People of Earth,
I come bearing gifts!
Actually, it’s more like information based on what’s going on in my life, but you know… Same kind of thing… Maybe… Well, not really.
You’re not getting that cookie basket, I can tell you that.
Currently, I am dealing with a lawsuit that I can’t tell anyone about because it sucks, and I don’t want to but, of course, I can’t HELP but be forced into these stupid situations, so I just have to say “what the fuck” and bite the bullet. So that’s one thing.
The other thing is my classes. Oh boy, my classes. 3 of them are sweet, and 1 of them really sucks. I’m talking like, I have to be up in 7 hours kind of suck. The kind of suck that involves not having done most of the work because it’s not due till the end and I might actually fuck it up kind of suck. The good news is that I passed my last quarter with flying colors, so maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. But when you take a midterm at 9 am, all essay questions, and in cursive, with a teacher who’s a certifiable DICK (and will tell you so himself), it’s hard to laugh at the situation, or wonder if you’re just in the line of a speeding train. You know, that kind of shit.
I’ve been playing LOTS of videogames. No, I don’t feel like I’m wasting my life. Yes, I love them. No, I don’t care what you think. I’ve been doing this for years, and I have no intention of ever fully growing up. I think that since games hit the mainstream, it doesn’t really matter if I tell everyone I play videogames. The majority of people I know either play them, or they know about them. I feel like the previous generation sometimes views them in a more negative light because they don’t understand them. My mom thinks I spend too much time “alone”, but technically, I’m just “isolating” myself because I’m afraid of the world outside my door. Hopefully you caught that sarcasm. If you didn’t, you should kill yourself. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh…
Speaking of harsh, it seems my confidence is finally breaking through, so I have opened the flood gates to being a bit of a dick. That’s not to say I’m still not the nice, lovable Henry I was before; I’m just an upgraded, enhanced model version, updated with the latest firmware patches to compensate for my ill mentality. I don’t even think about the past anymore. My mind is too much in the present, and maybe a bit in the future. I use the lessons of the past to get by, like I always have, and I don’t forget, I just try not to remember the context in a negative life. Things are much easier for me socially. Everyone genuinely likes, and respects me, and are quite open about it, which is rare for me. It is hard for me to accept that people like me for who I am, but I’m finding out it’s because I haven’t liked myself for so long. I feel completely, mentally calm.
I will say this though; I still feel like my creativity is down the toilet a bit lately. I haven’t had any particularly good ideas. I’ve been so busy focusing on my school, social outings, and videogames, that I haven’t really put anything down for a while. That’s kind of why I’m writing this. I still want to express myself, but I’m finding it hard to have the time. Things move so quick, and I’m busy. Life never stops, but I don’t want it to pass me by. I don’t think it will, but I worry sometimes. I don’t want 20 years to go by and feel like I have accomplished nothing. I’m overthinking this…
Anyway, overall, life is pretty decent. I just take it day by day, like always, making mental notes, or just trying to remove wrenches from the cogs. One day at a time.
Time of your life, eh, kid?
Why I do what I do
It’s almost 3 am. It’s too hot to sleep. I keep thinking about this girl.
It’s the perfect time to get something off my chest.
Recently, I’ve had some personal friends of mine follow me on here, and yet I continue to type out how I feel about my situations in the way I know best: By being my honest, true self.
But some people might be wondering, ‘Why would you put such details out for everyone to see? Aren’t you worried about the repercussions? That it might get back to you in the future?’
I’m not afraid of how I feel. I’m not afraid to tell people how I feel, friend or foe. I’m not afraid of being myself, even if that means alienating others. I’m not afraid of the past catching up with me.
I’ve lived the majority of my life in fear. Fear of failing, of rejection… It’s all relative. Saying what I believe, whether or not it’s what everyone wants to hear, is more important. My past has caught up with me, in one way or another. I live it every day, but I don’t fear it like I once did. I accept it. I try and understand it so that I don’t make those same mistakes, listen to those false prophets, or those who would seek to use me. I understand that that was then, and this is now. This is who I am at this moment, and even if I’m different, or think differently 10, 15, 20 years down the line, I have to accept that this is who I was at the time. That is what gives me peace.
