A Couple of Short Poems
Wrote these pretty quick, but I thought I’d share. They are all untitled, if only because I feel the whole piece’s proper title is the one you see above. They’re all just random little thoughts I’ve had in the recent weeks. Hope you enjoy them.
What would my world be without your face?
Nothing would come together
Everything would fall apart
My soul would be set a-flame
My body would be torn asunder
That is, if I knew what you looked like.
Who am I to know the future
I am but a man
In a strange land
With nothing but my hands
And the sand beneath my toes
Will I know? Won’t I wonder?
Or will I be another blunder?
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy
As Lennon spoke around the world
Silenced in a blast of air
Turned to dust, and left to rot
Peace is wanted, peace is needed
But it comes with the highest of prices
A broken heart, and a mind in crisis
Writing this stuff helps me get things off my mind. I’ll probably be writing more of it in the future, so if you don’t like poetry, I think you need to reevaluate yourself… Or you can just get rid of me. I don’t really care.
Life is good. Staying the course for now.
An Update of Sorts: A Poem
This is a poem, though it may not seem
To be so much the cost of a dream
A cost so great, it breaks you down
But turn that smile upside-down
Frowns abound it sounds so bound
To make you cringe, to make you drown
To heal thy broken heart instead
Focus on getting ahead
'Believe in yourself', they say to me
Yet I do not know what they see
Maybe it’s the spark of hope
Or maybe it’s because I smoke too much dope
But I see the future coming to pass
I just don’t want a kick in my ass
Prophecies yet fulfilled, terms yet agreed
What is my most noblest deed?
To myself or others?
Call me a Sinner, and I’ll be your brother
I will not be forgotten, yet I wish to be pure
There is too much at stake to deny the allure
What sorrow shall suffer next?
Hopefully it’s something, I hope it’s the best
Inappropriate Circumstances Require Indirect Measures
Been a while since I posted a real, significant update, and I wanted to tell everyone what I’ve been up to, for those that care, or that don’t.
That’s actually the most significant thing. I’ve felt a lot of my insecurity slip away in the recent months, and I’m starting to care less and less about how other people view me. I’m just trying the hardest to be who I am, and for the first time EVER, I like him. I think he’s a swell guy, charismatic, and somewhat handsome. That’s a long way from overweight, depressing, and unsure. It’s really a change for the better.
Now, I don’t know if many of you remember, but my ‘dad’ is in jail, and has been for almost 3 years. I found out he was transferred to somewhere in Pennsylvania. It makes me glad he is away from me, but at the same time, he has moved closer to my sister who lives in NYC. He and her still talk on a regular basis, and it fears me that I will not be able to protect her anymore from him. I did it for a long time when we were younger, and I still have residual issues I’m working out from all of the emotional abuse, but I’m finding new reasons to keep fighting on every day, and most of it has started to slip away. Therapy has done wonders for me. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but I can’t complain at all. I’m relatively happy.
In other news, I have handed off my thesis script to a friend and fellow writer. I think she will bring fresh eyes to ‘Tripped Out’ going forward, and it will end up being something really spectacular (for 15 minutes). I will be putting up a Kickstarter early next year, so keep an eye out. I already have some people attached, and pre-production will begin as soon as the script is fixed. I’m having a meeting with her on Tuesday to discuss in further detail.
I still haven’t moved out of my apartment. I don’t really know why, but I kind of do. I’m lazy, but I need to feel somewhat comfortable to exist, and this apartment has more or less become comfortable to me. It’s not great, sure, but it’s not terrible either. It works for now. It won’t work forever.
Anyway, just wanted to spitball some of this at you. I haven’t really posted anything dark or disturbing on here for a long time, and I hope I don’t have to ever again. I plan on using that for my movies ;) haha
Thanks for following!
A Woman, A Gun, and A Noodle Shop. (Warning: Some Sexual Content)
I can’t believe how much I give, and how little I get in return. It’s fucking incredible to me. I open my heart, my mind, and what do I get? Jack-fucking-shit. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being abused. I’m tired of all these delusions warping my thinking. I’m tired of being empathic towards everyone. I’m tired of being so sensitive to the world around me. I’m tired of not knowing what love feels like…
I should really blame myself, but I really shouldn’t either. It’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I was brainwashed by my father, and emotionally abused and manipulated, and on the other hand, I haven’t done anything about my appearance lately. Truth is, I don’t think it’s either of those. I think it’s because every relationship I have ever had with any girl has been one of friendship.
