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Rude Boy
What up yo.
Finals are over. The year is almost over. Everything is almost over (apparently). I’m OVER it.
This year, 2012, was a motherfuckin’ pain in my ass, but probably the best year I’ve had on this planet thus far. Through every turn, I manage to make it just another day, so the fact I’m just blessed to be living is all the sweeter. I find that I tend to take myself for granted a lot. I tend not to stir anyone’s shit up but my own.
My mom thinks I spend too much time alone, but I think she’s wrong. I like being alone. I get really frustrated by other people’s drama and bullshit that’s completely menial. When something major happens, that’s when you have to make a comment, and listen. Sometimes, it’s just swill being shoved into our ears. I’m as guilty of it as anyone else, but when I really mean what I say, I REALLY MEAN IT. I could sit and bullshit with someone for hours on end, but when all the bullshitting is done, is there anything left to say that’s real? That’s what all my friendships, and relationships in general are based on. Can we actually not bullshit with each other? Can we talk about things that mean something to us? What are our real goals, ambitions?
This year, I found out a lot about people I didn’t know, and I didn’t have to bullshit to do it. I’ve legitimately met people that I want to know as long as I live, and it’s made my life worth living. Knowing that people are out there, even in this wild jungle of a city, still care, that they won’t run away… It gives me a sense of hope I haven’t had in a long time.
Things may appear bad for the world right now, but, as a famous attorney once said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
Happy Holidays, and Happy 2013!
- H
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Why I do what I do
It’s almost 3 am. It’s too hot to sleep. I keep thinking about this girl.
It’s the perfect time to get something off my chest.
Recently, I’ve had some personal friends of mine follow me on here, and yet I continue to type out how I feel about my situations in the way I know best: By being my honest, true self.
But some people might be wondering, ‘Why would you put such details out for everyone to see? Aren’t you worried about the repercussions? That it might get back to you in the future?’
No.
I’m not afraid of how I feel. I’m not afraid to tell people how I feel, friend or foe. I’m not afraid of being myself, even if that means alienating others. I’m not afraid of the past catching up with me.
I’ve lived the majority of my life in fear. Fear of failing, of rejection… It’s all relative. Saying what I believe, whether or not it’s what everyone wants to hear, is more important. My past has caught up with me, in one way or another. I live it every day, but I don’t fear it like I once did. I accept it. I try and understand it so that I don’t make those same mistakes, listen to those false prophets, or those who would seek to use me. I understand that that was then, and this is now. This is who I am at this moment, and even if I’m different, or think differently 10, 15, 20 years down the line, I have to accept that this is who I was at the time. That is what gives me peace.
Everything changes, for better or worse. I go with the change. I only force change when it is something that I truly want for myself, and not for anyone else. It’s not worth it. I changed for people before, but it never made me happy, in fact, it made my existence a living hell.
I don’t think so far ahead into the future. Like everyone, I have plans. I want to travel, I want to do things, have new experiences, and learn as much as I can. But those are long-term goals, not something that will effecting me in the next 5 minutes. I don’t want my future to always be preplanned, predestined. I want to live in the moment, as I see fit. I want to experience joy, pain, and every other emotion when it happens, not know that it’s going to occur. Surprise is part of the beauty of living, even when it’s not a good one. For all I know, I could drop dead in 2 days, or 70 years. But why should I worry about that now?
In terms of regrets, I have many. More than I can count on one hand, shit, even two. I feel bad about them, but I don’t let those regrets rule my life. I don’t let them wash over me like they once did, destroying facets of my being, and causing me enumerable amounts of pain. Regrets are part of life. We all have them, and we can’t escape them, so why try? The key is to appreciate that you are not perfect. No human is. Perfection is boring, and it leads to anonymity. It becomes routine.
In finality, I write what I write because it’s how I feel. My personal truth is not just mine, it’s everyone’s. I share it because I know that others feel like I do. They go through good times and bad, they live, they experience, they understand. I am here to help you understand by allowing you to look through my lens. To see the world as I do, imperfections and all.
