Maybe I’m amazed…
I don’t know how I feel about shit these days. It’s all moving so fast, and it feels kind of shitty in some ways.
I still don’t have a girlfriend, I’m still doing well in my classes, I’m still being me… But something feels like it’s missing. The girlfriend part would be the culprit, but I really don’t think that’s it.
I feel like part of myself has gotten lost in the equation, like a minor stroke has effected my brain, making me think differently than I ever have before…
Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe I’m accepting that I am who I am, that my position may not be as apt as I would like, but here’s where I stand.
I wonder though… Why now? Why not earlier? Why not when I was in a better mood? I have no answers.
The infallible idea I cannot escape from is my own personal identity, for better or worse. People question why I think I’m so weird, off-kilter, or crazy. I don’t act like it, and I try not to look the part. I suppose it deviates from the past, and the lack of confidence that lead to strong ideas being implanted in my head from an early age. I truly hate my family for the most part… It seems as though they are the crazy ones, not I. Ironic.
It’s sad really, to have to deal with an existential crisis when you could care less about your well-being. It just bogs things down… Makes it harder to say what I think, and when I do have something to say, it comes out garbled… Broken. Self-loathing.
I’m too hard on myself. I know this. I’m only human. But I have standards. And those standards have standards. So on, and so forth.
I’m a fucking puzzle box. I don’t even know how to crack my own code. It’s killing me inside. I just want to find that missing piece. I just want to feel like I’m whole. That I have something to live for, something to die for. Film? That’s just a facet, though a major one. Maybe I don’t know anymore. Maybe I want something different. Maybe I want something I can’t have yet, or won’t try to get because of fear. Rejection. Madness.
Maybe I’m not making sense. Maybe I don’t care about making sense. Maybe making sense is the reason why I’m so blinded by my own self-doubts. What am I? Who am I? Am I even worth the effort?
I’ve had an emotional crisis all day today, actually a number of crises to be exact.
My mom was around as I had to prepare certain legal documents for another items that wasn’t my doing…
I suppose the past crept up on me so much that I started to lose focus of myself… I wanted to much to be everyone’s go-to-guy, but I realize that I can’t be Superman…
I want to meet my needs, but I also want to meet the needs of others when requested. It’s part of the balancing act.
This is not all I have a problem with, however.
I’m gonna be 24 in less than 3 months, yet I feel 24 already, and I’m dealing with a personal crisis.
As much as I hate to admit this, it’s on the pseudo-‘romantic’ front of my life, and my failures in this, and my general feeling of impotence… It’s overwhelming. I’m letting my thoughts get the better of me, spending a lot of time alone, and without anyone’s solid, solitary advise.
Most people are fucking stupid, I’m just going to be honest. Most of you probably don’t have a fucking clue what I’m going through, how I got here, and why I’m having so much trouble. I am sensitive to everything I do, every step I take, and everything that has been, or will be said. You haven’t experienced life as I have, and I probably haven’t seen it the way you are now. Advise is good, but without legitimate understanding, you have no clue as to the amount of pressure I put on myself… The suffering I allow to take control…
I’m tired, I’m weakened, and I’m lonely. I’m searching for something I haven’t found yet, and my expectations are too high, not just for myself, but of what is to come. For a realist, this is a problem. Optimism is fine, but if it is spread too thin, and we believe too wholly into it, then we fall, as I am now.
I let my emotions, my ideas, my feelings, get in the way of what was important, and I’m letting it get in the way of what IS important. I want to focus, but for once, I truly need a break. I’m tired, and I’m suffering for it.
Truth be told, I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, or where the hell I’m gonna go, but I need to let some shit go if I’m ever going to reach my destination, and I’m starting today.