the Rings… Searching for the one thing that will make me whole, but it only leads to my downfall.
Words cannot describe the amount of sorrow I feel for all the times I’ve done wrong, and for all the things I wish I could say to make things right, but I would hope that most would realize how terrible I feel just being alive. I cannot believe the amount of strength my friends have to even talk to me, or try to understand me. A lot of times, I don’t think I deserve them, and granted, maybe I don’t. Why they stay is beyond even my comprehension.
This all being said, I don’t hate myself. I got almost all As these past few semesters in college, I was frugal with my spending, I went from being in the worst position in my life to the best position I’ve been in just about ever, and I found confidence and strength when I needed it most. I wasn’t on the run anymore, I was alive, and I was free. In terms of my professional stature, I am doing incredibly well. People have commented that I don’t give myself enough credit for overcoming so many obstacles without losing my composure. They’re right, but as with everything, I do not feel a sense of pride until the job is done, and done well. I try to be professional and logical when I have to be, a stalwart and calm presence in the face of overwhelming odds. Fear is natural, but giving into that fear destroys you entirely.
I tend to bring up duality in a lot in my life, though not everything is black and white. Humans in general have the potential to do both good and bad, and at times you have to cross the line in order for that to happen. I am one who tells it like it is, who says what they feel no matter how angry, sad, or ridiculous it may sound to others. I don’t try to sugarcoat anything, especially when it comes to myself, because realizing the weaknesses in myself makes me stronger. This brings me to my major point, and the reason for this post.
2012, and the prospect of this coming year, seems bright. I am heading into this year in probably the darkest of moods, but I know that things will change. That change will only come if I apply myself however, and I intend to do so. My theme for this year is “REINVENT YOURSELF”.
The old Henry, the Henry of the past, must die in order for the new Henry to arise from the ashes like a Phoenix reborn. I have to discard the parts of me that will only seek to wear me out, and bring me down, and strengthen the ones that will lead me to finding inner peace within my chaotic, melancholy mind.
I have written out a list, and here is what I plan on doing:
1. Lose 25-30 lbs.
I have always been husky and bulky, but this needs to change. In order for me to feel truly better about myself, I must work out my aggression at the gym as I once did a few years ago. I know I have the potential to be very handsome if I only put in the necessary effort, which I did not this past year. I’ll also feel much better about myself overall, as my weight has always been a looming topic on my mind.
2. Reduce Marijuana Consumption.
Yes, you read that right. I’m not stopping entirely, but I realize that a fit body requires a fit mind, and vice versa. I love getting stoned, but it’s not helping me further my own needs, and it’s not helping me in the female department either.
3. Get back on a diet.
This goes with #1 obviously, but is important to include because portion control is just as important as keeping a steady exercise regimen.
4. Get a Tattoo.
In the past, I wouldn’t have even considered it, but as I’ve gotten older, the want and the need for one has become all too apparent. I think a tattoo will be a healthy reminder of what my goals need to be, and where I should be headed. I’ve already made the preliminary design for it, but I have to work on it more to perfect it so I can actually get inked. It’s a Mandalorian Helmet, representing a lot of things to me, not just Star Wars, but how I view myself; On the fringes, strong, not necessarily the best looking dude, and my Cowboy-esque Gungho attitude.
5. Get new glasses.
I love my glasses, but since the car accident, they got kind of fucked up, and I feel it’s necessary to replace them now, especially since my eye trouble. They won’t be too different, just a pseudo-upgrade.
6. Get a job/internship.
I have too much free time, way more than I put on, and filling that time is necessary for me now. The economy has ruined my credit score, as well as previous uncontrollable bad decisions by outside elements, and I need to work. I need to come home every day like I have in the past, and just completely zone out, exhausted, and fall asleep. I need to feel alive, distracted, like I really do have a lot on my mind with all the obligations having a job entails. I want to feel accomplished, to feel like what I’m doing has purpose towards a greater goal, whether that be money or experience. This will open me up to even more new elements, and will expose me to the world like I once was, instead of being on a computer, clicking away about how my life sucks.
“REINVENT YOURSELF.” That is the key thought. I don’t want to be who I am anymore, as interesting as this person is. I don’t feel like the person I am right now, and that’s not how I should feel at all. I should feel confident in myself instead of insecure, happy instead of depressed, and intelligent instead of foolish. I want to be the man I was meant to be, not just a shell of all the bad things that have happened to me.
The caterpillar is coming out of the cocoon. I have to get ready to spread my wings and soar as the Butterfly I am! It will be a long journey, and one with yet more obstacles, but one I can overcome. I will make amends to all, and I will forgive myself.
I just have to remember what makes life worth living.
Happy Holidays!
- H
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There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale
Greetings everyone!
I know I don’t post as often as I used to on here, but honestly? If you can’t see I’m busy, then you obviously don’t have a life. I cannot possibly fill your void as well as mine all the fucking time. I’m only human! Well, MOSTLY human.
Anyway, all joking aside, I’m doing incredibly well. I just found out I got straight A’s for my first semester at Hogwarts, er, I mean, Film School. I’m working on 3 summer school classes, all of which are more difficult than the 4 I took before. Good stress is better than no stress I guess as deadlines have to be met, and I can only work as hard as I can, when I can.