Let go, and live.
- H
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The Human Condition.
This week is the clusterfuck of all clusterfucks. Everything good, everything bad… It’s pretty much happened.
I started the week with a BANG, producing a short film on Tuesday morning from 2am to 11am. It was hellish, but went well overall. I don’t think I can complain too much about it since I have yet to see any of the footage, and I was more concerned about getting to bed. I slept 14 hours after that, so I’d say it went pretty well.
Yesterday was horseshit. One of my classmates didn’t have a single fucking person on his crew, and it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen performed. I had to do 5 different things at once, plus he didn’t have a fucking clue what he wanted going in. I know I might be a little harsh, but a project like this, you can’t fuck around. It’s how it goes. I take this shit seriously. I wish other people did, but I guess that’s how it goes.
Retarded Dystopian movies starring dead bitches don’t help my mood either.
And finally, last night, I wrote 4 1/2 pages of my first feature script. I didn’t feel the need to write more, even though I should have. I thought they were great. My teacher thought they were shit, but he and my classmates tried to help me. I was hurt because it was what I imagined in my head, but I guess that my vision isn’t always the best version of it. It still doesn’t feel too good.
Now? I’m reminiscing about not having a girlfriend, being a bit of a pervert, and accepting that I intentionally isolate myself in order to not get hurt because I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m also preparing for my first directing project in almost a year, which happens on this coming Wednesday.
I’m not stretching myself too thin anymore, but I’m still healing from stretching far beyond what I thought I could. It seems to me that for every good thing I do for someone else, a bad thing occurs to me personally. Why is this? Does the universe hate me so? I know I haven’t been great lately, but I try so damn hard…
I just wish that my efforts were rewarded with something more tangible, something less toxic, and something exciting to wrap around. I feel like I’m losing part of that spark that makes me me.
Maybe I’m just all balled up inside. Twisted, feeling under-appreciated, majorly hurt. Doesn’t matter how good things are going, I truly feel this way. What appears fine on the surface, isn’t necessarily what’s true deep within.
With my birthday around the corner, I have nothing planned, nothing to do, and everything I want to happen. I wish I didn’t feel like I was so alienated from my friends.
It all boils down to the question I always ask myself; Why is it I can save everyone else, but I can’t save myself?
- H
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All Business, No BS.
That’s my mentality these days.
It’s hard as a motherfucker to be honest to people all the time. Why? Because I hate admitting that I have flaws. In any case, everyone does. It’s the natural human reaction to things. Most people panic. I don’t because I just don’t have the time to give a fuck.
I had to drop out of one project already, and I may have to drop out of another. I’ve stretched myself too thin. Sometimes, shit like that happens. I think this is the first time I’ve ever really felt like my Dad, but I have the intelligence and emotional capacity to know that I have.
I try to be a good friend all the time and come through for people, but I do it more often than I’d like. This time, I’ve really pushed my own buttons enough so that I have next to no breathing room till the end of the month. I don’t want to do this again, but I know I’m going through a rough patch, and I know that it will.
It’s funny how things can be so good for me in the facet I’m least concerned about. I like floating because it means I’m established enough to know that my feet can stay off the ground for a little while. But now, it seems as though the Angels have shoved me back down to Earth.
Personally, my friends are cool people, but finding that something more with anyone at this point feels like a waste. I want to, BADLY, but I’m too shy, and I’m too fuckin’ preoccupied. I want a problem that I can’t fix, because I don’t want to have to fix anything. Sometimes a problem is perfect just the way it is, and that’s the goddamn truth.
I kind of wish I wasn’t the first to jump into battle because I’m always the first to get knocked down. As they say, ‘Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread.’
Overall, as with the entirety of my life, It’s layered. Like a big fuckin’ burrito. Complex, full of salsa, but also delicious. Too bad I’m at the biting part of it.
Needs more Hot Sauce.