I remember my first experience feeling any kind of attraction towards a woman. It was the Spring of 1997. My family and I were on vacation in Tuscany, Italy with family friends, who had rented a villa in the middle of the countryside. My family friends had brought along people unknown to me, but one I would soon see more of than I could imagine at the time.
One day, the sun was bright hot in that beautiful, blue sky. We all decided to go swimming. One of the friends, a model or actress of some kind, asked my mom if it was okay if she could swim topless. My mom said, “Sure”, and the woman did, and took a swim in the same pool I was in. It was the first time I had ever seen a pair of boobs (that I had known about of course). I just remember the feeling more than anything, like a rocket shot out of my pants. I wanted to get near them, squeeze them… It was like opening up a whole new world for me. I was 9.
I don’t know why it’s stuck with me for so long, that story. Maybe it’s because my fascination with the female figure developed from that moment. My lust permeating from that moment in time, trying to recapture that statuesque woman, baring her bosoms with pride, and my adolescent mind in awe of the sight.
Of course, I’ve seen plenty of women topless since, some close to me (but still at some distance), and some on my computer screen, but I’ve never really been able to get out any of my urges on someone else. It’s like a voice at the back of my head, my sexual being eating me alive from the inside out, wanting to get out, wanting to get out, wanting to get out from my body. It’s a virus, eating away at my cells, grinding me down into a mass of hormones and primal instinct. This might all sound a bit disturbing, but honestly, I’ve been repressing this so long that if I didn’t just say anything, my head would have exploded.
My 25th birthday is coming up in less than 1 month, and I want to get laid. That’s my goal, and I’m gonna make it my goal, childish as it is. Hopefully with someone that I like. Even though I want a relationship as much as anything, I am down for sexual conquest in the mean time.
Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs aka Dig ‘Em the Frog is my best friend
Been a long time.
Let’s get down to business, shall we?
I have been at my school almost 2 years now, not stopping. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. Sometimes, I forget I’m alive, other days, I can’t feel more alive. It really depends on the mood, and some of the lighting.
I’ll be honest though, I’ve been tired for a while now. I haven’t stopped going to school, and have had almost no real breaks from any of my work. I love it here, and I’m happy, but the problem is that I have a crap ton of major work I have to do before I proceed to the next step. After finishing this quarter, I will have 3 quarters of classes I will have to take, on top of having to prepare my first real major endeavor; my Thesis project. I also have no idea what I want to write/direct for my Directing 2 class, AND I have to start writing my feature. I have a plan, you see, a plan to try and make myself stand out from the crowd, not that I don’t already. I just have to be keen on what I’m trying to make, because based on it, I could possibly get a REAL JOB directing a film. It has to be good though, REAL GOOD, and I don’t want to rush that.
I’m truly very tired. It’s not easy trying to coupe with all these different things going on in my head. I still don’t have a girlfriend, and I finally came out with that on Facebook. The response was that everyone already knew, which kind of made me feel like shit. I just felt like I was beating around the bush I guess. It’s not easy talking about stuff like that. Everyone asks me about it. Hell, the Gay Hairdresser who cut my hair today said, “We’ll get you a girlfriend.” It’s the last thing I want to think about, but one of the biggest things on my mind.
I was driving a friend to Chinatown earlier, talking about this, and he said that myself being in a relationship, or finding validation in others, is not the key to happiness, and I totally agree. But my problem is that I have NO IDEA what being in a relationship is like. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I don’t think I’m looking for validation as much as I’m looking for confidence. I already follow the beat of my own drum, but in that department, I’m still having a lot of trouble. It’s really the only thing left as far as what I could want in my life right now. Alas, it is not meant to be, as I have tried, but I have failed, at least for the moment. I suppose my day will come sooner than later, but being almost 25 is a bitch. To me, it’s humiliating. I know that a lot of people have died not ever experiencing feelings for another, but I’m not one of those people.
