Grinding the Gears
I am sick, and I’m tired, and I’m pissed, and it’s the holidays. This is all relatively normal.
I suppose that I have a lot of reasons for feeling why I do, as well as just plain bad luck and circumstance. Everyone tells me I don’t give myself enough credit, and I really don’t. Why? Well, it’s because I don’t feel like I’ve fixed enough yet.
Sure, I’m well on my way to working things out to a stable level and feeling reasonably satisfied, but I also don’t feel complete. Shit, I’ll probably never feel that way, but I need to at least feel like I’ve done enough, and in my mind, I haven’t.
This probably sounds like the same bullshit I usually say. “I’m gonna live better”, “I’m gonna go do this”, “I’m gonna just be me”…
Thing is, I’m insecure beyond a shadow of a doubt. No matter what I do, I’m never going to feel entirely comfortable with it. It sucks, but it’s part of what makes me who I am. By recognizing my failures, I work towards making them stronger, but it takes time, lots of time.
I’ve only JUST started really moving on from all the insanity that the last decade dropped upon me. I could spout off a few key things and it still wouldn’t be enough. People say, “everyone goes through shit.” Well, you didn’t go through the shit I did, I guarantee it. You didn’t move 24 fuckin’ times in less than 10 years, get evicted before you were even 20, have your credit score ruined because of poor economic choices by the time you were 21, have your father ask you to take out a LOAN for $20k when you’re 19 years old, not once but TWICE, and be treated like a marionette to a puppet master for years, wondering if it will ever end…
This is not even 10% of it mind you. You think you have problems? I’m sure you do, but I always have 99 more. I’m not saying that makes me any better or worse, but it certainly paints a clearer picture of my personality. It takes time to heal the kind of damage I have. I am scarred, and I have emotional baggage that I hide in order to not place the burden on others. I work with a Therapist every week trying to navigate the strange, dark places that reside within my shattered mind.
No, I’m not proud of myself, even if I have reason to be. I’m pissed, I’m broken, and I’m sad.
You really think you know me? You don’t. I don’t even know myself.
The Challenge of Sobriety
So yesterday on twitter, I was talking about how weed helps ease my pain, but in doing so, I wasn’t thinking about the problem of my pain as a whole. You see, as much as weed helps me through the days, it does not motivate me. It keeps me in the same place, and it stops me in my tracks. It’s something that’s fun to do, but becomes an obsession and addiction if left unchecked, which is what happened to me. A close friend of mine went to rehab for weed, and as funny as it may seem, it’s actually pretty harmful.
By harmful, I mean in the mental sense. It warps your mind, and in some ways, you become it’s slave. That’s not to say I don’t love it, but it’s not helping me with my problems, It’s only masking them. I need to get over this next hump, and crawl out of the abyss, and weed will only hinder my progress right now.
So for the next few weeks, I’m going cold turkey. I need a detox, both mentally, and physically. I bet my blood smells like weed from all the THC in it :P
I love weed. I LOVE IT. But I have to give it up for a little while. Sobriety is a challenge I have faced before, and it will be something I continue to face my entire life. My Dad had back and neck surgeries and was addicted to Vicodin for years. I’ve looked into the face of addiction, but I have the willpower to stop unlike a lot of people. I have the power to change.
So goodbye for now old friend. We’ll see each other again soon enough.