- H
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Everyday I’m Strugglin’…
I’m in a weird place right now. I feel emotionless, but full of emotions. I don’t know where I’m going, where I’m heading, and I don’t rightly care. I’m growing, but I’m losing parts of myself.
I don’t know what’s going on with me, but that is not to say I have lost hope. Maybe I have reached a certain point of my Zen practices where I am just in the moment, living according to whatever is in store. Maybe I’m not taking the initiative, not putting myself out there, talking to people, enjoying time away from my solitude. Maybe I’m just at a loss for words, a temporary dike within the river of my mind.
Whatever the case may be, I guess I can only sit and see how things shall progress. My consciousness and subconsciousness are intertwined, and I am unsure how this will bode, but I, as always, must keep pushing forward.
I repeat myself a lot, especially when it comes to these blogs I write, but sometimes I just cannot think of more to talk about. I cannot breathe the clear air of relief into my lungs of palatable despair. I do not intend to distress, or make it enjoyable for consumption, I just accentuate the stories as I see it. Everything I say is the truth as I see it, and if I have certain falsities, I would be doing injustice to myself. I admit that I am wrong at times, but on my emotions, and my life, I stand steadfast.
The biggest theme I’ve ever had in my life is Isolation. It is a constant that has remained for many years, but I have been unsuccessful in reaching out as I had originally hoped, lashing out, and making myself seem like a crazy person, a fraud to my psyche, a false self that was developed in conjunction with my psychological state for many years, and my emotionally distant estranged father fueling the flames.
I am no angel. I gave up at points, wondering if I would ever reach a state of understanding, or if I was just sopping up a bunch of shit with paper towels. I’m not proud of the stupid decisions that have made me who I am. The enemies I’ve made, the friends I’ve lost or squandered away due to my own negligence… I was young and foolish, and I’m STILL young and foolish. I am not a fool per se, but if decisions determine the man, then I am one.
I really wish I didn’t have to feel so alone in this. I wish I had someone I could talk to other than just my therapists, or my friends. Ironic since I am putting this up on a public blog, available to all that wish to read it. I just wish I could know that everything will be as good as I hope, or if my fear of failure will consume my very being. I am a hopeless romantic in the pursuit of what I wish to attain, and it shows, be that women, film, or otherwise.
For now, things are like this, and though I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I progress further into the dark. I can only hope I’m not walking in circles.
- H
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2011: Year in Review, and 2012: Year of Reinvention
2011. It was a good year, a bad year, a momentous year, a tragic year, and everything in between. I started going to college, I made a bunch of friends(all of whom I love DEARLY), I got in a head-on car accident, I went through the worst depression of my life, I lived in a hotel for 2 months… The list, as usual, goes on.
But in between all of this chaotic mess, I realized what I truly wanted out of life, that there are people I can relate to, and I found something that gave my existence some meaning. I found a sense of ease I have never had, a sense of capability, a sense of understanding…
I also caused a lot of problems. I fell in love with girls who didn’t feel the same, I made myself look like an ass, I grew out my hair too long, and I lost myself. Most of all, I hurt my friends more times than I can count, and that really makes me upset.
As in all things, Balance is the name of the game, and this year was a tightrope act, riding the line of Genius and Insanity, trying to find out who was right or wrong, and if I was truly on the right path. I still don’t have an answer, and I probably won’t, either because I don’t deserve it(yet), or because it’s already in front of me and I haven’t seen it.
There were times I felt like my life was worth nothing(a feeling I have while writing this), and times when I felt that I was Superman incarnate, but there were always times where I was indifferent and curious, wondering where things were going, and if I was just going to follow or lead.
I am, and will always be, an asshole. Yes, most of you don’t feel this way, but I do, for I am the only one who truly knows what I’m thinking, and I really did my fair share of fucking up. Most recently, I pissed off my friends with a joke I made on Twitter, only to discover I had made a serious mistake in judgment. This is only just an example of the monumental fuckups I am capable of.