Everything changes, for better or worse. I go with the change. I only force change when it is something that I truly want for myself, and not for anyone else. It’s not worth it. I changed for people before, but it never made me happy, in fact, it made my existence a living hell.
I don’t think so far ahead into the future. Like everyone, I have plans. I want to travel, I want to do things, have new experiences, and learn as much as I can. But those are long-term goals, not something that will effecting me in the next 5 minutes. I don’t want my future to always be preplanned, predestined. I want to live in the moment, as I see fit. I want to experience joy, pain, and every other emotion when it happens, not know that it’s going to occur. Surprise is part of the beauty of living, even when it’s not a good one. For all I know, I could drop dead in 2 days, or 70 years. But why should I worry about that now?
In terms of regrets, I have many. More than I can count on one hand, shit, even two. I feel bad about them, but I don’t let those regrets rule my life. I don’t let them wash over me like they once did, destroying facets of my being, and causing me enumerable amounts of pain. Regrets are part of life. We all have them, and we can’t escape them, so why try? The key is to appreciate that you are not perfect. No human is. Perfection is boring, and it leads to anonymity. It becomes routine.
In finality, I write what I write because it’s how I feel. My personal truth is not just mine, it’s everyone’s. I share it because I know that others feel like I do. They go through good times and bad, they live, they experience, they understand. I am here to help you understand by allowing you to look through my lens. To see the world as I do, imperfections and all.
Let go, and live.
Stop looking at me funny!
Oh hectic, strange beast of life. How you torment, how you love, and how you show us things we must see…
This week was a fucking madhouse of crazy bullshit, but I made it through. The last 2 days I spent sleeping in until 2 o’clock in the afternoon, which was totally deserved, and totally fucking worth it.
My tweets, status updates, etc. were erratic beyond all measure. I tend to become a bi-polar cartoon character when I’m having trouble handling shit. I go through a lot of it, I’ve GOTTEN through a lot of it, so I guess the occasional stress isn’t so bad. It was pissing me off more than anything.
Anger. Now that’s a subject I’m familiar with. I was REALLY pissed this week, I mean Ghost Chili steamed. My Mom was the catalyst, but she wasn’t the main cause. It really began after I saw how fucked up my car really was. I was letting it go, but she just said something that set me off, and for the next 3 days, I was a powder keg. I had to apologize to my therapist because my aggression was so obvious.
I think that lately, it’s because I’ve been feeling like the world has handed me what I wanted, but with a bag of shit on top of it, and I have to dig through the shit to get to the thing I want. But on top of that, when I find the thing I want, I realize it’s Fool’s Gold! A fabrication! So I dug through all that shit for nothing. It’s fuckin’ aggravating.
I can’t complain too much since I now have a little over 4 weeks to recoup before the next semester. I hate the holidays usually, but considering I’m not really going to have any holiday bullshit this year, I can’t complain. My finals went reasonably well too. I don’t expect I got my finest grades yet, but I tried very hard to accomplish my goals, and got lucky a few times.
Pushing myself to the limit seems to be a normal thing for me, and something I should learn to forget. I found myself in a lot of tight spots that I busted out of, but with more damage than I had anticipated, yet I still cannot let my guard down. It’s tough for me because I’ve been through so much, and yet still no one really knows. I don’t really want them to though because all they have to do is ask and after 5 minutes, they don’t want to hear the rest.
I’m a weird guy, but I’m really genuine, and that’s what sets me apart. If people only saw that, maybe I wouldn’t feel so shitty about myself sometimes. If they just told me they liked me for who I was, not try to change me as so often the case. People can’t handle me, but I think it goes both ways.
I thought I would share these thoughts with you on this solemn, lonely eve. Rest easy, internet.
On the Run
Busy, Busy, Busy.
My life has been filled with stuff to do lately! Whether it’s hanging out with friends, dealing with girl problems, procrastinating my homework till the night before, playing videogames, smoking weed…
But I digress.
