An Update of Sorts: A Poem
This is a poem, though it may not seem
To be so much the cost of a dream
A cost so great, it breaks you down
But turn that smile upside-down
Frowns abound it sounds so bound
To make you cringe, to make you drown
To heal thy broken heart instead
Focus on getting ahead
'Believe in yourself', they say to me
Yet I do not know what they see
Maybe it’s the spark of hope
Or maybe it’s because I smoke too much dope
But I see the future coming to pass
I just don’t want a kick in my ass
Prophecies yet fulfilled, terms yet agreed
What is my most noblest deed?
To myself or others?
Call me a Sinner, and I’ll be your brother
I will not be forgotten, yet I wish to be pure
There is too much at stake to deny the allure
What sorrow shall suffer next?
Hopefully it’s something, I hope it’s the best
Inappropriate Circumstances Require Indirect Measures
Been a while since I posted a real, significant update, and I wanted to tell everyone what I’ve been up to, for those that care, or that don’t.
That’s actually the most significant thing. I’ve felt a lot of my insecurity slip away in the recent months, and I’m starting to care less and less about how other people view me. I’m just trying the hardest to be who I am, and for the first time EVER, I like him. I think he’s a swell guy, charismatic, and somewhat handsome. That’s a long way from overweight, depressing, and unsure. It’s really a change for the better.
Now, I don’t know if many of you remember, but my ‘dad’ is in jail, and has been for almost 3 years. I found out he was transferred to somewhere in Pennsylvania. It makes me glad he is away from me, but at the same time, he has moved closer to my sister who lives in NYC. He and her still talk on a regular basis, and it fears me that I will not be able to protect her anymore from him. I did it for a long time when we were younger, and I still have residual issues I’m working out from all of the emotional abuse, but I’m finding new reasons to keep fighting on every day, and most of it has started to slip away. Therapy has done wonders for me. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but I can’t complain at all. I’m relatively happy.
In other news, I have handed off my thesis script to a friend and fellow writer. I think she will bring fresh eyes to ‘Tripped Out’ going forward, and it will end up being something really spectacular (for 15 minutes). I will be putting up a Kickstarter early next year, so keep an eye out. I already have some people attached, and pre-production will begin as soon as the script is fixed. I’m having a meeting with her on Tuesday to discuss in further detail.
I still haven’t moved out of my apartment. I don’t really know why, but I kind of do. I’m lazy, but I need to feel somewhat comfortable to exist, and this apartment has more or less become comfortable to me. It’s not great, sure, but it’s not terrible either. It works for now. It won’t work forever.
Anyway, just wanted to spitball some of this at you. I haven’t really posted anything dark or disturbing on here for a long time, and I hope I don’t have to ever again. I plan on using that for my movies ;) haha
Thanks for following!
A Woman, A Gun, and A Noodle Shop. (Warning: Some Sexual Content)
I can’t believe how much I give, and how little I get in return. It’s fucking incredible to me. I open my heart, my mind, and what do I get? Jack-fucking-shit. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being abused. I’m tired of all these delusions warping my thinking. I’m tired of being empathic towards everyone. I’m tired of being so sensitive to the world around me. I’m tired of not knowing what love feels like…
I should really blame myself, but I really shouldn’t either. It’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I was brainwashed by my father, and emotionally abused and manipulated, and on the other hand, I haven’t done anything about my appearance lately. Truth is, I don’t think it’s either of those. I think it’s because every relationship I have ever had with any girl has been one of friendship.
I remember my first experience feeling any kind of attraction towards a woman. It was the Spring of 1997. My family and I were on vacation in Tuscany, Italy with family friends, who had rented a villa in the middle of the countryside. My family friends had brought along people unknown to me, but one I would soon see more of than I could imagine at the time.
One day, the sun was bright hot in that beautiful, blue sky. We all decided to go swimming. One of the friends, a model or actress of some kind, asked my mom if it was okay if she could swim topless. My mom said, “Sure”, and the woman did, and took a swim in the same pool I was in. It was the first time I had ever seen a pair of boobs (that I had known about of course). I just remember the feeling more than anything, like a rocket shot out of my pants. I wanted to get near them, squeeze them… It was like opening up a whole new world for me. I was 9.
