Sand in the Vaseline
Why do I feel so out of place? So tortured by my own self? Angry to the point of exploding bouts of rage? Upset that I can’t find love?…
It’s a constant struggle. Same shit, different day. Half of it is bullshit, and the other half is just shit.
I never thought I’d be here, like this, in this place. I thought by now, I’d be a success, with lots of money, women, and all the happiness I could ever want. But its not to be. I sit in my apartment, alone, isolated, and unchanged. Sure, I’m going to school, and I have friends, but I don’t let anyone get close enough to really make them see what lies beneath. I put on a superficial front of happiness, while I rip myself to shreds on the inside. I can’t even talk to women all that well, as friends yes, but as something more, never. I’m an unbalanced, awkward fool that hates himself, but only wants to be himself. A walking contradiction. A callous abscess. A beast of burden, but only to myself.
I wish it weren’t this way. I wish I didn’t hide myself away from it all, living in fear. I change with the world, but that change never gives me the closure I seek. All the medication, therapy, and talking can’t change the fact that, though I’m not alone, I FEEL alone. My struggles are my own, and no one gives a fuck. I know that’s the truth, and I’m okay with that, but it still hurts. The pain is just too much, and I’m getting tired of it. It’s an old habit, a routine, one that will destroy me if I let it.
I’m falling once again into darkness, a pit that I’ve crawled out of more times than I can count on my hands, but I don’t know if I can make it out alone this time.
I just want to feel some kind of satisfaction for once, to know that I mean something to myself, not just to other people. I know a lot of people care about me, but the lack of caring for myself is what makes it a problem. But the other issue is that I’m being told to do so many different things, sending me off in different directions… I can’t follow them all, but I get the overwhelming feeling that they won’t help me, nor cure my mental ailment. I genuinely appreciate all the help, but it does nothing to ease my pain. It masks it.
And that’s what I’m always doing. Wearing different masks. Just like my fuck up of a father before me. I’m trying to break the pattern, but the pattern is creeping up on me. I hurt on the inside. External pain is nothing.
At this point, I feel that this will pass, as everything does, but what if it doesn’t? What if I keep complaining about the same things? Never finding a solution? What if I am stuck in a tormented haze for the rest of my life, unwilling to find a proper way to cope?
I’ve been sober over a month. I thought it would help, and it has, but its also made things worse in the process. It’s made me look at myself more deeply than I wished, and just recognize my flaws that much more. How much time I’ve wasted, how I’m not so young as I once was, and that my life means nothing to my family.
I’ve tried to be a good man, but even with all that good karma, my life has been filled with sadness, loss, hatred, betrayal, and darkness. I just wish it could all be over, not at the end of a noose, but at the end of a sentence.
ARE YOU READING THIS?
Now that I have your attention, I need your help.
I have 851 followers (as of writing this) on Twitter. I need to hit 1,000. Why? So I can follow back some awesome people!
Twitter only allows accounts with 1,000+ followers to have more than 2,000+ people you can follow. I want to start following people back, but I don’t want to get rid of any of my current people I’m following. Hence, my conundrum is that I am immobile until I get more followers on Twitter. I list people, yes, but I am within 150 followers of reaching my goal.
So I ask you, will you give me a shout out tomorrow aka Follow Friday? I don’t normally ask for bullshit like this, but honestly, I just want to follow some people back instead of having to list people. I haven’t seen some people tweet my name a lot either despite all of the nice things you say about me, and although it’s nice, it’s also nice to be validated for all of the hard work I put in trying to entertain and keep things fresh all the time. As Kermit would say, “It’s not easy being green.”
I am first and foremost appealing anyone and everyone. I genuinely like all of you guys, and you know when I say that, I’m not lying, and I’m not trying to overstep my bounds by asking, but I am making a formal request, which I never do.
Anyone who gives me a shout out gets one in return, as it always is and should be.
So will you help me? Will you help @Seven16?
Thanks for reading.
Day and Night: A Poem
Day and Night
The loss of words, the loss of time
Extraction seems hopeless
But there’s an unwillingness to give up
Flowing day to night
The path slows, but leads in many directions
Which to choose?
Starting something new
The question is the answer
Day to Night
Night brings gloom
A certain calmness fills the air
But the looming fact remains
What is this place?
Night to day
Rinse and repeat
The cycle needs to change
Help is needed
Day to Day
Afternoons are painful
Nothing has been done
There is solace in acceptance
Where to begin?
Can change come of this?
More sacrifices made, more time lost
Will it end?
So this last week, despite my awesome blog postings and such, the beginning of the healing process over my dad, attaining a good grip on my mental state, and being over a week sober, I realize that I basically did what I did for most of last year: nothing.
Granted, people would tell me that I haven’t done NOTHING, I have done something. The problem is, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I haven’t motivated myself like I should have this past week, nor the past year. I let myself take a breather instead of beginning to look for what I want out of my future. But what DO I want?