Lately, I’ve been beginning to realize that people actually LIKE me as a person in general, which is really weird for me. Growing up, I was mostly told I was wrong about almost everything I thought, so my background is quite extraordinary and unusual. Even my therapist thinks so
So where do I stand? Well, I don’t hate myself as often. Sure, I loving torturing myself to the point of perfection because I set the bloody bar so high for myself. I end up holding in my emotions, and not being as straightforward as I’d like, if only to protect others.
But I’m learning.
Like all things, life in general is a constant learning process. Just when you think you know something inside and out, you discover something maybe you didn’t know with a second look. I know that’s happened to me on so many occasions it’s hard to count.
I like being a good friend to others, but sometimes I really must say no. In my life, I’m numero uno, even if I don’t feel like I am. I don’t want to sound like a pretentious ass, but it’s actually true. After years of dealing with my own personal hell, I ended up putting my focus on others over myself in numerous instances. I care too much, but it’s better than having a cold heart.
In effect, the winds are shifting once again. This year was more setting up the eventuality, next year will be all about reaping the benefits. If the world really does end on December 21, 2012(and it probably won’t), I guess I have some living to do.
GLaDoS! What are you doing with that knife?
The cake is a lie.
This is what I was taught when I was younger, but not in this way.
I was lied to for many years. Told I was not truly worth a shit in this world, by outsiders, by my family, and even by myself. But I strived for more. And I have achieved it.
Thinking back is always something I have always done, because, at times, the past is all we have. When times are bad, we think of how great we felt during those happy times, and we don’t give up hope that things can be like that, or come close that in our present.
But I am happy in this place.
For the first time in YEARS, I get to see people I like on a regular basis, get to enjoy my vices and habits, but also get to enjoy a greater sense of comradery. For the first time, I feel like I fit in, that I can be a leader, that I can follow my dreams, and not be held back by my anxieties and past failures. I am not to blame, so I won’t take it.
It feels good.
I was visited by a creature, a spirit the other night. Most that know me personally know that I have been thinking about this for some time. I believe it was a vision.
I had had a few beers on Friday night to relax and unwind after last week, which was the most stressful I’ve had so far, but also one of the best. I decided to go to sleep around 1 or 2 am. In a haze, I felt as if I was still awake in the room, without feeling awake. A Blackbird, A Crow, flew in through my sliding glass window (which was closed), was happily squawking, flew up and landed on my chest. It was intensely vivid.
I have had dreams like this before. Lucid dreaming, much like Inception. I had one a while back that I told to my dear friend and almost broke down. These are powerful emotions.
I wrote about this on my Facebook a few nights ago, and was greeted with sarcasm from another friend about my certain habits involving cannabis. Another suggested Poe. My mother said it was a Mahakala, a protector from Tibetan Buddhism, a guardian of sorts. Another said it was my spirit animal. I looked up a ton of material regarding this, and a lot of it had to do with change, and death, in both a negative and positive sense. One theory from ancient times suggested that if a young man, like myself, saw a Blackbird or Crow, it meant a young woman would appear in his life.
Crows are seen as scavengers, tricksters. They are usually an omen of evil, or foreboding something. In my case, I feel that he is sign of change, and ultimately a positive deity paying me a visit, to help my good fortune. He is lucky. I did not feel like he was an evil presence. He also seemed very content with me overall.
I still don’t know what it means, and hell, I probably never will, but I know that he was a sign of things to come. Whether they be good or bad is yet to truly be witnessed, but more change is coming, and I will be prepared for it, just like I always am.
Namaste to you all.
What’s up y’all.
I’m tired. The first week of class was great, but waking up 3 days at 7:30, getting over a cold, and smoking weed, has worn me the fuck out.
I got my first couple of assignments including doing a scene from a movie, and writing a letter trying to sell myself. This is what Hollywood is all about.
Some of my classmates want to be Directors, other want to be Actors, Producers, and Editors. I know what I want, and it seems as though I fit in perfectly with this crowd. It’s too bad I haven’t seen any new movies lately. I wanted to see Rango, Paul, and a bunch of other ones, but I was distracted. It sucks not being able to watch them for another few months till they’re out on DVD/Blu-Ray, but there’s still plenty of old movies I haven’t seen. I do plan on seeing Your Highness and Hanna in the next few days, but other than that, there’s nothing in particular that I want to see until next month.