I don’t know why it’s stuck with me for so long, that story. Maybe it’s because my fascination with the female figure developed from that moment. My lust permeating from that moment in time, trying to recapture that statuesque woman, baring her bosoms with pride, and my adolescent mind in awe of the sight.
Of course, I’ve seen plenty of women topless since, some close to me (but still at some distance), and some on my computer screen, but I’ve never really been able to get out any of my urges on someone else. It’s like a voice at the back of my head, my sexual being eating me alive from the inside out, wanting to get out, wanting to get out, wanting to get out from my body. It’s a virus, eating away at my cells, grinding me down into a mass of hormones and primal instinct. This might all sound a bit disturbing, but honestly, I’ve been repressing this so long that if I didn’t just say anything, my head would have exploded.
My 25th birthday is coming up in less than 1 month, and I want to get laid. That’s my goal, and I’m gonna make it my goal, childish as it is. Hopefully with someone that I like. Even though I want a relationship as much as anything, I am down for sexual conquest in the mean time.
MerryQuill: A Poem
So, last night I got inspired to write some more poetry after watching a documentary about Charles Bukowski. I’ve always enjoyed poetry, and I think I’ll keep writing it, even if some of it is shitty, and it’s not really my main focus. I just like the feeling of being able to express myself in words rather than having to say things out loud. That’s probably why I like writing in the first place.
Anyway, here’s the poem:
The night is old, but I am young
Some half-wandered dream fills my head
Broken memories of the past
Rejection and Impurity
For are we not all fools?
We make our lives, but we share our experience
We see the beginning and the end
No matter how long
It takes us
Hope is a dirty word
Hope keeps us in line when we should only
Be thinking of ourselves
But we don’t give enough of ourselves to start
We don’t even give enough to fail
The falseness of this rotten shit
Is getting to be bullish
A fair assessment
A wish to spread the wings
Of glory, and fly
See the world anew
With open arms, and open eyes
Instead of this half smoked joint
This pain in my back
And the half-dead plant near the window
Breakout from the age of oppression!
But we’re only oppressing ourselves
There aren’t enough minds to feed all the brains
There aren’t enough stones to throw at the whore
Let he who is without sin stop lying to himself and everyone else
Let the virgin king have his reign
Lest he end up broken and forgotten
So instead of this crap
Our minds ingest
Why doesn’t someone think of something
The dog can’t have his day
Without learning a few new tricks
The need to be unburdened
Gratification in a bottle
Of substance abuse
Waiting to happen
The bastard’s dead
And so am I
Anyway, I hope you liked that shit. I might write some more sooner than later. I dunno. Whatever.
Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs aka Dig ‘Em the Frog is my best friend
Been a long time.
Let’s get down to business, shall we?
I have been at my school almost 2 years now, not stopping. It’s amazing how quickly time passes. Sometimes, I forget I’m alive, other days, I can’t feel more alive. It really depends on the mood, and some of the lighting.
I’ll be honest though, I’ve been tired for a while now. I haven’t stopped going to school, and have had almost no real breaks from any of my work. I love it here, and I’m happy, but the problem is that I have a crap ton of major work I have to do before I proceed to the next step. After finishing this quarter, I will have 3 quarters of classes I will have to take, on top of having to prepare my first real major endeavor; my Thesis project. I also have no idea what I want to write/direct for my Directing 2 class, AND I have to start writing my feature. I have a plan, you see, a plan to try and make myself stand out from the crowd, not that I don’t already. I just have to be keen on what I’m trying to make, because based on it, I could possibly get a REAL JOB directing a film. It has to be good though, REAL GOOD, and I don’t want to rush that.
I’m truly very tired. It’s not easy trying to coupe with all these different things going on in my head. I still don’t have a girlfriend, and I finally came out with that on Facebook. The response was that everyone already knew, which kind of made me feel like shit. I just felt like I was beating around the bush I guess. It’s not easy talking about stuff like that. Everyone asks me about it. Hell, the Gay Hairdresser who cut my hair today said, “We’ll get you a girlfriend.” It’s the last thing I want to think about, but one of the biggest things on my mind.
