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Jump off the end.
The water’s clear and innocent…
There’s not as much on my mind as I’d be willing to admit. I haven’t posted anything lately because… Well, when you don’t have anything to talk about, especially for someone like me, it’s hard to jump back into it.
I guess there are a few things that have been bugging me. Scratch that, there’s always something bugging me. It’s just a matter of how much.
First things first;
I think I’m in love with a girl who has a boyfriend. I’m not sure if I LOVE love her, but I find myself drawn to her, and I feel that she is drawn to me. This places a big conundrum on me because I have morals. I am not someone who wants to try and break something up, nor cause trouble or emotional damage, but in this case, I can’t help myself. There’s something about her. Sure, she’s gorgeous, but it’s who she is that I’m drawn to. The good looks are a bonus. Whenever we talk, I feel like we’re connected, and despite not being around her all too often, I feel like we are close, that I can open myself up to her, show her who I am, without fear of being judged or ridiculed. When I see her, I can’t help but feel good. I don’t know if she feels the way I do, but I sense that there is something between us besides being friends. I’m not the most handsome dude, but I think she doesn’t care, and that makes me feel more confident to be me. I don’t know what the next step is, but I plan on hanging out with her soon, one on one. Even if things don’t turn out as I hope, I still feel I’ll get a very close friend. For me, this is a win-win scenario.
I haven’t really thought about women nearly as much as I normally do. Maybe this a consequence of confidence, and wanting to be a better man for my sake, not anyone else’s.
Speaking of which; I have stopped smoking pot. This is a huge step for me because I have smoked myself to the point of oblivion this past year and a half, drowning out my sorrow in a cloud of haze. A few weeks back, I came to the realization that it was hurting me more than it was helping me, where as in the past, I was not as effected by it, but soon, the habit began to become an addiction. It was after visiting with a close friend of mine, and him saying I was an “asshole” when I was high that made the cogs start to turn in my head, to bring myself back from the brink, and to rebuild myself. The last 4 days have been spent entirely on change for me. I got a haircut, I cleaned my apartment, and I began reading again. I have lived with this for too long, and at some point, I would have fallen apart, but it would have been my own doing, not that of anyone else. I am willing to admit that the self-medication masked the pain, but it could not hide it. The only way I’m going to feel better is if I’m not predicated to living by the ebbs and flows of a plant. I love it still, but I will not sacrifice myself, or my future, or any of my relationships for it. This is where the boy becomes a man. This doesn’t mean I won’t do it in the future, but it will be way less frequent. With my prescription being up, I currently have no real way to get it legally anyway, so I have forced myself into a corner with this issue. Like I said before, I did this for me, not anyone else. I wanted this. I saw that my self-destructive behavior would destroy me if I did not resist. I won’t give in.
Turning 24 helped me realize how fucking dumb I’ve acted… The misery I’ve caused myself, the loneliness, the ostracization…
No, I will not turn in on myself anymore. If I want to fix something, I have to do it. I can’t just wait for it to come my way. I had to learn this on my own.
Whether it be fate, destiny, or otherwise, something within me is telling me to quit while I’m ahead. I cannot rest on my laurels any longer, living in the dark. I must rise, much like Batman, and I must become the man I wanted to be for so long. I must take it for myself.
I’m not afraid anymore.
- H
Team Headband no longer.