So my passions again dictate my actions. Not such a bad thing, but too much passion can cause abrupt and unhinged thought processes. Maybe I should lay off the weed for a little while.
Some things change, others don’t
Today is the day where everyone seems to love each other, where roses, hearts, love, chocolate, sex, and happiness all seem to fit. This has never been MY fit.
Valentine’s Day is more of a corporate thing in my humble opinion, despite having history ranging back to the Middle Ages and before, but it’s also not an easy holiday for me to deal with.
I’ve never had a Valentine, not only that, I’ve never even been in a relationship, or even been kissed.
Before you think about how pathetic that is, let me tell you that it’s understandable considering my current position, as well as my previous positions I’ve been in for the last few years.
Last year, I got drunk. The year before that, I was looking for a job, and dealing with personal, family related issues. This year, I needed to go to SMCC to pay money to get transcripts, but ended up at the Santa Monica Pier instead, playing Rambo in the arcade. In years prior, I was in school, and was also significantly overweight, had zits, wore glasses… I just wasn’t attractive. Not only that, I was in my own head, and dealing with issues at home, many of which I have talked about before.
Valentine’s Day has always been a void in which I felt alone, sad, truly in my own head. I have no one to share my love with, and I haven’t, even after all of the changes I have made to both my mentality, my appearance, confidence, and understanding. I always wanted someone to be by my side, not just for sex, or love, but to share and experience things… To not be alone. Companionship is big for me. Being around me 24/7 isn’t what I mean, what I mean is that I like it when I get to spend time with someone I LIKE spending time with that’s of the opposite sex. It’s hard being in my head all the time, and most of all, by myself.
I’m a strong man, but I admit my weaknesses, and I accept them, but this is something that I have had to accept that I don’t want to accept. It’s something that bares down on my soul like a ton of bricks, or cement shoes keeping me from swimming up for air.
I’ve had many loves. Few of them truly ever know/knew how I felt about them, even if they didn’t feel the same way, but no one I liked would ever give me what I desired if only because they were saving it for someone or something else. I’ve never asked for 100%, I don’t even think that’s possible having witnessed people cheat and lie and do anything to get what they want. A relationship should always be 50/50, not 25/75, or, God forbid, 0/100. That’s why most people end up getting divorced, because they can’t give up that part of themselves for the other person.
It’s fine to have goals. Why not? Everyone does. The problem is when the goals get in the way of what you want, or people get in the way either intentionally, or unintentionally. That’s where the problem arises. I don’t want to tie someone down, and I don’t want someone to be tied down to me, at least, not at the moment. I’m lucky enough to still be young and virile, even if I don’t feel like that on the inside, which may be my blessing in disguise in some ways.
All I want is some satisfaction, but I can’t get any, at least not yet, and I don’t know why. All I have right now is hope for a better love life in the future, but today, it seems very dim. This is where I’m at.
I hope this gets to you
LEBOWSKI: It’s funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I’ve accomplished more than most men, and without the use of my legs. What… What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
DUDE: I don’t know, sir.
LEBOWSKI: Is it… is it, being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn’t that what makes a man?
DUDE: Sure. That and a pair of testicles.
- From The Big Lebowski
Last year, 2010, was by far the hardest year of my short existence. A lot happened in a short period of time, I divulged into madness and chaos, I suffered, I smoked weed and drank to try and mask my problems, I grew my hair out so I look like a crazy person, I met good people, I dropped bad people, but the worst person I know went to jail. That person is my father.
My father, despite his best efforts, is not a man that I can easily talk about. He gave into himself instead of doing the right thing. He became the very thing he didn’t want to be; a toxic, lying, overweight, unhappy man. Most of the last quarter of 2010 was suffering over him leaving because he manipulated me so bad, that I believed that I had no value. It will take a long time to heal the damage he left in his wake.