I am passionate about Film, more than I am passionate about just anything(except for anything related to sex and weed), but given my knowledge I suppose it is not so surprising. It’s hard to describe in words how it feels to me when I watch a film, how I can break it down into such minute detail, how I let them wash over me, and guide me along. I didn’t have many friends when I was younger. I was always an outsider, gifted but weird. When I put on movies on the TV with old school VHS tapes, I was transported away to another world, a place of wonder. Time seems elongated, everything is possible, and the mind’s eye wanders. I suppose you could say that films have always been my friends. They were there for me in my darkest days when not a soul could understand my torment. I felt connected, and that I was not alone.
Isolationism is a very difficult and strenuous thing, yet I deal with it on a constant basis. I suppose that because I don’t fit in with society’s “standards”, I’ll never be like everyone else. Good, because I don’t want to. I am Henry, and that’s the only person I need to be, and if people don’t like me, they don’t have to deal with me. This is how I am, and I only change if I want to change. Sometimes, I wish I could give you all more details of why I feel the way I do, but it’s such a difficult story to describe in words. I plan on writing and making a film about it one day, when I am healed, but for now, guessing is your best option.
- H
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I am Blessed
Hi guys!
This goes out to all of my Tweeps, Social Media Junkies, friends, and loved ones:
Thank you for making my life bearable. I would not have come this far without your love and support, and I wish you all a fantastic, nerdtastic, ridiculously bubbly, and happy 2011!
Adios 2010, you’ve been a bitch, but you’re fucked now!
Love,
Henry A. aka @Seven16
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I got problems yo, but that ain’t stoppin’ me…
Howdy folks!
Been a while since I decided to write a little bloggity bloggity blu, so I figured I would talk a little bit about my current situation heading into the beginning of 2011;
The last 12 months of my life have been hellish to say the least. My Dad went to jail, I’ve been on a downward spiral since my Film School ambitions fell through, and I’m ultimately pessimistic about the state of 2010 in general. I’m here to tell you that it was worth it.
Why was it worth it? Struggle is a constant in all facets of life, whether it happens for a day, a week, a month, a year… There will always be bad things that happen, and things that we want, we won’t always get, even if we want them with all of our being. The key to overcoming problems is first ACCEPTING the issue. This is why 95% of people are depressed and upset to begin with, THEY DON’T ACCEPT THE PROBLEM!
Solutions to problems present themselves to those looking for them instead of worrying about it all the time. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how tough it is to NOT worry about everything, but worrying about the little things will get you nowhere. The big picture is the most important thing. We tend to get so wrapped up in all of the details that we don’t take a breath and look at the state of things as a whole. Are you still alive? Are you in decent health? Do you have friends and loved ones? We forget that these things should be priority #1 above anything else.
I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, unable to find a job, and unable to really figure out where I’m going, or where I’m headed. I’m lonely, I’m upset, and I have a lot on my mind, but I accept all of this, and know that if I keep pushing forward, these problems will gradually solve themselves, or slip away entirely.
My twitter is a good example of how I have kept myself stable. By sharing myself, and my opinions with the world, without bias towards others, with mutual respect and kindness, I feel that I have opened doors for myself that would not have if I had remained in my ignorance. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I hadn’t reached out. Remember, no matter how insignificant something may seem at the time, it could change someone’s life. As Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are both true and kind, they can change our world.” This is a mantra I never forget.
I cannot thank my friends and family enough for their love and support, and to my new friends, I want to let you know that even if you think you haven’t made an impact, you have. We are all connected, even when we’re not, and if we don’t think so.
So what have I learned this year? That life gives you things and takes other things away, that karma and consequence are always in play, that destiny and manifest destiny are one in the same, that time is constantly moving forward, and ultimately that things change with or without us.
As a neutral being, I will keep doing what I do best, and that’s moving forward. It’s all I can, and will ever do, no matter how much things change directly, or indirectly for me.
Live your life. Love your life. Respect your life.
- H
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Poetry Corner: Oh Friends Almighty
For my second poem, I wrote this after having a terrible day, and while I was very drunk. I also had this posted on my old blog, but I took it down, and now I’m putting it back up.
So enjoy Oh Friends Almighty
Oh Friends almighty,
May they reign eternal, may they shine a light on situations one thinks lost
May they understand the pain of those who set forth upon thine dangers
The beast continues to reign supreme
And yet pain and suffering do not cease to be
The anger that dwells in the followers of one who believes he is doomed for an eternity
Of Damnation and Forsaken desires
Let breathe to the, the oppressor of all that is understated
The one who giveth the light onto thine place
For I am the beast
The ruler of the darkness, the guardian of the light
The forebearer of those who come before me
The receiver of wisdom in a land forsaken by those who wish nothing
But to prove themselves worthy
The lost chapters of Oblivion bring the dawning of a new light
Blessed shall be the ones who listen when all is lost
When the keys to the kingdom of man have fallen
I will be the people’s hand
The one who seeks to resolve the major problems of the world
That is what one hopes, but may never be
For I am the beast, the one who carries the burdens
Of those deemed worthy by his standards
I am the sacrilege by which all stands
And the beginner of the new way
One can dream.
-H