Proof that I have awesome friends
My friend took time out of his day to come talk to me after seeing all my tweets, and he put it all in perspective for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and not only that, he was right.
You can’t buy friendship like that, nor should one squander it away. I am now going to consider him one of my closest friends, though we were already pretty close. I owe him tremendously after what he did.
Sometimes, I don’t feel like people care about me, and I get down on myself, and desperate. But honestly? People do care about me. A lot. I need to remember that, and know that when I fall, they will be there to catch me or help me see what I was missing.
I thought I was done. I was wrong.
The Death of the King
@DarksideLawyer left Twitter, and I am heartbroken.
I was entirely too busy the past few days helping my friends on their shoot for The Facelifter, doing behind the scenes documentary footage and until about 40 minutes ago I was just treating this as business as usual.
But I logged on to Twitter to the horror that my friend, my compatriot, a brother-in-arms had left for a bright future on Tumblr. I was devastated, and in response, my tweets in the past hour have been very sad.
I understand his decision, I accept it, and I respect it, but nothing will ever be the same.
There was no one on Twitter like @DarksideLawyer, and there never will be. His account was too great, too genius, and always, ALWAYS entertaining. Humor aside, his opinions on life are much like my own. Sarcastic, Self-Critical, Understanding, and True. There are few people I have ever met with such qualities, let alone someone I have never met directly face to face. There are truly few humans I can think of where my respect for them is undeniable and I would fight and die by their side with Honor and Glory. He is one of those few.
The two of us met randomly a few years back when he said, “I don’t know if I should follow you, but I’m thinking about it.” Since then, we have shared laughs, stories, interest, and intrigue together. He helped me realize who I really was without even meeting me in person, and I can’t thank him enough for all he’s done since. If not for some of his encouragement, I don’t think I would be in such a great position as I am now.
No, there will never be another @DarksideLawyer. Even if he doesn’t realize it, he’s a hero in my eyes, and always will be. I haven’t even met this man, and he has changed my life. He is the only proof I need that there are still good people left in this world. No, there will never be another @DarksideLawyer.
Times change, people change, and situations are always changing. We all have our falls, our ups and downs… Moments when we lack confidence, feel like the world is out to get us… When we lose control, and let go. The truth always remains that one single decision can change everything.
At the end of the day, the realization comes, and a new dawn rises. Nothing will be the same.
Mr. Darkside, you are a God among men, and though you will sorely missed on Twitter(admittedly I’ve already had a few tears already), I understand your greater need for expression. I hope that you would let me pick up where you left off with my retort, “I don’t know if you should follow me either, but you can try.”
What’s the difference between me and you?
So I got tweeted by Tim Roth or @TimRothLieToMe as he’s known, and I was SUPER HAPPY! I love Tim Roth. I seriously do have kind of a man-crush on him, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve always liked him, especially more recently for Lie to Me, which I am a HUGE fan of. But then something odd happened.
One of my fellow tweeters started hating on Tim Roth. I didn’t appreciate it, as I was SO happy that I had finally gotten tweeted by him that I got angry at my fellow tweeter.
Honestly? Why would you do that? Why not respect the fact I got tweeted by him? Are you jealous or something? I know I’m not. I’ve been trying to get Tim Roth to tweet me for a long time, you can see that if you look on my list, but he finally did! After weeks!
So yeah, I got pissed, but I warned him to stop, even though I knew he was joking, but it wasn’t funny at that point. I was polite, I tried reasoning with him, but he kept acting stupid. So I walked away, and I blocked him. I respectfully told him that I need to be the bigger man, and not feed into his shit. When I tell you “No” I MEAN “No”.
Sure, I hate on Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, and Twilight all the time, and yes, I have picked on one or two of the fans, but this was unacceptable. You don’t have to like Tim Roth, but respect the fact I like him! I’m not some stalker superfan you know! I have a life, I’m getting ready to go to Film School, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Let me have my guilty pleasures. I might hate on Justin Bieber, but I know and respect people who like him. I just don’t talk about him when I’m around them. THAT’S IT.
I am not what I am expected to be
I am who I am, and I accept this with full responsibility and capability, despite the consequences, through each sacrifice, through each challenge. I will always be held accountable for the things I say and do, and I will always be a few steps ahead of where you think I am.
The problem with acceptance is that you have to give up yourself to the universe instead of trying to fight it the whole way. Through good times, and bad, you see the world as it truly is at that moment, rather than trying to see it the way you WANT to see it.
Thinking that you can bullshit someone just to get in with a crowd, or get in to something is fine, but do you feel good about it at the end of the day? Do you really believe that that’s where you belong? Why put yourself in a group you have little in common with than find a community where you feel appreciated, even respected?
Respect is commanded when you Respect WHO YOU ARE, not what you’re trying to be. Respect comes from when you show people your true colors with no expectations of how or what they are willing to think. True respect is when you don’t need to show people, you just are.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re short or tall, Black or White, Fat or Skinny… Respect is mutual across all realms, but only with acceptance and respect for yourself.
It’s important when having that mutual respect for others to be without bias, without hate, and trying not to use someone JUST for what they can provide. The benefits of mutual respect are limitless, but if you limit your respect for another, you limit yourself entirely. It doesn’t matter if they’re not as smart as you, don’t dress the same, have a different background… What matters is trying to look at it from where they’re coming from, not just putting YOUR perspective on things.
True greatness comes from emotionally connecting with someone on a level of mutual, honest, unbias respect, and respect for yourself. Acceptance and Truth are the same thing, just different in the way they are established and shown.
Don’t lie to yourself. Be who you are, and let other people be who they’re going to be. For some, ignorance is bliss, for others, like myself, the truth is what I seek, though it is a much harder road.