Anyway, back to the main part of this: my break. I’m taking a quarter off this coming spring, a period of roughly 3 months or so, give or take. In this time, I plan on doing 3 separate things:
Get back on a diet, exercise, and lose weight
Write my scripts every day
Move out of my current apartment into new digs
The last one is particularly important because the place I live in now has turned into a real shithole since I moved here. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been more disgusted by its state than usual, and that’s saying something.
But yes, finally, I have accepted that I need to get my shit together, again. I guess everything happens in cycles, and that’s fine by me. I just wish that I could have gotten a kick in the ass sooner. Hopefully, my break will be the respite I need to keep on trekking.
I know y’all like my writing, but I think that I might take a break for a while with these types of posts. I’m probably going to stick more to funny/cool pictures with witty responses like I always do. That being said however, I do like to write, so I’m sure the occasional post will come up here and there.
Well, that’s all for now. I hope the New Year has been treating you well so far.
People of Earth,
I come bearing gifts!
Actually, it’s more like information based on what’s going on in my life, but you know… Same kind of thing… Maybe… Well, not really.
You’re not getting that cookie basket, I can tell you that.
Currently, I am dealing with a lawsuit that I can’t tell anyone about because it sucks, and I don’t want to but, of course, I can’t HELP but be forced into these stupid situations, so I just have to say “what the fuck” and bite the bullet. So that’s one thing.
The other thing is my classes. Oh boy, my classes. 3 of them are sweet, and 1 of them really sucks. I’m talking like, I have to be up in 7 hours kind of suck. The kind of suck that involves not having done most of the work because it’s not due till the end and I might actually fuck it up kind of suck. The good news is that I passed my last quarter with flying colors, so maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. But when you take a midterm at 9 am, all essay questions, and in cursive, with a teacher who’s a certifiable DICK (and will tell you so himself), it’s hard to laugh at the situation, or wonder if you’re just in the line of a speeding train. You know, that kind of shit.
I’ve been playing LOTS of videogames. No, I don’t feel like I’m wasting my life. Yes, I love them. No, I don’t care what you think. I’ve been doing this for years, and I have no intention of ever fully growing up. I think that since games hit the mainstream, it doesn’t really matter if I tell everyone I play videogames. The majority of people I know either play them, or they know about them. I feel like the previous generation sometimes views them in a more negative light because they don’t understand them. My mom thinks I spend too much time “alone”, but technically, I’m just “isolating” myself because I’m afraid of the world outside my door. Hopefully you caught that sarcasm. If you didn’t, you should kill yourself. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh…
Speaking of harsh, it seems my confidence is finally breaking through, so I have opened the flood gates to being a bit of a dick. That’s not to say I’m still not the nice, lovable Henry I was before; I’m just an upgraded, enhanced model version, updated with the latest firmware patches to compensate for my ill mentality. I don’t even think about the past anymore. My mind is too much in the present, and maybe a bit in the future. I use the lessons of the past to get by, like I always have, and I don’t forget, I just try not to remember the context in a negative life. Things are much easier for me socially. Everyone genuinely likes, and respects me, and are quite open about it, which is rare for me. It is hard for me to accept that people like me for who I am, but I’m finding out it’s because I haven’t liked myself for so long. I feel completely, mentally calm.
I will say this though; I still feel like my creativity is down the toilet a bit lately. I haven’t had any particularly good ideas. I’ve been so busy focusing on my school, social outings, and videogames, that I haven’t really put anything down for a while. That’s kind of why I’m writing this. I still want to express myself, but I’m finding it hard to have the time. Things move so quick, and I’m busy. Life never stops, but I don’t want it to pass me by. I don’t think it will, but I worry sometimes. I don’t want 20 years to go by and feel like I have accomplished nothing. I’m overthinking this…
Anyway, overall, life is pretty decent. I just take it day by day, like always, making mental notes, or just trying to remove wrenches from the cogs. One day at a time.
Time of your life, eh, kid?
The Anti-Narcissist aka Another Depressing Post
Dammit. God fucking dammit.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why do I make myself feel like such utter horseshit? Berate, punish, humiliate, denigrate, manipulate… Everything pointed at me. Me, me, me. It’s all I fuckin’ talk about anymore. And I fuckin’ hate myself. So every vile emotional spewing is always directed at the person causing all of it.