I am not expecting anyone to understand where I am coming from, nor try to. But see my words, and understand that I will not give up hope for my future. My friend Jen Friel (http://talknerdytomelover.com) wrote earlier that we have the ability to change ourselves, and our lives if we make the effort to do so. I am ready, in this new year, this new decade, to stop beating myself up over the past, and move forward with my present, and the future.
Yesterday, I was hungover, but my mom suggested that the best way to try and get over my depression and suffering was to write to my dad. I said in the past that I had not wanted to talk to the man at all, but she said that telling him how I feel would make me feel better, and I should say whatever I feel. Well, I wrote it, and I feel so much better having did.
So I present this letter to you, in hopes that you will better understand how I feel, and why I feel so much anger and grief towards my own father. It is brutal and shocking, but it is how I feel, and all of it is the truth. You’re wondering why I would do this? I’m not afraid anymore. I feel better knowing that thousands, if not millions of people could read this because people need to know that no matter what you are going through, no matter how severe your situation, no matter what happens: You are not alone.
It’s taken me a long time to write this because I didn’t think I had anything to say to you, but I do. I have more words for you than I have for most people, and I am going to make you suffer as I have suffered through your constant, fake, tormenting bullshit.
You were a good father once. You were a positive influence in my life at some times. But that has long past. The last 7 years of my life have been nothing but pain and suffering because of you. You brought this upon yourself, but you also brought this upon the people you should have cared about the most. You used to be a good man, but that has long past. I’m going to tell you how I feel, and you’re going to take it.
Do you know your own self-value? I don’t know mine. Why? Because you never instilled it in me that I HAD any value whatsoever. You were too wrapped up in your business and food to even give a fuck. I couldn’t have a 10 minute conversation with you without you picking up the phone for business. It was like your child, but I was not apparently. I’m sad that I even came out of your sorry excuse for testicles. A real man takes care of his children, and puts them first before anything, even if he doesn’t always agree with the things they say or do. You did not. You kicked me to the curb and put more focus on Charlotte. She has suffered as I have, but in a different way. It didn’t matter what I said or did, but you interrupted me when I was telling you something. You fell ASLEEP on me one time when I was talking to you. A true father listens, you did not.
Your constant impulsive decisions caused us to be in the place we are now; almost homeless, living off my mother’s parents, barely struggling to get by. I had a hard time even telling you I loved you at some points, but I realize now that it’s because I don’t. You used to be a good man, but now you will suffer the consequences of your actions.
Your mother is a bitch, and I don’t want to have anything to do with your family. You obviously are too scared to say what you have to say to her. You let her control you, and you never let your suffering go. You should have shed her, because she’s a stuck up cunt, but you didn’t. You turned those feelings in on yourself and let it eat you. You should have realized that you had value, that you were worth something. You did not.
I know how good of a person I can be. I’ve saved people from suicide, death, I even saved you. I wish I hadn’t sometimes. You would have made an excellent vegetable. I admit my mistakes, I tell people how I feel, and if I don’t agree, I respect their opinion instead of tell them that they’re wrong. You? You always told me I didn’t know what I was talking about, and you never let me figure things out on my own either. You always had to do everything for me instead of letting me live my life. Your promises of wealth, glory, and happiness were all lies, a visage of what YOU wanted. Instead, you brought pain and suffering to those who counted on you. You never did the right thing, and you never listened.
You’ve made me suffer, you’ve made Mom suffer, you’ve made Charlotte suffer. You lied to us, your own wife and children! Family is about respect and love, but you shouldn’t have even had me at all. You don’t deserve me. I can do good with my life instead of the evil you did with yours. You are suffering the consequences, and you deserve it.
I don’t love you. I think that you’re the biggest piece of shit that ever walked the planet. You let your ego and greed get in the way of what mattered most. You played us. You treated us like your pets instead of people. I am a man. I am a human, I am NOT a monster. YOU are the monster for doing what you did. I associate you with evil. You might not have killed anyone, but you killed me emotionally and mentally. You caused lasting psychological damage to me, and it will NEVER go away. You never let me speak, and have my own opinions. You would never admit that I was right about anything, even if I knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. You never knew jack shit about anything because all you cared about was Food and Business. You chose your partners and associates impulsively instead of weighing your options because you were so desperate. You thought you could fix things, but you only made them worse through your actions.