Don’t be the dictator of your mind, be the liberator of your soul.
The Hand That Feeds
I woke up this morning in a state of disarray and shock. I dreamed that I was talking to my best friend on the phone while vomiting/spitting up blood over the toilet bowl. It kept going and going, and I thought I was going to die. I thought that because I had smoked so much, I had gotten internal bleeding in my lungs and my capillaries were closing and/or swollen. But then, when I was about to pass out, I woke up in my bed, covered in a cold sweat. It was just a dream, breathe Henry, breathe.
It put the fear of God in me. I am convinced that it was my psyche telling me something, something that I needed to experience in order to understand something. I talked to one of my newer followers on twitter, TilWeKielOver (she’s awesome btw), and she said it might have been me purging the toxicity and emotions I had over my father, a representation of removing him from my life. She might be right. For a long time, I was holding so much in against him, it built up, and I finally let the floodgates open this past week. It was spreading so much that it was like a Cancer, creeping into my very being. If I hadn’t done it when I did, I might have exploded unexpectedly, and I would have become just like my father, the very thing I have fought not to be.
We are our own worst enemy.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Nine Inch Nails lately, hence the title of this post, and I can understand the pain that Trent Reznor has gone through, even if I have not experienced it for myself. His music comes from a dark place within his very soul, a torrent of anger, lust, pain, hate, agony, and self-deprecation. I really appreciate the music now more than ever. It is helping me to remove the demons, to remind myself that I have control. I never really listened to NIN before these last few weeks, though I completely enjoyed The Social Network soundtrack (Oscar and Grammy worthy in my humble opinion). I guess I am just naturally progressing in my musical tastes as I always have, looking to go deeper, and explore.
You see, I am open to new ideas as I am to new experiences, tastes, and cultures. I appreciate each thing for what it is instead of just treating it as if it was wrong, scoffing at it for not being what I like. Even if I see flaws, I accept them, and I embrace them, for nothing in this world is perfect, no matter how much we want it to be, and this is coming from someone who considers themselves a perfectionist. I can’t always get exactly what I want, but I try, and most of the time that effort allows me to succeed. In the times it doesn’t, I learn from my mistakes, and I move forward. Life does not stop for one man, nor shall it EVER stop for one man.
This relates to the other night, when someone commented on a friend of mine’s post, and said that she was wrong about this, that, and the other. Is it wrong to have a varying opinion than someone else? Is it so wrong to have your own opinion? Respect is the key word here. Whether we like it or not, we will not always agree, but we can discuss, and compromise. It’s people like that someone that give me pause, and make me scared for the future. I am rare because I am so open. I say what I think, even if it costs me dearly because, as they say, the truth will set you free.
I cannot express how important it is that we try and understand the differences between us, and that we accept each other for our good qualities as much as our flaws. It is difficult, but compromise is always possible given the right circumstances. The choices we make, we, as a whole, that effect the greater good. It’s not one person, for one person can change the lives of many, but they cannot change the world without the whole behind them.
In passing, do we bite the hand that feeds us? Do we place blame on others when we have as much blame as they do, if not more so? We need to realize that nothing will ever get done if we just sit around all day and point fingers at each other. We need action, not thoughtless action, but we need some kind of movement forward. I know I do.
I got problems yo, but that ain’t stoppin’ me…
Been a while since I decided to write a little bloggity bloggity blu, so I figured I would talk a little bit about my current situation heading into the beginning of 2011;
The last 12 months of my life have been hellish to say the least. My Dad went to jail, I’ve been on a downward spiral since my Film School ambitions fell through, and I’m ultimately pessimistic about the state of 2010 in general. I’m here to tell you that it was worth it.
Why was it worth it? Struggle is a constant in all facets of life, whether it happens for a day, a week, a month, a year… There will always be bad things that happen, and things that we want, we won’t always get, even if we want them with all of our being. The key to overcoming problems is first ACCEPTING the issue. This is why 95% of people are depressed and upset to begin with, THEY DON’T ACCEPT THE PROBLEM!
Solutions to problems present themselves to those looking for them instead of worrying about it all the time. As someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know how tough it is to NOT worry about everything, but worrying about the little things will get you nowhere. The big picture is the most important thing. We tend to get so wrapped up in all of the details that we don’t take a breath and look at the state of things as a whole. Are you still alive? Are you in decent health? Do you have friends and loved ones? We forget that these things should be priority #1 above anything else.
I have been unemployed for the last year and a half, unable to find a job, and unable to really figure out where I’m going, or where I’m headed. I’m lonely, I’m upset, and I have a lot on my mind, but I accept all of this, and know that if I keep pushing forward, these problems will gradually solve themselves, or slip away entirely.
My twitter is a good example of how I have kept myself stable. By sharing myself, and my opinions with the world, without bias towards others, with mutual respect and kindness, I feel that I have opened doors for myself that would not have if I had remained in my ignorance. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I hadn’t reached out. Remember, no matter how insignificant something may seem at the time, it could change someone’s life. As Buddha said, “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are both true and kind, they can change our world.” This is a mantra I never forget.
I cannot thank my friends and family enough for their love and support, and to my new friends, I want to let you know that even if you think you haven’t made an impact, you have. We are all connected, even when we’re not, and if we don’t think so.
So what have I learned this year? That life gives you things and takes other things away, that karma and consequence are always in play, that destiny and manifest destiny are one in the same, that time is constantly moving forward, and ultimately that things change with or without us.
As a neutral being, I will keep doing what I do best, and that’s moving forward. It’s all I can, and will ever do, no matter how much things change directly, or indirectly for me.
Live your life. Love your life. Respect your life.