It is difficult being a good friend, and even more difficult when you are blinded by your emotions, whether that be Envy, Pride, Rage, or any sin worthy of note. I am human, I make mistakes, but I feel I make far too many. At times, I feel like Gollum from Lord of the Rings… Searching for the one thing that will make me whole, but it only leads to my downfall.
Words cannot describe the amount of sorrow I feel for all the times I’ve done wrong, and for all the things I wish I could say to make things right, but I would hope that most would realize how terrible I feel just being alive. I cannot believe the amount of strength my friends have to even talk to me, or try to understand me. A lot of times, I don’t think I deserve them, and granted, maybe I don’t. Why they stay is beyond even my comprehension.
This all being said, I don’t hate myself. I got almost all As these past few semesters in college, I was frugal with my spending, I went from being in the worst position in my life to the best position I’ve been in just about ever, and I found confidence and strength when I needed it most. I wasn’t on the run anymore, I was alive, and I was free. In terms of my professional stature, I am doing incredibly well. People have commented that I don’t give myself enough credit for overcoming so many obstacles without losing my composure. They’re right, but as with everything, I do not feel a sense of pride until the job is done, and done well. I try to be professional and logical when I have to be, a stalwart and calm presence in the face of overwhelming odds. Fear is natural, but giving into that fear destroys you entirely.
I tend to bring up duality in a lot in my life, though not everything is black and white. Humans in general have the potential to do both good and bad, and at times you have to cross the line in order for that to happen. I am one who tells it like it is, who says what they feel no matter how angry, sad, or ridiculous it may sound to others. I don’t try to sugarcoat anything, especially when it comes to myself, because realizing the weaknesses in myself makes me stronger. This brings me to my major point, and the reason for this post.
2012, and the prospect of this coming year, seems bright. I am heading into this year in probably the darkest of moods, but I know that things will change. That change will only come if I apply myself however, and I intend to do so. My theme for this year is “REINVENT YOURSELF”.
The old Henry, the Henry of the past, must die in order for the new Henry to arise from the ashes like a Phoenix reborn. I have to discard the parts of me that will only seek to wear me out, and bring me down, and strengthen the ones that will lead me to finding inner peace within my chaotic, melancholy mind.
I have written out a list, and here is what I plan on doing:
1. Lose 25-30 lbs.
I have always been husky and bulky, but this needs to change. In order for me to feel truly better about myself, I must work out my aggression at the gym as I once did a few years ago. I know I have the potential to be very handsome if I only put in the necessary effort, which I did not this past year. I’ll also feel much better about myself overall, as my weight has always been a looming topic on my mind.
2. Reduce Marijuana Consumption.
Yes, you read that right. I’m not stopping entirely, but I realize that a fit body requires a fit mind, and vice versa. I love getting stoned, but it’s not helping me further my own needs, and it’s not helping me in the female department either.
3. Get back on a diet.
This goes with #1 obviously, but is important to include because portion control is just as important as keeping a steady exercise regimen.
4. Get a Tattoo.
In the past, I wouldn’t have even considered it, but as I’ve gotten older, the want and the need for one has become all too apparent. I think a tattoo will be a healthy reminder of what my goals need to be, and where I should be headed. I’ve already made the preliminary design for it, but I have to work on it more to perfect it so I can actually get inked. It’s a Mandalorian Helmet, representing a lot of things to me, not just Star Wars, but how I view myself; On the fringes, strong, not necessarily the best looking dude, and my Cowboy-esque Gungho attitude.
5. Get new glasses.
I love my glasses, but since the car accident, they got kind of fucked up, and I feel it’s necessary to replace them now, especially since my eye trouble. They won’t be too different, just a pseudo-upgrade.