I was driving a friend to Chinatown earlier, talking about this, and he said that myself being in a relationship, or finding validation in others, is not the key to happiness, and I totally agree. But my problem is that I have NO IDEA what being in a relationship is like. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I don’t think I’m looking for validation as much as I’m looking for confidence. I already follow the beat of my own drum, but in that department, I’m still having a lot of trouble. It’s really the only thing left as far as what I could want in my life right now. Alas, it is not meant to be, as I have tried, but I have failed, at least for the moment. I suppose my day will come sooner than later, but being almost 25 is a bitch. To me, it’s humiliating. I know that a lot of people have died not ever experiencing feelings for another, but I’m not one of those people.
Anyway, back to the main part of this: my break. I’m taking a quarter off this coming spring, a period of roughly 3 months or so, give or take. In this time, I plan on doing 3 separate things:
Get back on a diet, exercise, and lose weight
Write my scripts every day
Move out of my current apartment into new digs
The last one is particularly important because the place I live in now has turned into a real shithole since I moved here. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been more disgusted by its state than usual, and that’s saying something.
But yes, finally, I have accepted that I need to get my shit together, again. I guess everything happens in cycles, and that’s fine by me. I just wish that I could have gotten a kick in the ass sooner. Hopefully, my break will be the respite I need to keep on trekking.
I know y’all like my writing, but I think that I might take a break for a while with these types of posts. I’m probably going to stick more to funny/cool pictures with witty responses like I always do. That being said however, I do like to write, so I’m sure the occasional post will come up here and there.
Well, that’s all for now. I hope the New Year has been treating you well so far.
2013 Oscar Predictions (well, most of them)
I’ve separated this list into two categories. The first is what I think will win, and the second is what I would choose. I’m doing this to be politically correct, and fair. Unfortunately, I didn’t see absolutely EVERYTHING, so I may be abstaining in some votes in my personal choices depending.
Without further ado…
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: The Avengers (Prediction), The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Personal)
BEST SOUND EDITING: Zero Dark Thirty (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST SOUND MIXING: Skyfall (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Skyfall (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Lincoln (Prediction), Skyfall (Personal)
BEST MAKEUP: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Lincoln (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: Life of Pi (Prediction), Abstain
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Life of Pi (Prediction), Skyfall (Personal)
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Amour (Prediction), Abstain
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Lincoln (Prediction), Abstain
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Django Unchained (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables (Prediction), Abstain
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln (Prediction), Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained (Personal)
BEST ACTRESS: Emmanuelle Riva, Amour (Prediction), Abstain
BEST ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis (Prediction)(Personal)
BEST DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg, Lincoln (Prediction), Abstain
BEST PICTURE: Lincoln (Prediction), Django Unchained (Personal)
You will probably notice I left out a few, namely the animated features. I want to be absolutely fair in my assessment, as I saw none this past year. I love animation, but I don’t really see those films in the theater anymore. Maybe I will more when I’m older and have kids.
You may also notice that some of my abstains are quite major in my personal predictions. As I stated, I have NOT seen everything. My predictions are based off the analysis that I have done so far based on the films. I feel that this is justified, as the Oscar race is as much political as it has to do with quality (which is unfortunate). Normally, I do not come out with a list before the Golden Globes, as I usually use that as a lighting rod going forward, but I have decided to make an exception this time because I have NOT seen a lot of the films.
I hope you enjoyed this list. I had fun writing it.
Thoughts: Django Unchained
I have so much to say about this movie, and only so much I can say without giving away anything, but I’ll do my best.
Django Unchained may not only be one of the best movies of 2012, but one that, literally and figuratively, sparks the dynamite. The subject matter is not for the faint of heart, dealing with slavery, which is rarely seen in a realistic and horrifying context, which is part of what gives the film its power. Granted, as with any good western, blood is flying everywhere, but the atrocities are kept enough at arm’s length that it makes you painfully aware of the plight of what African-Americans suffered at the hands of Whites.
This is the interesting part; Django Unchained is NOT entirely a western. It’s actually closer to a blaxploitation film overall, which had been the influence of some of Tarantino’s earlier work. It definitely feels like a Spaghetti Western, but it really isn’t. It’s a very fine line that Tarantino rides, and it’s amazing that he’s able to make almost 3 hours slip by.
