Valentine’s Truthful Tuesday
Alright, here’s some interesting facts related to love:
I was once in love with a friend of mine, but we had a falling out, and she went on to be a nude model. Then I later found out she in fact LIKED ME, and it made me feel like an idiot.
I had a crush on this girl in High School, and now she’s a Pornstar. Funny how that happens.
I’ve never been kissed. Yes, you read that right. I’m not ashamed of it as I once was, but it still hurts nonetheless.
I’m not always looking for ‘that special someone’. I want to have some fun goddammit!
That’s about all I’m willing to share.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Some things change, others don’t
Today is the day where everyone seems to love each other, where roses, hearts, love, chocolate, sex, and happiness all seem to fit. This has never been MY fit.
Valentine’s Day is more of a corporate thing in my humble opinion, despite having history ranging back to the Middle Ages and before, but it’s also not an easy holiday for me to deal with.
I’ve never had a Valentine, not only that, I’ve never even been in a relationship, or even been kissed.
Before you think about how pathetic that is, let me tell you that it’s understandable considering my current position, as well as my previous positions I’ve been in for the last few years.
Last year, I got drunk. The year before that, I was looking for a job, and dealing with personal, family related issues. This year, I needed to go to SMCC to pay money to get transcripts, but ended up at the Santa Monica Pier instead, playing Rambo in the arcade. In years prior, I was in school, and was also significantly overweight, had zits, wore glasses… I just wasn’t attractive. Not only that, I was in my own head, and dealing with issues at home, many of which I have talked about before.
Valentine’s Day has always been a void in which I felt alone, sad, truly in my own head. I have no one to share my love with, and I haven’t, even after all of the changes I have made to both my mentality, my appearance, confidence, and understanding. I always wanted someone to be by my side, not just for sex, or love, but to share and experience things… To not be alone. Companionship is big for me. Being around me 24/7 isn’t what I mean, what I mean is that I like it when I get to spend time with someone I LIKE spending time with that’s of the opposite sex. It’s hard being in my head all the time, and most of all, by myself.
I’m a strong man, but I admit my weaknesses, and I accept them, but this is something that I have had to accept that I don’t want to accept. It’s something that bares down on my soul like a ton of bricks, or cement shoes keeping me from swimming up for air.
I’ve had many loves. Few of them truly ever know/knew how I felt about them, even if they didn’t feel the same way, but no one I liked would ever give me what I desired if only because they were saving it for someone or something else. I’ve never asked for 100%, I don’t even think that’s possible having witnessed people cheat and lie and do anything to get what they want. A relationship should always be 50/50, not 25/75, or, God forbid, 0/100. That’s why most people end up getting divorced, because they can’t give up that part of themselves for the other person.
It’s fine to have goals. Why not? Everyone does. The problem is when the goals get in the way of what you want, or people get in the way either intentionally, or unintentionally. That’s where the problem arises. I don’t want to tie someone down, and I don’t want someone to be tied down to me, at least, not at the moment. I’m lucky enough to still be young and virile, even if I don’t feel like that on the inside, which may be my blessing in disguise in some ways.
All I want is some satisfaction, but I can’t get any, at least not yet, and I don’t know why. All I have right now is hope for a better love life in the future, but today, it seems very dim. This is where I’m at.