6. Get a job/internship.
I have too much free time, way more than I put on, and filling that time is necessary for me now. The economy has ruined my credit score, as well as previous uncontrollable bad decisions by outside elements, and I need to work. I need to come home every day like I have in the past, and just completely zone out, exhausted, and fall asleep. I need to feel alive, distracted, like I really do have a lot on my mind with all the obligations having a job entails. I want to feel accomplished, to feel like what I’m doing has purpose towards a greater goal, whether that be money or experience. This will open me up to even more new elements, and will expose me to the world like I once was, instead of being on a computer, clicking away about how my life sucks.
“REINVENT YOURSELF.” That is the key thought. I don’t want to be who I am anymore, as interesting as this person is. I don’t feel like the person I am right now, and that’s not how I should feel at all. I should feel confident in myself instead of insecure, happy instead of depressed, and intelligent instead of foolish. I want to be the man I was meant to be, not just a shell of all the bad things that have happened to me.
The caterpillar is coming out of the cocoon. I have to get ready to spread my wings and soar as the Butterfly I am! It will be a long journey, and one with yet more obstacles, but one I can overcome. I will make amends to all, and I will forgive myself.
I just have to remember what makes life worth living.
Happy Holidays!
- H
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Stop looking at me funny!
Oh hectic, strange beast of life. How you torment, how you love, and how you show us things we must see…
This week was a fucking madhouse of crazy bullshit, but I made it through. The last 2 days I spent sleeping in until 2 o’clock in the afternoon, which was totally deserved, and totally fucking worth it.
My tweets, status updates, etc. were erratic beyond all measure. I tend to become a bi-polar cartoon character when I’m having trouble handling shit. I go through a lot of it, I’ve GOTTEN through a lot of it, so I guess the occasional stress isn’t so bad. It was pissing me off more than anything.
Anger. Now that’s a subject I’m familiar with. I was REALLY pissed this week, I mean Ghost Chili steamed. My Mom was the catalyst, but she wasn’t the main cause. It really began after I saw how fucked up my car really was. I was letting it go, but she just said something that set me off, and for the next 3 days, I was a powder keg. I had to apologize to my therapist because my aggression was so obvious.
I think that lately, it’s because I’ve been feeling like the world has handed me what I wanted, but with a bag of shit on top of it, and I have to dig through the shit to get to the thing I want. But on top of that, when I find the thing I want, I realize it’s Fool’s Gold! A fabrication! So I dug through all that shit for nothing. It’s fuckin’ aggravating.
I can’t complain too much since I now have a little over 4 weeks to recoup before the next semester. I hate the holidays usually, but considering I’m not really going to have any holiday bullshit this year, I can’t complain. My finals went reasonably well too. I don’t expect I got my finest grades yet, but I tried very hard to accomplish my goals, and got lucky a few times.
Pushing myself to the limit seems to be a normal thing for me, and something I should learn to forget. I found myself in a lot of tight spots that I busted out of, but with more damage than I had anticipated, yet I still cannot let my guard down. It’s tough for me because I’ve been through so much, and yet still no one really knows. I don’t really want them to though because all they have to do is ask and after 5 minutes, they don’t want to hear the rest.
I’m a weird guy, but I’m really genuine, and that’s what sets me apart. If people only saw that, maybe I wouldn’t feel so shitty about myself sometimes. If they just told me they liked me for who I was, not try to change me as so often the case. People can’t handle me, but I think it goes both ways.
I thought I would share these thoughts with you on this solemn, lonely eve. Rest easy, internet.
- H
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Aftermath: The Accident
I want to live.
That was the only thought that went through my head before the impact. The car spun 180 degrees, skidded 20 feet, and came to a halt. It was over before I could even react.
But let’s start from where it began, shall we?
Thanksgiving. A time to be spent with loved ones, and not-so loved ones, of large meals, and stories of good times. Seeing my family was great, and I left my Uncle’s Fiancée’s house feeling satisfied.
My Mom and I had a nice conversation while she drove us back to Manhattan Beach, saying that I had potential to change the world. It looked like the night was going to end on a high note.