That is not only a testament to his writing, but the acting is overall, is some of the best in any film ever made. Not one people feels underutilized, or developed. Their personalities may be larger than life, but the subversive, incredibly intelligent dialogue (some of Tarantino’s bravest and finest to date) keeps your attention every time someone says a single word. I would like to particularly give kudos to Leonardo DiCaprio, who gives his best performance ever as the manipulative slaver Calvin Candie. Considering the other nominees this year, Leo has the Supporting Actor Oscar in the bag. He’s really that good, as are most Tarantino villains.
The only major problem I have with the film comes at the end of the second act, but it’s a story problem. It only lasts about 10-15 minutes, and it doesn’t hurt the film overall, it just slows it down a little bit when it shouldn’t. It also features a cameo by the great director himself.
When all is said and done, should you see Django Unchained? Well, if you like movies, and you don’t mind being reminded of America’s dark past, of course. Is it violent? You bet! Is it fun? Very! So what are you doing? Go see it!
P.S. Fritz is awesome.
What up yo.
Finals are over. The year is almost over. Everything is almost over (apparently). I’m OVER it.
This year, 2012, was a motherfuckin’ pain in my ass, but probably the best year I’ve had on this planet thus far. Through every turn, I manage to make it just another day, so the fact I’m just blessed to be living is all the sweeter. I find that I tend to take myself for granted a lot. I tend not to stir anyone’s shit up but my own.
My mom thinks I spend too much time alone, but I think she’s wrong. I like being alone. I get really frustrated by other people’s drama and bullshit that’s completely menial. When something major happens, that’s when you have to make a comment, and listen. Sometimes, it’s just swill being shoved into our ears. I’m as guilty of it as anyone else, but when I really mean what I say, I REALLY MEAN IT. I could sit and bullshit with someone for hours on end, but when all the bullshitting is done, is there anything left to say that’s real? That’s what all my friendships, and relationships in general are based on. Can we actually not bullshit with each other? Can we talk about things that mean something to us? What are our real goals, ambitions?
This year, I found out a lot about people I didn’t know, and I didn’t have to bullshit to do it. I’ve legitimately met people that I want to know as long as I live, and it’s made my life worth living. Knowing that people are out there, even in this wild jungle of a city, still care, that they won’t run away… It gives me a sense of hope I haven’t had in a long time.
Things may appear bad for the world right now, but, as a famous attorney once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
Happy Holidays, and Happy 2013!
People of Earth,
I come bearing gifts!
Actually, it’s more like information based on what’s going on in my life, but you know… Same kind of thing… Maybe… Well, not really.
You’re not getting that cookie basket, I can tell you that.
Currently, I am dealing with a lawsuit that I can’t tell anyone about because it sucks, and I don’t want to but, of course, I can’t HELP but be forced into these stupid situations, so I just have to say “what the fuck” and bite the bullet. So that’s one thing.
The other thing is my classes. Oh boy, my classes. 3 of them are sweet, and 1 of them really sucks. I’m talking like, I have to be up in 7 hours kind of suck. The kind of suck that involves not having done most of the work because it’s not due till the end and I might actually fuck it up kind of suck. The good news is that I passed my last quarter with flying colors, so maybe I’m just being too hard on myself. But when you take a midterm at 9 am, all essay questions, and in cursive, with a teacher who’s a certifiable DICK (and will tell you so himself), it’s hard to laugh at the situation, or wonder if you’re just in the line of a speeding train. You know, that kind of shit.