Just me, myself, and I. Me, me, me.
I’m the complete opposite of my incarcerated father. All he saw was good things in himself, and terrible things in others. All I see in myself are the terrible things, and I see all the good things in others. I wonder what that says about me? That I’m humble? Or that I care too much? I can’t tell. I just know it started back in High School, when things were so bad at home that I focused on other people’s worries, and they became my own. I’ve helped a lot of people, and I rarely, if ever, ask for help. I need it the most, but no one sees it because I don’t want them to know that I suffer. I don’t want others to suffer as I have. I don’t want them to go through what I went through.
I tell people what they don’t want to hear, or I sugarcoat what I’m saying enough so that they’re willing to swallow it. I offer advice, but it’s on you to take it. When something goes wrong, and they didn’t listen, it happens just as I predicted. It scares me sometimes because I am that smart that I can see past the things others can’t. But no one understands it. They just look at me with their mouths agape, like I’m speaking another fuckin’ language.
I have a hard shell, but I’m a big softy. I let people see only what I want them to see, which is always me, but it depends on how far I’m willing to pull the curtain back. I reveal a lot, so people don’t ask questions, but it allows me to keep my deep, dark secrets at bay. I don’t like holding on to them as much as anyone, but EVERYONE has them. EVERYONE.
Sure, I had a couple of beers before I wrote this, and maybe I’m being melodramatic (wouldn’t be the first time), but I’m just sick of feeling like I can’t say what I really want to say. That I’m so broken over the fact I haven’t been in a relationship, that I’m fat, that I hold on to such dark thoughts, that I feel like I’m imploding in on myself, that I’m alone 90% of the time but don’t want to be, that I’m afraid, that I’m getting sued, that I’m constantly living in fear…
I have stability, but it’s not the stability I want. It’s not the stability I crave. Why? I don’t know. When you’ve moved as many times as I did, you end up not wanting to stay in the same place for too long. It plays tricks on your mind. Makes you think all the wrong thoughts, and put yourself in all the wrong positions. It’s retarded psychological bullcrap, but it’s true.
So here I sit, alone, on my computer, click-clacking away on the keyboard, trying to tell people how I feel, but most of it falling on deaf ears. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. But I don’t know how to get myself out of here. I don’t know how to motivate myself.
I want to believe, but all I see is fantasy. Where is my reality?
Sand in the Vaseline
Why do I feel so out of place? So tortured by my own self? Angry to the point of exploding bouts of rage? Upset that I can’t find love?…
It’s a constant struggle. Same shit, different day. Half of it is bullshit, and the other half is just shit.
I never thought I’d be here, like this, in this place. I thought by now, I’d be a success, with lots of money, women, and all the happiness I could ever want. But its not to be. I sit in my apartment, alone, isolated, and unchanged. Sure, I’m going to school, and I have friends, but I don’t let anyone get close enough to really make them see what lies beneath. I put on a superficial front of happiness, while I rip myself to shreds on the inside. I can’t even talk to women all that well, as friends yes, but as something more, never. I’m an unbalanced, awkward fool that hates himself, but only wants to be himself. A walking contradiction. A callous abscess. A beast of burden, but only to myself.
I wish it weren’t this way. I wish I didn’t hide myself away from it all, living in fear. I change with the world, but that change never gives me the closure I seek. All the medication, therapy, and talking can’t change the fact that, though I’m not alone, I FEEL alone. My struggles are my own, and no one gives a fuck. I know that’s the truth, and I’m okay with that, but it still hurts. The pain is just too much, and I’m getting tired of it. It’s an old habit, a routine, one that will destroy me if I let it.
I’m falling once again into darkness, a pit that I’ve crawled out of more times than I can count on my hands, but I don’t know if I can make it out alone this time.
I just want to feel some kind of satisfaction for once, to know that I mean something to myself, not just to other people. I know a lot of people care about me, but the lack of caring for myself is what makes it a problem. But the other issue is that I’m being told to do so many different things, sending me off in different directions… I can’t follow them all, but I get the overwhelming feeling that they won’t help me, nor cure my mental ailment. I genuinely appreciate all the help, but it does nothing to ease my pain. It masks it.