We got back, and I stuck around for a half an hour, then got on the 405 and headed back to my home in the San Fernando Valley. I decided that I wanted to check out the line for Black Friday at Best Buy, so I drove over to Woodland Hills.
I got off the freeway, pulled into the parking lot, took one look, and said “Fuck That!” I then proceeded to exit out back onto the main drag, Victory Blvd.
I got into the left hand turn lane. The arrow was green. I pulled out into the intersection. The light turned yellow, and I started making a left. I looked down for a split-second, looked back up and…
I remember seeing a Black Saturn coming at me going at least 40 MPH without their headlights on. I knew I was fucked, so I braced myself.
I don’t remember hearing anything, but I do remember the impact… The airbag exploding in my face like a punch, the other car hitting me like a linebacker coming full force, my dashboard mangling as I sat on this rollercoaster ride coming off the rails.
Darkness fell for a moment. When I came to, I looked up to see smoke rising from my engine. I breathed it into my right nostril. My thought was, “The car is on fire. I have to get the fuck out of here.”
I checked my body. No scratches, nothing felt broken, but I also could tell I was in severe shock. I needed to get out. I couldn’t stay in there.
I opened the door. It made a screeching noise like the sound of the most foul of Harpies. A few good Samaritans rushed over to me, asking the typical “Are you okay?” I couldn’t really say because I really didn’t know.
I stood up and the Samaritans grabbed my arms, leading me over to the corner of the intersection. A humongous crowd stood in awe of me, that I had just survived a head-on collision, and I had ne’er a scratch upon me.
The first thought that came to my head was “I have to call my Mom.” One of the Samaritans asked for her number and she called her right away as I sat on the grass, almost blind. The airbag had hit me so hard that my glasses flew off my face, effectively leaving me with my true, horrible vision. I didn’t know what was happening, but I was apt to suggestion. Someone told me to call AAA, which I did.
I did not panic, I did not falter, and I did not relent. Everyone told me it wasn’t my fault, but most of all, I knew it wasn’t. Despite all of the reassurances I received, I knew I was in the clear from the moment of impact. I had the light, and they blew their red. I don’t know if they were drunk, but it sure seemed likely given the circumstances. I was most assuredly not. I was sober as a Judge, and would never take such a stupid risk.
After 10 minutes, the paramedics arrived. In my blurry, unclear vision, I saw 2 to 3 figures standing at the other car. One was holding his head, another was being taken away on a gurney. There was no blood, but I am unaware of their current status even now. The driver never even came up to talk to me or check if I was okay. They got in the ambulance and left without saying a word, an obvious sign of guilt. I refused treatment after directly talking with one of the paramedics. I showed him I was okay, and he agreed, though it was obvious I was in shock.
10 minutes later, after someone had cussed out one of the firefighters, I was finally able to retrieve my glasses. They weren’t broken or damaged, so I put them on, and to my horror, I saw my car with my real eyes.
The front was mangled; oil and brake fluid was running into the gutter. My windshield on the passenger side had cracked. There were pieces of my car 50 feet away from the accident. As one of the clean-up crew said, “The car just exploded!” My left axle had broken, my tires were popped, and the inside of my car looked like a freak show. I was flabbergasted to be alive.
Finally, the Police arrived, and talked to everyone before they talked to me. The tow truck driver begun loading my car on a flatbed. He attached the hook to the bumper, but the damage was too great, and it ripped off with a brutal crunch. The Cops took my statement in which I proclaimed my innocence, which seemed most obvious as the other people had left the scene. Despite my hatred of the law, I absolutely understand the necessity of it, and in this case, it was important.
My Mom finally arrived after 40 minutes. The crowd was long gone. The cleaning crew was cleaning up the debris. She pulled up. I walked to her. She ran to me. We embraced, and I lost it. After all the intensity, I could finally let all of the emotions run free. I wept, and wept. When you come as close to death as I did, you learn that we are all vulnerable, and no one is invincible.
