I’m shaking because Batman was too f*cking good…
If you’re not seeing it, what the fuck it wrong with you?
It makes anything Marvel look like a pisspoor effort.
Nolan is a Cinema God.
I will have a full review soon, after I stop hyperventilating from all the AWESOME.
I saw Magic Mike…
…And it was pretty good.
I went with my friend. She had fun too.
I didn’t mind the asscheeks so much.
Haters Gonna Hate.
Happy 4th of July, America!
Kill those Commie sunsabitches!
AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!
Audio! Video! Disco!
2 weeks until the big 2-4. Damn. I feel like I’m getting old.
I always feel like shit around my birthday, mostly because I always want to do something fun, but it never pans out the way I want it to. It would also feel better if I could spend it without getting down on myself, wishing for something while the year has passed without it happening…
I digress, I think this year has been splendid so far, 2012 at least. 2011… Well, I lost my shit. I couldn’t remember who I was, and I brought myself back up, made myself reliable, understanding… I started down a path I intend to finish. On a professional level, my life is wowzers, but honestly, social stuff always wears me out. I want to be more sociable, I want to have friends, but I sometimes fear contact because I get the feeling they don’t like me, and I back away and into my shell; a mancave I call my domain. Maybe I’m just paranoid from all the weed I smoke, but I highly doubt that. It’s not like I can’t leave the house, or get food, I’m just crippled by the embarrassment of being.
Yes, you read that right: I’m embarrassed by myself. Granted, it’s mostly because I feel I look like some ancient man, angry, domineering… When I’m really as scared as a mouse on the inside. Maybe it’s just who I am, but I do fear my heart is growing colder with each passing day. I don’t know if I want understanding by my peers anymore, but I know that I want their acceptance. It is difficult to shove the past in a drawer, when all it wants to do is raise it’s ugly head back into my life.
24. Damn man. I used to think that was so old… Now I can see why. It’s strange knowing that you’re just marching forward, trying to look at what’s around the corner, stranger still, it’s knowing that something interesting is bound to happen. Whether that be good or bad is hard to say, but right now, as I’m writing this, I’m not thinking about that. I’m thinking about the present. The moment. It’s here.
Young White Overweight Male
So I feel like my project, despite my preparation and best efforts, was a bomb. I’m going to be taking a closer look at it tonight to try and salvage what I can, but unfortunately, it’s probably going to be garbage either way.
Why am I so easily admitting failure? Simple: Because it’s the truth.
I HATE the fact that what I shot is most likely shit, but at the end of the day, I have to accept the fact that it was my doing. That I lost faith in myself, even as I pressed on. It was a personal failure, as well as a professional one. Production problems aside, I was the one people had to put their trust in, and even though this was a school project, and my first time up at bat Directing, it was my fault it turned out the way it did.
I was so focused on getting it done… So focused on other things swirling around my head, that I forgot what I was doing, and I failed.
But I’m not crying over it. In fact, I’m kind of relieved it’s garbage. It was a better learning experience than anything for me, and it definitely taught me a few things for the future. I said to my friend yesterday, walking to school, “I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a director” to which he replied, “Why? Are you sure about that?” It reminded me that I’m learning… That it’s okay to fail, that failure in itself is the key to learning more about who you are as a person, and what you really want. Needless to say, despite his knowing of my stance, he was willing to lay down the fact that I shouldn’t be so hasty to judge myself, that my potential still exists, even if I’m not willing to look at it in the eye just yet.
I AM a Director. I know it in my heart. It’s what I want more than anything in the world, save for the love of a beautiful woman, but that’s besides the point. I cannot be deterred from my course just because I bit off more than I could chew. I forget that I’m still learning. I forget that I’m still learning to define who I am. I forget that my feelings of negativity stem from others, not myself, that they were implanted in my head from a young age, and are still effecting me, even at this very moment.
But I can’t forget my path. I can’t forget why I’m here, and what I want to make of myself. If I lose that, then I have truly failed.
My dreams are fraught with mixed emotions over conflicts of interest. Wanting something I feel I cannot have, but ultimately deserve. Feeling incomplete, but having a completeness in my thoughts and actions. Bringing myself down, when I should be bringing myself up.