I’ve been playing LOTS of videogames. No, I don’t feel like I’m wasting my life. Yes, I love them. No, I don’t care what you think. I’ve been doing this for years, and I have no intention of ever fully growing up. I think that since games hit the mainstream, it doesn’t really matter if I tell everyone I play videogames. The majority of people I know either play them, or they know about them. I feel like the previous generation sometimes views them in a more negative light because they don’t understand them. My mom thinks I spend too much time “alone”, but technically, I’m just “isolating” myself because I’m afraid of the world outside my door. Hopefully you caught that sarcasm. If you didn’t, you should kill yourself. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh…
Speaking of harsh, it seems my confidence is finally breaking through, so I have opened the flood gates to being a bit of a dick. That’s not to say I’m still not the nice, lovable Henry I was before; I’m just an upgraded, enhanced model version, updated with the latest firmware patches to compensate for my ill mentality. I don’t even think about the past anymore. My mind is too much in the present, and maybe a bit in the future. I use the lessons of the past to get by, like I always have, and I don’t forget, I just try not to remember the context in a negative life. Things are much easier for me socially. Everyone genuinely likes, and respects me, and are quite open about it, which is rare for me. It is hard for me to accept that people like me for who I am, but I’m finding out it’s because I haven’t liked myself for so long. I feel completely, mentally calm.
I will say this though; I still feel like my creativity is down the toilet a bit lately. I haven’t had any particularly good ideas. I’ve been so busy focusing on my school, social outings, and videogames, that I haven’t really put anything down for a while. That’s kind of why I’m writing this. I still want to express myself, but I’m finding it hard to have the time. Things move so quick, and I’m busy. Life never stops, but I don’t want it to pass me by. I don’t think it will, but I worry sometimes. I don’t want 20 years to go by and feel like I have accomplished nothing. I’m overthinking this…
Anyway, overall, life is pretty decent. I just take it day by day, like always, making mental notes, or just trying to remove wrenches from the cogs. One day at a time.
Time of your life, eh, kid?
The Anti-Narcissist aka Another Depressing Post
Dammit. God fucking dammit.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why do I make myself feel like such utter horseshit? Berate, punish, humiliate, denigrate, manipulate… Everything pointed at me. Me, me, me. It’s all I fuckin’ talk about anymore. And I fuckin’ hate myself. So every vile emotional spewing is always directed at the person causing all of it.
Just me, myself, and I. Me, me, me.
I’m the complete opposite of my incarcerated father. All he saw was good things in himself, and terrible things in others. All I see in myself are the terrible things, and I see all the good things in others. I wonder what that says about me? That I’m humble? Or that I care too much? I can’t tell. I just know it started back in High School, when things were so bad at home that I focused on other people’s worries, and they became my own. I’ve helped a lot of people, and I rarely, if ever, ask for help. I need it the most, but no one sees it because I don’t want them to know that I suffer. I don’t want others to suffer as I have. I don’t want them to go through what I went through.
I tell people what they don’t want to hear, or I sugarcoat what I’m saying enough so that they’re willing to swallow it. I offer advice, but it’s on you to take it. When something goes wrong, and they didn’t listen, it happens just as I predicted. It scares me sometimes because I am that smart that I can see past the things others can’t. But no one understands it. They just look at me with their mouths agape, like I’m speaking another fuckin’ language.
I have a hard shell, but I’m a big softy. I let people see only what I want them to see, which is always me, but it depends on how far I’m willing to pull the curtain back. I reveal a lot, so people don’t ask questions, but it allows me to keep my deep, dark secrets at bay. I don’t like holding on to them as much as anyone, but EVERYONE has them. EVERYONE.
Sure, I had a couple of beers before I wrote this, and maybe I’m being melodramatic (wouldn’t be the first time), but I’m just sick of feeling like I can’t say what I really want to say. That I’m so broken over the fact I haven’t been in a relationship, that I’m fat, that I hold on to such dark thoughts, that I feel like I’m imploding in on myself, that I’m alone 90% of the time but don’t want to be, that I’m afraid, that I’m getting sued, that I’m constantly living in fear…
I have stability, but it’s not the stability I want. It’s not the stability I crave. Why? I don’t know. When you’ve moved as many times as I did, you end up not wanting to stay in the same place for too long. It plays tricks on your mind. Makes you think all the wrong thoughts, and put yourself in all the wrong positions. It’s retarded psychological bullcrap, but it’s true.
So here I sit, alone, on my computer, click-clacking away on the keyboard, trying to tell people how I feel, but most of it falling on deaf ears. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. But I don’t know how to get myself out of here. I don’t know how to motivate myself.
I want to believe, but all I see is fantasy. Where is my reality?