After everything was over, I got into my Mom’s car, and broke down completely. I couldn’t stop the tears of agony, of happiness. “Why am I still alive? How am I still alive?” The thoughts of people I loved, my friends, my future, everything… It came rushing to me like bolt of lightning. I realized that this was, personally, the worst thing I had ever experienced in my life. Granted, as most of you know, I have been through a lot, but this? This takes the cake. I had a 1 in 5 chance of walking away unharmed from a Head-on Collision. 1 in 5. 20%.
My Mom stayed the night at my apartment. Pain began to set in, bruises began to appear. My nose hurt the worst. I tossed and turned in my bed, going over the accident in my head second after second, reliving the memory fresh in my mind. I shivered with fear under my covers.
It has been 2 weeks since the accident. The bruises are beginning to heal, as well as the emotions, and PTSD. I am tough, and this was only proof. To walk away without a broken bone, a head injury, or a major laceration is a miracle. I am still not a God-fearing man, as I believe it was my intense willpower that saved me.
I still have much yet to do. What I do know is this; I want to live.
- H
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When you lie through your teeth
Folks, I want you to look at yourselves today and ask yourself this question;
“Am I Satisfied?”
Most people would probably say no, as they always want something more. They are Seekers, like me. It’s not that I’m not satisfied, it’s just that I know there is always more to do and things to find out, about yourself, about the world we live in, about the people, about the culture…
No one person, I believe, could ever solve all the mysteries of the universe, not even a deity. I don’t think anyone, godly or otherwise, could have the amount of power to control the switch.
So realize, that life is not about learning the answers to life’s great questions. They get answered for you as time goes on, and you live, and then you either accept what you did, or you die regretting.
It is not worth it to live your life in misery just because you feel you don’t have the power. You just have to find the confidence within you, and understand that the universe can’t just hand you what you want on a silver platter. You have to work for it, and think about it constantly. You have to have passion, because without it, you will not succeed in your goal. You have to motivate yourself, and know that you can do better.
“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When they are true and kind, they can change our world.”
- H
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The Inevitable
Folks, what I bring you this time is something that I wish to share with the world now that I have shared it first with those closest to me.
This past weekend, I decided to write a letter to my Dad. After the last communication, I still felt that not everything had been said, not only that, it was a very intense thing for me personally.
A lot has happened since that time, and I felt that I needed to close the door and say what needed to be said in so many words.
What I wrote to him is as follows:
Old man,
I pity you. You are so helpless and lost, thinking that you still control those around you, even though you have no power left. I am not one to back down from a fight. I did not take action for years. I watched you make reckless and thoughtless decisions, unwary of the climate, and lost in your own little world. You were handed a length of rope, but took a mile, and became emotionally distant. You were a fool, and you are still that fool as far as I’ve heard of recent.
There are many things I wish I could say to you, but attacking you with words will not bring me the peace that I so desperately wish. I am no longer restrained by you, and though I seek vengeance and justice for your actions, I realize that this is not the best course of action. The best thing for me to do to preserve my sanity and sanctity is to step away, but not before I release myself from the bonds that hold me so. I am not the fool my father is. I know when to hold my thoughts, and when to fold them equally as much. I have journeyed to the corners of my mind, searching for answers to the greater questions that burn within me, but I find no solace. I am tormented by you, in the back of my head. You that would treat me as the fool, put the blame on something I cannot control, and push my opinions to the side.
I am smarter than you. You always belittled me in front of others, blaming my Asperger’s, saying that I was wrong when I knew that I was right. I warned of the coming tide when things were bleak, but you, in your blind ignorance, pushed forward, like a pig about to be slaughtered. In vain, you tried to fix things by throwing money you did not have down the toilet, to the point that our family was stricken with poverty. You gave up, but I will not.