And that’s what I’m always doing. Wearing different masks. Just like my fuck up of a father before me. I’m trying to break the pattern, but the pattern is creeping up on me. I hurt on the inside. External pain is nothing.
At this point, I feel that this will pass, as everything does, but what if it doesn’t? What if I keep complaining about the same things? Never finding a solution? What if I am stuck in a tormented haze for the rest of my life, unwilling to find a proper way to cope?
I’ve been sober over a month. I thought it would help, and it has, but its also made things worse in the process. It’s made me look at myself more deeply than I wished, and just recognize my flaws that much more. How much time I’ve wasted, how I’m not so young as I once was, and that my life means nothing to my family.
I’ve tried to be a good man, but even with all that good karma, my life has been filled with sadness, loss, hatred, betrayal, and darkness. I just wish it could all be over, not at the end of a noose, but at the end of a sentence.
Maximus the Merciful
It’s weird to feel nothing and everything all at once.
Sure, I feel numb, but I also feel renewed. This weekend helped me to remember, but also to forget.
I didn’t think about almost anything on the way. A 5 hour drive with a playlist of all my favorite current songs playing. The Mojave Desert. Lone Pine. Bishop. Finally, Mammoth Lakes.
California has been my home for many years, but I had never undertaken such a lengthy drive into unknown territory. Granted, I spent time in Mammoth during my tumultuous youth, but it was not to my liking. I am not fond of the cold, the elevation makes me sick, and I get really bored. Luckily, none of those things happened when I was up there, and the drive up was nice. It felt good to get out of the muck and heat of the naked city.
I don’t get to see my sister often. She’s busy at NYU, trying to finish school. She will graduate this next year, majoring in economics. It’s strange that she and I will be graduating the same year, but on opposite coasts, her in the summer, and I in the fall. I don’t feel intimidated by this as I once did, for I realize now that I am more suited to the college atmosphere than I would have been in years prior. It’s just strange to think that I have been attending this school for over a year and a half.
Anyway, she is doing okay. I met her boyfriend of 9 months for the first time. He was pretty great. I’m glad to see her with someone stable and intelligent for once, as she tends to hide her emotions away, unlike yours truly. She and I have always been on juxtaposing sides, but we have both shared similar experiences. We don’t always see eye to eye, but we try to keep things light due to not wanting to bring up the past.
However, this weekend, the past reared it’s ugly head once again, as it always does. On Friday night, I had drank a significant amount of alcohol. I was sharing a room in the condo with my mom, and we started to argue about things past and present. At some point, I don’t remember when, I began to weep. But this was not a normal weep, this was a purging kind of weep. For an hour, I cried, my mom holding me, and trying to help explain why I felt the way I did. Despite her erratic behavior, the woman has done her research, and I was told a few things that I had not been made aware of concurrently. I don’t remember all of it, but I do feel much lighter, emotionally speaking.
On Saturday, I took a 2 hour hike with the 2 of them, heading up to Minaret Vista. It was a glorious sight. I had not been near nature in a long time, and it was marvelous to see that there are still parts of this Earth left untouched by man, that hold beauty beyond that of civilization. It was eye-opening, but it was also humbling. To say Mammoth looks like Skyrim would be rather accurate believe it or not, though no snow covered the ground or mountains when I was there. It also marked one of the first times I have not complained on such a venture, in fact, I was willing to be compliant to this cause.
However, on Sunday, that changed a bit. My mom rustled in her bed all night, causing me massive lack of sleep. I awoke early that morning hoping to hike around Convict Lake, and I was promised a hearty breakfast beforehand. This was not to be. Being impatient, my mother and sister decided that we should not dine at the breakfast place, and rather, go to the lake to dine instead. I remarked that, though I was upset, I would be satisfied if they had breakfast there. When we got there, it was clear, but my breakfast was not to be. I was furious.
Now, to some, it might seem petty that I would get so upset over not being able to get breakfast, but then you wouldn’t understand that I don’t normally eat breakfast at all. I skip it and go directly to lunch because I am usually not up early enough in the morning to retrieve it. When I am promised breakfast, I consider it a big deal because that means Eggs, Sausage, Bacon, Pancakes, Coffee, Orange Juice… I love breakfast. When that promise is broken because of foolish impatience, I lose my temper, as I did.
