Maybe I’m amazed…
I don’t know how I feel about shit these days. It’s all moving so fast, and it feels kind of shitty in some ways.
I still don’t have a girlfriend, I’m still doing well in my classes, I’m still being me… But something feels like it’s missing. The girlfriend part would be the culprit, but I really don’t think that’s it.
I feel like part of myself has gotten lost in the equation, like a minor stroke has effected my brain, making me think differently than I ever have before…
Maybe I’m just growing up. Maybe I’m accepting that I am who I am, that my position may not be as apt as I would like, but here’s where I stand.
I wonder though… Why now? Why not earlier? Why not when I was in a better mood? I have no answers.
The infallible idea I cannot escape from is my own personal identity, for better or worse. People question why I think I’m so weird, off-kilter, or crazy. I don’t act like it, and I try not to look the part. I suppose it deviates from the past, and the lack of confidence that lead to strong ideas being implanted in my head from an early age. I truly hate my family for the most part… It seems as though they are the crazy ones, not I. Ironic.
It’s sad really, to have to deal with an existential crisis when you could care less about your well-being. It just bogs things down… Makes it harder to say what I think, and when I do have something to say, it comes out garbled… Broken. Self-loathing.
I’m too hard on myself. I know this. I’m only human. But I have standards. And those standards have standards. So on, and so forth.
I’m a fucking puzzle box. I don’t even know how to crack my own code. It’s killing me inside. I just want to find that missing piece. I just want to feel like I’m whole. That I have something to live for, something to die for. Film? That’s just a facet, though a major one. Maybe I don’t know anymore. Maybe I want something different. Maybe I want something I can’t have yet, or won’t try to get because of fear. Rejection. Madness.
Maybe I’m not making sense. Maybe I don’t care about making sense. Maybe making sense is the reason why I’m so blinded by my own self-doubts. What am I? Who am I? Am I even worth the effort?
What’s the difference between me and you?
So I got tweeted by Tim Roth or @TimRothLieToMe as he’s known, and I was SUPER HAPPY! I love Tim Roth. I seriously do have kind of a man-crush on him, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve always liked him, especially more recently for Lie to Me, which I am a HUGE fan of. But then something odd happened.
One of my fellow tweeters started hating on Tim Roth. I didn’t appreciate it, as I was SO happy that I had finally gotten tweeted by him that I got angry at my fellow tweeter.
Honestly? Why would you do that? Why not respect the fact I got tweeted by him? Are you jealous or something? I know I’m not. I’ve been trying to get Tim Roth to tweet me for a long time, you can see that if you look on my list, but he finally did! After weeks!
So yeah, I got pissed, but I warned him to stop, even though I knew he was joking, but it wasn’t funny at that point. I was polite, I tried reasoning with him, but he kept acting stupid. So I walked away, and I blocked him. I respectfully told him that I need to be the bigger man, and not feed into his shit. When I tell you “No” I MEAN “No”.
Sure, I hate on Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, and Twilight all the time, and yes, I have picked on one or two of the fans, but this was unacceptable. You don’t have to like Tim Roth, but respect the fact I like him! I’m not some stalker superfan you know! I have a life, I’m getting ready to go to Film School, and it hasn’t been easy for me. Let me have my guilty pleasures. I might hate on Justin Bieber, but I know and respect people who like him. I just don’t talk about him when I’m around them. THAT’S IT.
Truthful Tuesday 2/15/11
I don’t normally do these, but I felt it was necessary considering I had a nervous breakdown of sorts today.
I bought Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 today, which I cannot play because my Xbox 360 is in storage, and I was genuinely upset considering I am a HUGE gamer, and this is the first time I’ll have bought a game I cannot play immediately after I got it.
After that, I went to check the mail, and something I was expecting didn’t come, so I called the place, and they said they hadn’t mailed it yet.
Needless to say, I was STRESSED OUT driving back to the hotel, and when I got back, I flipped out.
Progress is going so slow on my applications and such for Film School, and I haven’t played a game in almost 3 weeks. That’s a long time for me, and the longest I haven’t played in years.
Videogames have always been a constant for me, and a source of defragmenting everything going on in my life, so not having them, and being stressed out of my mind with paperwork, and being worried about the future… It was bound to make me crack eventually.
So I have a choice: I can pull out my Xbox out of storage, buy a small TV, and play games, or I can buck up, and weather this storm. I talked to my mom about this, and she seems adamant to allow me to retrieve my system, but I see multiple negatives rather than pure positives.
The situation is so complex overall, I just wish it wasn’t.