I have not communicated with you in months, and the only thing that I did was to tell you of your consequences, to not have a relationship with your blood. I am the heir to the Abrams name, but it is not what drives me. I have to bear the shame of knowing that my father is a crook, a liar, a thief, and a manipulator. You eat the souls of those around you, filling your belly with the love and sacrifice of others, but not returning that love in kind. I don’t even think you know what love is, but it is obviously not the lines of bullshit you fed my mother, my sister, and I.
The damage you caused to me psychologically is insurmountable. I have spent months trying to repair the damage, to remember repressed memories, and to understand why I am the way I am. I am filled with rage more than anything. Guilt has no place in my heart, though I feel the burdens, the voids still left within my very person. But I have pulled myself out of my hole, I have worked diligently to prove that I am not my father’s son. I have cut off contact with your side of the family, I got straight A’s my first semester at film school, I have friends who truly love me for who I am, and I have impressed upon others my tales of your foolish demise. My therapy is to share my emotions with the people who care for me the most, and those that are but strangers. I wish to teach them, implore them to not make the same mistakes that you made, and that I made trying to wrap my head around everything.
I have immerged victorious. I have broken the lineage. I will not conform. I will only be Henry, and that is all I can be.
You seem to be grasping at lost hopes and dreams, a false reality of your own making. You deny your psychological issues, you deny your loved ones entrance to your heart, and you say whatever it is another wants to hear to get what you want. You are constantly in a state of go, a perpetual movement and excretion of corruptibility and gullibility. You have lost yourself.
My hope is that our lives never converge again. If I had my way, I would prevent you from manipulating my sister and my mother, but alas, I am not in control of their lives as they are not in control of mine. I am in control of my future and my destiny. I am free to do as I please, to see the world with my own eyes. I have broken the cycle, and I have become who I was meant to be.
I hear that you are afraid of me. You should be, but you should also know that I want to stay as far away from you as I can. You still have the bold nature to send me a birthday card, one which I have not opened, nor will open.
Regarding my mother, you have broken that woman. You have destroyed her, but she is rebuilding. It will take longer for her, but at least she is trying. I have hope for her that I do not for you. Your divorce from her will be a most happy day for me, a proof positive of everything I once wished. You cannot grasp her any longer, and you will not grasp me. I warn you however about my sister. If you so much as try and manipulate her, I will come after you with the Hammer of Thor, and I will not be merciful. She has been tainted by your darkness, and if you pull her further into your pit, I will jump in with the ferocity of a Mother Grizzly protecting her cub.
At last we come to the reason for this communication, the last for a very long time, maybe ever.
For years, you laid the foundation and the setup for your failure. Whether you did not see, or you did not understand is irrelevant. You, and you alone have to live with your fate, and you have to accept the actions that you took. Without this, you are only a shell, a body without a soul. I truly wonder if you will ever come out of your psychosis. Your mother has not, but you don’t have to be like her. Trying to appease a woman who is the world’s biggest cunt is not how you should live your life. She gave you life, but you don’t have to give it to her willingly as you have on so many occasions. You should have fought her as I fight you now, for she is not God. She is a foolish old woman who never discovered what life meant to her. I see now that my lost soul comes from your blood, and the blood of those who you’ve cut down in your conquest.
I loved you once Dad, I really did. I thought you were the coolest, smartest, funniest guy in the world. But you changed, and you changed so rapidly, and gave into the darkness, and were so close but so distant. You gave up on yourself when you should have fought to keep your humanity. Greed drove you into madness, and into the cell you now inhabit. It is this greed that will continue to swallow you whole unless you fight, and discover what is truly important in this world. Do you not wish to make peace? If not for anyone, at least for yourself?
In the end, though I cannot forgive you, I do feel sad for you. Not because of what you did, or where you are, but what you have done to your family and yourself. I pity you.
Now it is time for me to step away, back to my life rich with happiness, and to let you ponder. Do not send me any letters, email me, call me, anything. I will not answer, and I will not budge. I have not left you out in the cold, you brought it upon yourself through your actions.
Goodbye.
Melancholy, but truth.
- H