My confidence is hard to gauge. I’m changing once again, and this time I feel it’s for the better. But will I learn to get over the past, and move on? To become the confident Dragon that burns within my soul? Or will I let it linger, festering within my character, letting it destroy me like an army of rampaging Orcs?
Only time will tell, but I know one thing for certain: I haven’t given up yet.
The Human Condition.
This week is the clusterfuck of all clusterfucks. Everything good, everything bad… It’s pretty much happened.
I started the week with a BANG, producing a short film on Tuesday morning from 2am to 11am. It was hellish, but went well overall. I don’t think I can complain too much about it since I have yet to see any of the footage, and I was more concerned about getting to bed. I slept 14 hours after that, so I’d say it went pretty well.
Yesterday was horseshit. One of my classmates didn’t have a single fucking person on his crew, and it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen performed. I had to do 5 different things at once, plus he didn’t have a fucking clue what he wanted going in. I know I might be a little harsh, but a project like this, you can’t fuck around. It’s how it goes. I take this shit seriously. I wish other people did, but I guess that’s how it goes.
Retarded Dystopian movies starring dead bitches don’t help my mood either.
And finally, last night, I wrote 4 1/2 pages of my first feature script. I didn’t feel the need to write more, even though I should have. I thought they were great. My teacher thought they were shit, but he and my classmates tried to help me. I was hurt because it was what I imagined in my head, but I guess that my vision isn’t always the best version of it. It still doesn’t feel too good.
Now? I’m reminiscing about not having a girlfriend, being a bit of a pervert, and accepting that I intentionally isolate myself in order to not get hurt because I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m also preparing for my first directing project in almost a year, which happens on this coming Wednesday.
I’m not stretching myself too thin anymore, but I’m still healing from stretching far beyond what I thought I could. It seems to me that for every good thing I do for someone else, a bad thing occurs to me personally. Why is this? Does the universe hate me so? I know I haven’t been great lately, but I try so damn hard…
I just wish that my efforts were rewarded with something more tangible, something less toxic, and something exciting to wrap around. I feel like I’m losing part of that spark that makes me me.
Maybe I’m just all balled up inside. Twisted, feeling under-appreciated, majorly hurt. Doesn’t matter how good things are going, I truly feel this way. What appears fine on the surface, isn’t necessarily what’s true deep within.
With my birthday around the corner, I have nothing planned, nothing to do, and everything I want to happen. I wish I didn’t feel like I was so alienated from my friends.
It all boils down to the question I always ask myself; Why is it I can save everyone else, but I can’t save myself?
All Business, No BS.
That’s my mentality these days.
It’s hard as a motherfucker to be honest to people all the time. Why? Because I hate admitting that I have flaws. In any case, everyone does. It’s the natural human reaction to things. Most people panic. I don’t because I just don’t have the time to give a fuck.
I had to drop out of one project already, and I may have to drop out of another. I’ve stretched myself too thin. Sometimes, shit like that happens. I think this is the first time I’ve ever really felt like my Dad, but I have the intelligence and emotional capacity to know that I have.
I try to be a good friend all the time and come through for people, but I do it more often than I’d like. This time, I’ve really pushed my own buttons enough so that I have next to no breathing room till the end of the month. I don’t want to do this again, but I know I’m going through a rough patch, and I know that it will.
It’s funny how things can be so good for me in the facet I’m least concerned about. I like floating because it means I’m established enough to know that my feet can stay off the ground for a little while. But now, it seems as though the Angels have shoved me back down to Earth.
Personally, my friends are cool people, but finding that something more with anyone at this point feels like a waste. I want to, BADLY, but I’m too shy, and I’m too fuckin’ preoccupied. I want a problem that I can’t fix, because I don’t want to have to fix anything. Sometimes a problem is perfect just the way it is, and that’s the goddamn truth.
I kind of wish I wasn’t the first to jump into battle because I’m always the first to get knocked down. As they say, ‘Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread.’
Overall, as with the entirety of my life, It’s layered. Like a big fuckin’ burrito. Complex, full of salsa, but also delicious. Too bad I’m at the biting part of it.
Needs more Hot Sauce.