I had to physically leave the restaurant to calm myself down due to my anger. I didn’t scream or yell, as my anger tends to boil over time, rather than just exploding all at once. It grows, and the smaller eruptions release some of the tension, but not all of it. I am rarely angry to this extent, but it was also supplemented by the fact that my mother had made me a promise, and broke it. It brought up all the times this had happened, inherently causing a pseudo-meltdown. I didn’t even get to hike around the lake because clouds blew over, and began to pour rain down into the area. I was not happy.
Finally, it was time to leave, and I hit the road again. Despite taking me only 4 1/2 hours, which is amazing considering it was a 300 mile drive, it was brutal. People in California don’t know how to drive, or what they’re doing half the time they’re driving. They are ignorant, reckless, and self-concerned beyond all hell. It makes me wonder if the accident rate will go up in the near future just because of the sheer stupidity of it all. I would go into details about this, but I do not feel the need to do so. Let’s just say that I was so frustrated when I got home, I thought I was going to kill someone, and that’s not normal for me.
Ultimately, I don’t regret my decision to head up to the mountains. As with anything, you have to take the good with the bad, the yin with the yang. I definitely feel more clearheaded, but I also feel a bit more confused. I look at myself in the mirror, and I recognize the face, but I don’t know the person behind it anymore. This has happened once before, and it will always continue to happen, but I am quite sick of being in the middle of transitional states. Riding the line is difficult, and though I do it well, I just want to be on one side or the other. I’m tired of this meandering.
I suppose only time will tell, but for now, I remain as I always have; here, there, and everywhere.
Why I do what I do
It’s almost 3 am. It’s too hot to sleep. I keep thinking about this girl.
It’s the perfect time to get something off my chest.
Recently, I’ve had some personal friends of mine follow me on here, and yet I continue to type out how I feel about my situations in the way I know best: By being my honest, true self.
But some people might be wondering, ‘Why would you put such details out for everyone to see? Aren’t you worried about the repercussions? That it might get back to you in the future?’
I’m not afraid of how I feel. I’m not afraid to tell people how I feel, friend or foe. I’m not afraid of being myself, even if that means alienating others. I’m not afraid of the past catching up with me.
I’ve lived the majority of my life in fear. Fear of failing, of rejection… It’s all relative. Saying what I believe, whether or not it’s what everyone wants to hear, is more important. My past has caught up with me, in one way or another. I live it every day, but I don’t fear it like I once did. I accept it. I try and understand it so that I don’t make those same mistakes, listen to those false prophets, or those who would seek to use me. I understand that that was then, and this is now. This is who I am at this moment, and even if I’m different, or think differently 10, 15, 20 years down the line, I have to accept that this is who I was at the time. That is what gives me peace.
Everything changes, for better or worse. I go with the change. I only force change when it is something that I truly want for myself, and not for anyone else. It’s not worth it. I changed for people before, but it never made me happy, in fact, it made my existence a living hell.
I don’t think so far ahead into the future. Like everyone, I have plans. I want to travel, I want to do things, have new experiences, and learn as much as I can. But those are long-term goals, not something that will effecting me in the next 5 minutes. I don’t want my future to always be preplanned, predestined. I want to live in the moment, as I see fit. I want to experience joy, pain, and every other emotion when it happens, not know that it’s going to occur. Surprise is part of the beauty of living, even when it’s not a good one. For all I know, I could drop dead in 2 days, or 70 years. But why should I worry about that now?
In terms of regrets, I have many. More than I can count on one hand, shit, even two. I feel bad about them, but I don’t let those regrets rule my life. I don’t let them wash over me like they once did, destroying facets of my being, and causing me enumerable amounts of pain. Regrets are part of life. We all have them, and we can’t escape them, so why try? The key is to appreciate that you are not perfect. No human is. Perfection is boring, and it leads to anonymity. It becomes routine.
In finality, I write what I write because it’s how I feel. My personal truth is not just mine, it’s everyone’s. I share it because I know that others feel like I do. They go through good times and bad, they live, they experience, they understand. I am here to help you understand by allowing you to look through my lens. To see the world as I do, imperfections and all.
Let go, and live.