At this point, I’m really not sure. I know more about film than most people to the extent my friends, and even my own mother begged me to head off in that direction. It’s really something I’ve always wanted and have dreamed of, but the problem is that the dream was soured for me due to excessive worry and bother over trying to get rolling, as well as my Dad pushing me. I attempted to go to Film School this last fall as I have documented before, but when it fell through, I kind of let go of it. I moved on. If something doesn’t go my way, I don’t try it again usually. I’m not like that. That’s not to say in this sense that I would not try going to Film School again, more that I would not attempt to go to the same school that I applied to. But I digress, I am not someone who is easily swayed into trying something again because I saw what happened when my father did what he did for so many years. My uncle said it was like a crazy person trying the same thing 1000x, trying to get a different reaction each time, never giving up. Most people, myself included, would give up by the 3rd or 4th try.
What are my other options? Well, as you can probably tell, and being the arrogant son of a bitch that I am, I am an exceedingly good writer. Better than most if I do say so myself. When I was younger, they put me in the gifted programs at most of my schools because of my writing abilities (a prodigy if you will), and the way that I can convey emotions and feelings through the page. When I write, it’s a release of creativity, a sort of mental masturbation. I write whatever comes to mind with little forethought as to what exactly I’m going to write about other than an outline, this blog post included. I have been suggested to by a few people that I should try the UCLA Writer’s Extension program. People who have seen my work have given me high amounts of praise, but until I prove my worth, writing an article or a story for a major publication, a book, a screenplay, I do not feel that I could make it, at least, not without some help.
The last thing may come as a bit of a shock to some, or maybe not at all; Acting. I used to do a lot of acting in my High School plays, but even before that, I took classes at Lee Strasberg, I went to an acting camp, and I had many other experiences learning and doing acting. The problem was that I always got the supporting roles, even though in every play I ever performed in, I was granted the highest praise over even the lead actors. Not that this was a problem, but it stung when I knew that it was more about popularity and good looks than about actual talent. I also love giving speeches. I am not afraid to get in front of a crowd and express myself and what I have to say. I ran for Student Council the last year of High School for the Presidency. My speech was about how my fellow peers should vote for who they thought was the best person to represent them, and not about popularity. I said I didn’t care if they voted for me or not, I just wanted them to make the right choice. People came up to me after all was said and done, and even shook my hand, telling me how good my speech was. I lost by 2 votes, not that I really cared. Politics is a dirty business anyway, especially knowing my Dad was the youngest elected official in US history (True story).
So, having weighed these options, I ask myself, what should I do? Should I proceed with Film once again? Should I head into acting? Or is my writing really good enough to warrant more time and effort?
I think the underlying issue to the question is that I really do need help. I need help getting motivated, and I need help getting started. I know what good I can do, but because I am still stinging from the pain of being told I had nothing to offer, it’s hard for me to even begin anything. I received help in all the wrong places and ways, even though I tried hard to make due with what I had. It just wasn’t enough. It still isn’t.
I may have a bit of an ego, and I may be an asshole sometimes, but don’t I have the right to be successful at something? All I ever wanted was happiness and security. I don’t require much to keep myself running, but what I have now is barely enough to get by. A normal job wouldn’t suit me well, and besides, I’ve already tried that more than once. I don’t care anymore about seeing my name in lights as much as I do knowing that I did something, that I was someone, and not a nobody like I am right now.
So I am reaching out to you. Please help me. I’m not asking for money, nor am I asking for a job, I just want some support, and help to get me started. I just want a chance, nay, I deserve a chance. I can more than prove this if need be.
Drop me a line: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from some of you soon.
The Challenge of Sobriety
So yesterday on twitter, I was talking about how weed helps ease my pain, but in doing so, I wasn’t thinking about the problem of my pain as a whole. You see, as much as weed helps me through the days, it does not motivate me. It keeps me in the same place, and it stops me in my tracks. It’s something that’s fun to do, but becomes an obsession and addiction if left unchecked, which is what happened to me. A close friend of mine went to rehab for weed, and as funny as it may seem, it’s actually pretty harmful.
By harmful, I mean in the mental sense. It warps your mind, and in some ways, you become it’s slave. That’s not to say I don’t love it, but it’s not helping me with my problems, It’s only masking them. I need to get over this next hump, and crawl out of the abyss, and weed will only hinder my progress right now.
So for the next few weeks, I’m going cold turkey. I need a detox, both mentally, and physically. I bet my blood smells like weed from all the THC in it :P
I love weed. I LOVE IT. But I have to give it up for a little while. Sobriety is a challenge I have faced before, and it will be something I continue to face my entire life. My Dad had back and neck surgeries and was addicted to Vicodin for years. I’ve looked into the face of addiction, but I have the willpower to stop unlike a lot of people. I have the power to change.
So goodbye for now old friend. We’ll see each other again soon enough.