Guys, I am out of control with the eating.
I normally eat rather healthy, only having what I need to survive, but what I need to survive might sometimes involve a whole bag of M&Ms and Fried Mozzarella Cheese Sticks.
This was more the case when I was living with my now ex-roommate since I was going to the market almost every day. Now that I’m living with my Mom in this hotel however, things have been, “What do you want to eat?” and me lying on my bed tweeting all day about how I need to exercise and shit when there’s a gym right down stairs from me.
I’m a born hypocrite. I’m good at it.
Watching the Super Bowl was fun, but I ate like shit today. I had a 2/3 lb Cheeseburger, Sweet Potato Fries, Onion Strings, Fried Dill Pickles… And that was just lunch.
As someone who is progressive in his overall ways of living, always looking for the next thing, I need to travel back in time a little and remember the promise I made to myself to get in shape. And damn it, I need to get in shape.
I don’t want to get all scary buff, or look like one of those guys on the Muscle Fitness magazines(Bulging is not comfortable), I just want to hit my target of 200-225 lbs instead of 235-240 which is where I stand as of writing this.
If you want something, you have to grab it by the balls. I don’t do this enough, but this is something I can EASILY accomplish while I am working on other things going on in my life.
Progress is possible, and this is only the beginning.
So this last week, despite my awesome blog postings and such, the beginning of the healing process over my dad, attaining a good grip on my mental state, and being over a week sober, I realize that I basically did what I did for most of last year: nothing.
Granted, people would tell me that I haven’t done NOTHING, I have done something. The problem is, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I haven’t motivated myself like I should have this past week, nor the past year. I let myself take a breather instead of beginning to look for what I want out of my future. But what DO I want?
At this point, I’m really not sure. I know more about film than most people to the extent my friends, and even my own mother begged me to head off in that direction. It’s really something I’ve always wanted and have dreamed of, but the problem is that the dream was soured for me due to excessive worry and bother over trying to get rolling, as well as my Dad pushing me. I attempted to go to Film School this last fall as I have documented before, but when it fell through, I kind of let go of it. I moved on. If something doesn’t go my way, I don’t try it again usually. I’m not like that. That’s not to say in this sense that I would not try going to Film School again, more that I would not attempt to go to the same school that I applied to. But I digress, I am not someone who is easily swayed into trying something again because I saw what happened when my father did what he did for so many years. My uncle said it was like a crazy person trying the same thing 1000x, trying to get a different reaction each time, never giving up. Most people, myself included, would give up by the 3rd or 4th try.
What are my other options? Well, as you can probably tell, and being the arrogant son of a bitch that I am, I am an exceedingly good writer. Better than most if I do say so myself. When I was younger, they put me in the gifted programs at most of my schools because of my writing abilities (a prodigy if you will), and the way that I can convey emotions and feelings through the page. When I write, it’s a release of creativity, a sort of mental masturbation. I write whatever comes to mind with little forethought as to what exactly I’m going to write about other than an outline, this blog post included. I have been suggested to by a few people that I should try the UCLA Writer’s Extension program. People who have seen my work have given me high amounts of praise, but until I prove my worth, writing an article or a story for a major publication, a book, a screenplay, I do not feel that I could make it, at least, not without some help.
The last thing may come as a bit of a shock to some, or maybe not at all; Acting. I used to do a lot of acting in my High School plays, but even before that, I took classes at Lee Strasberg, I went to an acting camp, and I had many other experiences learning and doing acting. The problem was that I always got the supporting roles, even though in every play I ever performed in, I was granted the highest praise over even the lead actors. Not that this was a problem, but it stung when I knew that it was more about popularity and good looks than about actual talent. I also love giving speeches. I am not afraid to get in front of a crowd and express myself and what I have to say. I ran for Student Council the last year of High School for the Presidency. My speech was about how my fellow peers should vote for who they thought was the best person to represent them, and not about popularity. I said I didn’t care if they voted for me or not, I just wanted them to make the right choice. People came up to me after all was said and done, and even shook my hand, telling me how good my speech was. I lost by 2 votes, not that I really cared. Politics is a dirty business anyway, especially knowing my Dad was the youngest elected official in US history (True story).
So, having weighed these options, I ask myself, what should I do? Should I proceed with Film once again? Should I head into acting? Or is my writing really good enough to warrant more time and effort?
I think the underlying issue to the question is that I really do need help. I need help getting motivated, and I need help getting started. I know what good I can do, but because I am still stinging from the pain of being told I had nothing to offer, it’s hard for me to even begin anything. I received help in all the wrong places and ways, even though I tried hard to make due with what I had. It just wasn’t enough. It still isn’t.
I may have a bit of an ego, and I may be an asshole sometimes, but don’t I have the right to be successful at something? All I ever wanted was happiness and security. I don’t require much to keep myself running, but what I have now is barely enough to get by. A normal job wouldn’t suit me well, and besides, I’ve already tried that more than once. I don’t care anymore about seeing my name in lights as much as I do knowing that I did something, that I was someone, and not a nobody like I am right now.
So I am reaching out to you. Please help me. I’m not asking for money, nor am I asking for a job, I just want some support, and help to get me started. I just want a chance, nay, I deserve a chance. I can more than prove this if need be.
Drop me a line: email@example.com
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from some of you soon.