I hold so much anger to you. I think you’re a cocksucker, and you deserve your punishment. You avoided the truth, and now you’re paying for it with 7 years of your life. I hope you rot.
You are where you should be, gone, out of my life. I want you to stay there. I haven’t read any of your letters because I don’t want your excuses and bullshit. I know you’re just trying to reconnect with me, but I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want you in my life, I don’t want you in Mom’s life, and I don’t want you in Charlotte’s. You don’t deserve us. All we ever did was love you, and you treated us like your servants you fat fuck. You gained more weight, and you never gave a shit about your health, which is paramount. You made Mom suffer having to have sex with some fat, lazy slob. She doesn’t love you anymore. I know she doesn’t. I don’t love you at all.
So old man, this is my vengeance, my words. Not a sword or a fist, though I would punch you so hard your neck would snap if I had the chance. You’re not worth my time, and you’re not worth the effort. You made your choice. You chose yourself. I didn’t have a choice, but now I do, and I’m telling you that you will no longer put up with you. I will not be manipulated by a sociopath, nor will I accept that you are my father. You are just another stranger, waiting to die.
I don’t want you near me, I don’t want you to meet my future girlfriend and/or wife, I don’t want you to see your future grandchildren. As far as I’m concerned, you never existed. I’m choosing my life over suffering for the actions of yours. When I get famous, I’m telling people in interviews that you are not in my life, and that you deserve your punishment: not having a relationship with your own flesh and blood. I’m not choosing my ego, I’m choosing my life.
Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t write me, don’t text me, don’t Facebook me, and stay away. If I see you, or hear from you again, I will get a restraining order against you. I used to be your son, but now, I’m not, and I refuse to be.
My brutality and anger towards you is endless, but I don’t have to put up with you anymore. I’m shedding you like a snake sheds its skin. You don’t deserve me.
Fuck you. I hope this makes you suffer.
What makes a man? It’s the choices he makes to better himself and others. The choice to accept his life, and move forward, no matter how painful the truth may be.
Thank you all for reading this, and I hope that your new year is brighter than anyone could hope for.
This means War!
So my twitter account is becoming a very part of me, and it’s time to go to war… but not with someone else. No, it’s time to go to war with myself.
For the last year and a half, all I’ve done is wallow in pity of myself, trying to make sense of all the pain I’ve been through. I used to think I could handle it, but now that things are changing, I just want to let it all go.
But It’s so fucking hard.
I didn’t cause any of the damage dealt to me. I was forced into this situation by a man I call my father. It sucks more than a $20 hooker.
I act much older than I am. I don’t know why, but I don’t consider myself a kid by any means. People really don’t take me seriously. I really don’t think they should either. I’m crass, bold, think I know everything, but what am I worth? I haven’t proven anything to anyone other than myself.
I used to work as a game tester. I was 1 of 1500 that applied and 10 that got hired. I worked my ass off on that job, and my name is in the credits of TWO videogames. That’s nothing to be honest. Before that? I was an intern on a show called Kitchen Confidential. I was the youngest intern ever at 17. I felt good, but I made a fool of myself. I met a lot of cool people, and I got my first real taste of the industry. I know that my fortune lies in Entertainment, I just don’t know where yet.
I can act, sing, dance, write, but I still need to figure out which talent I should focus on. That’s the hard part. I want to do it all and more. I’m ambitious. I want to be a Creative Businessman.
So what’s next for me heading into the end of the year? Well, I have a few resolutions:
To live in the moment as much as possible. To let go of my fears, to find my path, to love, to lose, to win, to have moments of joy, and moments of pain. To handle myself with grace and understanding that is necessary. To not put so much pressure on myself. To accept who I am with all my might. To make new friends, or gain potential new enemies. To hold, to lust, to eat, to drink…
I really just hope I have a great 2011.
And so, life goes on, and we follow.